DEAR ABBY: We live in a nice, settled neighborhood in a small town. We bought our home 20 years ago. Our neighbors are lovely people. A couple of years ago after a robbery in which some sports equipment was taken from their detached garage, they installed a security light.

Abby, their security light spills over into our back yard. Our patio and pool can no longer be used at night because of the glare. The light also shines into our guest room, both of our bathrooms, through our dining room windows into our kitchen and living room, as well as the master bedroom. We are forced to use heavy shades or drapes in our home.

We've done everything to block the light, but a guest recently commented that we don't use our back yard as much as we used to. (We can't because of the bright light.) Our guest said he had heard many people complain about neighbors' security lights infringing on their property.

Can you please help us spread the word that before installing those beacons, neighbors should consider how such a light will affect the families who live on the adjacent property? The neighbors should discuss it together to determine if it will adversely affect the lifestyle of the neighborhood. With honest communication, perhaps a solution that everyone can live with will come to light.

We want our neighbors to feel secure, but we want our lifestyle back. What can we do about their light pollution? -- LIVING IN THE LIGHT AGAINST OUR WILL

DEAR LIVING: Discuss the problem calmly with your neighbors. Although they must be aware of the light on your property, they may not have considered alternatives such as shifting the light's position, motion detector lights, or adding shields that redirect the light from your house and yard back to theirs. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: A close friend has asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. (I'll call her Tina.) There will be only three girls in Tina's wedding party -- the maid of honor, another bridesmaid and me.

The three of us are planning a bridal shower, but Tina's mother is being difficult. She insists we host the shower at an elegant restaurant. Since the guest list numbers more than 40 people, we had planned to have it at a modest restaurant with a banquet hall we can more easily afford.

Tina's mom is insisting on the restaurant she has selected, even though she has made it clear that it will be our responsibility to foot the entire bill. Last night, she called Tina's maid of honor and started yelling at her about it.

Are we responsible for throwing an extravagant shower we can't afford? -- WEDDING SHOWER BLUES

DEAR BLUES: Under no circumstances should you allow yourselves to be intimidated into paying for a shower you cannot comfortably afford. Invite the bride's mother to the lovely shower you are hosting in the banquet hall. It's up to her whether she wants to attend or not. If she wants to upgrade the restaurant, she should ante up the difference, not you.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: I'm delighted to tell you about a special book that's hot off the presses this month titled "War Letters: Extraordinary Correspondence From American Wars" (Scribner). It features never-before-seen letters from the Civil War, World War I, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, the Persian Gulf and even Bosnia. It is edited by a dedicated young man named Andy Carroll.

What makes this book so special is that YOU helped to write it.

Several years ago I told you about Andy's all-volunteer organization, the Legacy Project, that honors and remembers America's veterans by preserving their war letters. I encouraged you to look through your closets, attics and basements for old war correspondence and to send photocopies of anything historic, impassioned or dramatic to Andy's attention.

The response was overwhelming. Tens of thousands of remarkable letters were received, and 200 of them are being published, all for the first time, in "War Letters." I am struck by the power and eloquence of the letters you contributed. Many are inspiring, some are heartbreaking, all of them are unforgettable.

These letters celebrate our greatest American values -- honor, faith, courage and perseverance. They remind us that wars are won not by generals and presidents, but by the individual soldiers, Marines, sailors, airmen, Coast Guard and nurses whose voices are so often forgotten. They are our true heroes. "War Letters" lets their voices be heard.

All earnings from this book are being donated to veterans groups, and Andy has established a Web site -- www.warletters.com -- that offers free information on how to safeguard your old letters, as well as links to respected organizations that preserve wartime letters, photos and journals.

Future generations of Americans need to understand and appreciate the high cost of freedom. This book is a lasting tribute to our men and women in uniform and the enormous sacrifices they have made for all of us. It is available in your local bookstore.

DEAR ABBY: I am a gentleman in my late 70s who prefers wearing athletic shoes because I find them comfortable. I wear them not only around the house, but when shopping, dining out, going to the movies, etc.

For some reason, wearing white socks with them causes my feet and ankles to itch (perhaps due to an allergy). Therefore, I wear colored socks -- black, blue, brown -- you get the picture.

My problem: My children, who are all married with kids of their own, are forever telling me I look like a "dork"! They say that colored socks should never be worn with athletic shoes. Please don't advise me to switch to leather shoes, as they are hard on my feet.

How can I make my children understand that I am not trying to be a misfit, but only trying to be comfortable in my "golden years"? -- NO SLAVE TO FASHION IN SAN MARCOS

DEAR NO SLAVE: My "fashion experts" tell me that if people can see your socks, your trousers may be too short. However, if that's not your problem, consider that athletic shoes come in a variety of color combinations, and you can always coordinate your shoes and socks to match your outfit.

P.S. Consult a podiatrist about foot powder to relieve what's itching you.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from "Been There in Texas," the woman who was married to a very controlling husband.

This past year, I found myself a prisoner of what began as the perfect relationship. During the first couple of months I dated my boyfriend, I was swept away by his charm and loving attitude. He deserves a standing ovation. He did an outstanding job of blinding me -- and everyone in my life -- to his true nature.

My once-active social life slowly disappeared before my eyes -- leaving me with only him. It was a slow process. He patiently chipped away at my self-esteem until he created a relationship that satisfied his needs. I found myself trapped by someone who didn't allow me to speak to anyone. He took away my right to be me.

He constantly reminded me that he was a "real man." In reality, he was a scared little boy hiding behind a strong woman. That's why he chose me to be his victim. I had dignity, self-respect, a confident attitude -- qualities he knew he would never have. "Boys" like him need women like me because we have lots of chutzpah. If they can subdue someone like me, they gain a sense of control within themselves.

I'm writing to let anyone who is presently involved with a controlling partner know one thing: These partners are scared. They are scared of being alone. Most of all, they are scared of themselves. Deep down they know they can't sugarcoat their personalities forever. They know people will eventually uncover the cruel intentions hidden temporarily behind their mask of sweetness.

My advice to victims: I hope that one day you will remember the strong person you once were. I hope you will realize that you still exist and have the right to come out and play. Whether you realize it or not, you have control over the next move. Change the rules of the game -- and leave. -- P.G. IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR P.G.: The man you describe is a narcissistic personality. He believes the world revolves around him and his needs, and nobody else matters. If you are not revolving around him, you are not in his orbit, and he will say and do anything to entice you in.

There is only one way out -- and that is to make a safe escape plan to leave -- and once you have escaped, never return. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: May I share a poem I wrote last year? It was derived from conversations I had with women who survived abusive relationships and gained the courage to leave. -- DANNY COMSTOCK, MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR DANNY: Thank you for giving me permission to print your poem, "Words of Love?" If your painful words sound familiar to any of my readers, I hope they, too, will have the courage to leave.

You're fat! You're ugly!

You're nothing but a b----!

Clean the house!

Take care of the kids!

Can't you do anything right?

You're not sexy!

You don't turn me on!

You're frigid, cold as ice!

You don't appreciate my love!

Why I put up with you, I don't understand!

But no one will understand you like I do!

You need me to take care of you!

You won't survive without me!

If you don't listen to me, I will hit you again!

And then you will understand how much I love you!

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)