DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my cousin "Jacob" married a wonderful woman I'll call Kate. Only days after their wedding, she was diagnosed with advanced, inoperable cancer. Though we thought she might be with us for one last Christmas, she passed away just after Thanksgiving.

The day after the funeral, Jacob began receiving phone calls from Kate's family, demanding the return of the wedding gifts they had given this couple only seven weeks before. One of them even had the audacity to tell Jacob that she didn't want to "waste her money" on him since Kate was dead!

I would understand if Jacob had divorced his wife, or if the marriage had been annulled, but this poor man lost his bride to cancer -- he certainly didn't push her away. Abby, Jacob is heartbroken. He certainly cannot deal with returning wedding gifts so her relatives can get their money back.

Kate's family is large, and Jacob has gotten at least two phone calls every day for a week -- sometimes more. Personally, I think what they're proposing is indecent. What is the appropriate response to Kate's family? -- AGHAST IN ARIZONA

DEAR AGHAST: Just when I think I've heard everything, along comes a letter like yours. Jacob kept his marriage vows -- to love, honor and cherish Kate until death parted them. He is entitled to keep the wedding gifts and to far more consideration than he's receiving from his late wife's family. As for the "appropriate response" to Kate's family, I wouldn't blame Jacob if he changed his phone number to one that's unlisted.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the letter from "Desperate for a Compliment." That letter spoke to my husband's heart. That night he started calling me "pretty." I later saw the letter in your column.

We have a successful marriage, but we get comfortable and lazy. I don't need a lot of compliments, but would rather receive them from my husband. So, thank you again for waking him up. You're the best teacher. -- SMILING WIFE IN CINCINNATI

DEAR SMILING WIFE: I'm pleased the letter had such a positive effect. Now it's your turn. Tonight, leave a little note on his pillow telling him how much he means to you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have just finished the letter from "Desperate for a Compliment." I have been married 13 years to my high school sweetheart. I felt the same way "Desperate" did until a friend asked me if I ever told my husband how handsome he is.

That got me to thinking. I assumed that because he is so good-looking, he didn't need a compliment. I was wrong. I began giving him sincere compliments, letting him know I noticed how good he looked and praising him for other nice things he did daily.

He has given me more compliments in the last few months than I would have received in a year's time, and they are sincere and sweet. He has even gone back to calling me "pet names."

Please let "Desperate" know that a little kindness will get her much more than a lot of nagging will. -- NEVER TOO LATE

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in the hope that your readers will understand the hardship caused by the selfishness of people who show up for work when they're sick.

For many years, I worked at a company where our employer understood people's need for occasional sick days. Ample coverage was provided for such events, as well as medical insurance.

One of the men in my office with whom I was required to come in close contact never took sick time. Although he was coughing, blowing or running a fever, he came to work every day, exposing me and my fellow co-workers to his germs -- which we caught, causing us to stay home and/or see our doctors.

One such episode occurred when this man came to work with the flu. I caught it from him, and it eventually turned into pneumonia. I was five months pregnant at the time, and the extremely heavy coughing inherent with pneumonia became critical to my pregnancy. I survived, as did my baby, but I lost six weeks of work and used up all of my sick time and accumulated vacation, which was not as serious as the fear of possibly losing my baby.

When the gentleman retired after 30-plus years with the company, he was given a special award in appreciation of the fact that he had never missed a day of work. Quite a number of us were less than thrilled over his "accomplishment." We had all paid for his lack of consideration and felt the special recognition of his devotion to the company was unwarranted. Recognition that there were casualties along the way as a result of his selfishness would have been far more appropriate. -- GINNY IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR GINNY: I suspect the award was given to "Typhoid Murray" because someone in management became sentimental and didn't think through what his misplaced loyalty had cost the company in terms of sick pay and lost man-hours.

DEAR ABBY: About eight months ago, my 20-year-old nephew moved into our home. My husband and I decided at the time we wouldn't charge him rent so he could get caught up on his bills.

The problem is that without asking, he now has his 18-year-old girlfriend staying overnight at least three or four times a week. She has been showering here on occasion and has eaten here, too. She doesn't live at home, but with other people.

Abby, I don't want her staying here. I think my nephew is being disrespectful for not having asked my husband or me first. I feel they are taking advantage of us. I would like her to go home at night. Should I say anything to them or keep my mouth shut? I really don't know what to do or say. -- DOESN'T APPROVE IN ABERDEEN, WASH.

DEAR DOESN'T: Speak up! Tell your nephew exactly how you feel, and don't apologize for your feelings. They are valid. It isn't fair to complain that he isn't living by the rules if he hasn't been informed about them. Remember, silence implies consent. If you prefer not to subsidize your nephew's lifestyle, you shouldn't have to. After all, it's your house.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of a 60ish bachelor who would serve his "love interest" an 8-day-old salad? Not only was it 8 days old, but it was in a doggie bag I had given him when he had dinner at my house! -- A FRESH TOMATO IN TUCSON

DEAR FRESH TOMATO: Your bachelor friend is frugal to a fault. Food should not be kept more than three days.

P.S. If he continues this unhealthy lifestyle, he'll be lucky to make it to 70ish.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was touched by your recent letters from "Smiling in Carolina" and "Happy New Grandmother, Dallas," regarding the heartache birth mothers feel when they place their babies for adoption, and how appreciative grandmothers are when children are adopted into their families. Their letters made me remember the decision I made about my own grandson, "Jack."

Sixteen years ago, my husband and I took Jack into our home after his mother died. Jack was 11 months old. It soon became apparent that Jack was a special person with special needs. He was slow to learn, but a happy child. When he was school age, we put him in special education classes.

We got along fine; however, when my husband passed away three years ago at age 91, I got to thinking about Jack's future. I am now 90 and feeling well, but there will come a time when I will no longer be able to take him to school, golfing, bowling, etc. So after much thought and investigation, I found Jack an excellent board-and-care home. He stays there all week. They provide him transportation to school, excellent meals and clean clothes. He enjoys living with four other people closer to his age. On weekends and holidays, he comes home with me.

It wrenches my heart to see him go back on Sunday evenings, but I know if anything happens to me, he won't have to make a big adjustment. I am so glad I made this plan and hope it was the right thing to do. -- WONDERING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR WONDERING: I commend you for finding your grandson a home where he will feel safe and secure after you are no longer around to take care of him. I can't think of a more loving or unselfish act to do for someone with special needs.

If other readers are in similar circumstances, I urge them to take the time now to find a suitable living environment for those they love and care about. Planning ahead will bring peace of mind.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "Smiling in the Carolinas," and the many other mothers who have placed their babies for adoption.

One of my daughters was unable to have children. With medical assistance from specialists, she tried unsuccessfully for nearly 15 years without achieving motherhood.

We are eternally grateful to the biological mothers who enabled our daughter and her husband to finally have a family. I never think of the adopted children as being different in any way. They are God's most wondrous blessing to me and my family. I tell my grandson he gets his sense of humor from me, and my granddaughter that she takes after my mother with her dark eyes and hair. My husband was so proud of our first grandson, he wheeled him from door-to-door to introduce him and show him off to our neighbors.

Abby, please tell those wonderful, giving mothers that they have brought great joy to the families they made complete with their unselfish gift. They need have no fear that they didn't do the right thing. I thank all of the courageous women who placed their babies for adoption so these children could have a good life with people better able to care for them. -- GRATEFUL GRANDMOTHER, LONG ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR GRATEFUL: You have said it very well. I hope your letter will reassure young, single mothers-to-be who may be struggling with the question of whether or not to keep their baby.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)