DEAR ABBY: Why do television and movie directors think they must fill every moment of a show with background music? I know many others feel as I do. I am particularly bothered when the wonderful nature shows have such loud background music that it's difficult to understand the commentary. What would be wrong with simply hearing the natural sounds of nature, like the sea or the forest?

Many people I know dislike going into restaurants because, again, the "background" music level is so high it is impossible to converse. And forget about sitting in a movie theater. Any sound level about 90 decibels does permanent damage to one's hearing -- yet studies show that practically every movie theater exceeds this damaging level by a huge margin. Ask a theater manager to turn down the volume, and you'll be told the public likes that noise. We are permanently damaging the hearing of our people. -- NANETTE FABRAY MACDOUGALL, PACIFIC PALISADES, CALIF.

DEAR NANETTE: You're absolutely right, of course. But restaurants use music to discourage patrons from lingering over their meals so the table can be "turned" to accommodate another seating, which equals more profit for the restaurant. Call it modern restaurant management.

If one were to ask theater owners and managers why the volume is raised so high in movies, I'm sure the reply would be that it adds to the realism for audiences whose hearing is already impaired from rock concerts and dance clubs.

Speaking as someone with a degree of hearing loss of my own, I agree that television shows are sometimes marred because the background music overpowers the dialogue. But whether or not it will be altered depends upon the demographic the producers and station executives are trying to appeal to.

Sad to say, but the situation probably won't improve until people are able to prove in a court of law exactly where they were when their hearing was damaged.

DEAR ABBY: I am responding on behalf of the Vermont State Judiciary Committee to a recent letter from "Needs to Know," who plans to "marry" in Vermont. We would like to clarify a potential misunderstanding of our landmark civil union law.

In Vermont, the institution of marriage is available only to couples of the opposite sex. However, same-sex couples may establish a "civil union," which entitles them to benefits and privileges, as well as the responsibilities, equal to those afforded to married couples.

We hope "Needs to Know," her partner, their families and friends enjoy their stay in Vermont. -- JOHN F. CAMPBELL, SENATOR, WINDSOR COUNTY, CLERK, SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE

DEAR SEN. CAMPBELL: Thank you for the clarification. Regardless of what you call it, your landmark civil union law is sensible and forward-thinking. I wish other states would follow your lead and allow same-sex couples who wish to be officially committed to each other the privilege of doing so. It poses no threat to "traditional" marriages and promotes responsibility and accountability between the partners.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end. I don't know if I can go on.

My mother's 64-year-old sister, Aunt "Stella," is suffering from pulmonary disease and can no longer care for herself. I already take care of my bedridden mother in Mom's home that she shares with my children and me, while I hold down a 40-hour-a-week job and single-handedly raise my two teen-agers.

Last evening, Mother asked me to take in Aunt Stella and care for her, because she is estranged from the rest of the family and has little money.

Abby, I am ashamed to admit it, but I hate the woman! Aunt Stella is the most self-centered, uncaring person I have ever known. In spite of her illness, she is never without a cigarette -- even when others are in the car with her.

All my life -- even as an infant and small child -- she was forever stinking up the air with her smoke. She didn't (and still doesn't) care about the safety and comfort of others, as long as she gets to smoke her cigs.

Everyone, including my mother, was afraid to say anything to her about her smoking, because she would become angry and verbally abusive. (No one was going to tell HER what to do!) The few times I spoke up (or lowered the car window so I could breathe) Aunt Stella either scolded or slapped me.

She was at our place for any and all family events. I could not escape her. She was never helpful to my mother or me; just a nuisance.

I love my mother dearly, as I do my children, and do not want them to experience what I suffered all my life. Although terminal, my aunt still smokes as much as she ever has.

Mom's days are short. She is often incoherent, but she does have days when she is really "with it," and I do not want her going to her grave knowing I did not fulfill her deathbed wishes. However, my fear is that Aunt Stella would live on long after Mom passes, and my life -- and my children's -- would be pure hell.

I thought I could place her in a home at some point, but I would have to sell this place to cover the costs of keeping Stella in a facility.

Do you have any ideas, Abby? I'll be watching your column and hoping. Thank you for listening. -- EXHAUSTED AND ANGRY

DEAR EXHAUSTED AND ANGRY: Gently tell your mother that the reality is that you are unable to care for her sister. Your wishes are as important as your mother's, and should be respected.

The state or local agency on aging may be able to suggest other alternatives available to your aunt in her time of need. Call and tell them about your aunt, but make it clear that YOU cannot be responsible for her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a pilot. I fly a private Learjet for a living. I have no fear of flying, but when it comes to getting on a roller coaster or some other thrill ride, I can't bring myself to try it. Please help me understand why. -- JOEY JET, DEERFIELD BEACH, FLA.

DEAR JOEY: I'll hazard a guess. On the amusement park rides you aren't in control, as you are when you're the pilot flying thousands of feet in the air.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away five years ago. In May, my parents would have been married for 50 years.

My problem is that my mother wants to have a 50th wedding anniversary party in a hall and intends to invite 200 people to the event. She wants to have a head table with her surviving bridesmaids, best man and groomsmen, and she will even have a place setting for my father with his picture on the table, as if he were still here!

Mom has also requested a family photo with all six of us kids and our spouses and children -- which totals 26 people. She wants to be seated on a chair with a large photo of my deceased father beside her, and all of us gathered around her.

I absolutely refuse to participate in any of this, as do my brothers and sisters. We have expressed our feelings to her, but she says she doesn't care and will throw the party herself.

Her friends have phoned me and asked me to talk her out of this, as they also do not want her to make a fool of herself. They expressed that it would be impossible to act as if it were a happy event without my father present.

Abby, Dad died from cancer. It was a slow, hard death. However, my mother will not let his memory rest in peace. Should we let her have her party and grin and bear it, or should we try to convince her how deeply it bothers all of us? -- CONFUSED IN ALBERTA, CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: What a sad situation. Take one last stab at trying to convince your mother that a small family gathering would be more appropriate than a large celebration. If she refuses to budge, she is either in a stage of dementia, or she hasn't properly dealt with the death of your father. She should be evaluated medically and psychologically at the time of her annual physical exam, if not sooner.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old man with three wonderful children. They are all grown and in their 20s. (Yes, we had them young.) I have been married for 23 years and things have been good between my wife and me.

About a year ago, my wife -- who is an accountant -- decided she wanted to try real estate. She took a class, got her license, and now sells real estate part time. She's doing so well at it that she plans on quitting her accounting job soon and concentrating on real estate full time.

My problem is I have been having empty nest syndrome, and now my wife is working every weekend. On week nights, I sit and watch TV by myself while she works away on her computer. On the weekends I try to keep busy doing jobs around the house and cleaning, but I'm bored, lonely and depressed. I have mentioned this to my wife; she says I should find a hobby.

Abby, I don't want a hobby. I want to be with my wife. She absolutely loves her new job and talks about it constantly. I don't want to ask her to quit her job, because she would resent me for it. (And no, I don't want to sell real estate with her.) Any suggestions? -- MISERABLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISERABLE: For the sake of your marriage there has to be a compromise. One or both of you must adjust your work schedule to accommodate the other.

P.S. Your wife is correct that you need something to keep you occupied while she's working. You would be far less lonely if you filled those hours with volunteer work. Nothing banishes loneliness like feeling needed.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)