DEAR ABBY: My family is absolutely out of their minds. I mean it. They're all high-strung with very short tempers. Our dinner table is a battlefield. Everybody is always yelling and screaming at each other, and then the next minute they're sobbing and apologizing like crazy.

My little brother, "Shawn," is in fourth grade and has a real attitude problem. He talks back to Mom and Dad and can be really insulting. When Shawn acts up, my parents totally lose it. They yell at him like there's no tomorrow.

Shawn is smart -- he can cry on cue. When that happens, my parents fall all over themselves apologizing for having upset him. They tell him in calm voices exactly why they got mad and why he was out of line. After that, they ask if he'd like to say "sorry" or "please" more nicely next time. Well, he never wants to, and this gets everyone all fired up again.

After my mom blew a fuse a few days ago, I made the big mistake of telling some of my friends what happened. I've always joked about my family being "crazy," but nobody ever believed me because my family acts nice around guests.

Anyway, all of a sudden my friends are overreacting to stuff I've been saying. One girl said that what my mom does could be considered "verbal abuse." Another friend actually suggested that we see a family guidance counselor.

Abby, even though the fighting at our house gets on my nerves, we all love each other to death. It's not like my parents have ever hit Shawn or me. We just fight. OK? I'm used to it. Are my friends being stupid or what? -- SIXTH-GRADER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SIXTH-GRADER: Your friends may be right on target. They're trying to tell you nicely that what's going on in your home is not what goes on in theirs. There seems to be a lot of volatility in your household.

Family counseling could provide your parents with more effective tools to handle their frustration than a non-ending cycle of exploding and trying to make amends, which clearly isn't working with your brother. It could also help you to gain insight about acceptable boundaries of behavior. Please clip this and show it to your mother and father.

DEAR ABBY: May I add one more fact about the custom of placing stones on graves? It is not uniquely Jewish. From time immemorial, it has been done in Ireland, mainly on the graves of heroes or other important individuals.

Some of these "cairns," as they are known, have become massive. Probably the best known -- and possibly the largest -- is Shane O'Neill's cairn on the Antrim coast. Shane was one of the most flamboyant of the old Irish chieftains, and is credited with having invalidated the claim of England's Elizabeth I to have been "the Virgin Queen."

Interesting? -- JOSEPH MCEVOY, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF.

DEAR JOSEPH: Very -- as a reminder that what some royals have done in the past is no different than what they're doing today.

And people say that history is a "dry" subject. Ha! (If history is dull, perhaps we need to hire some new writers.)

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: What is this world coming to? I live in an affluent suburb of Boston, and commute by subway to my job in the city. This morning I boarded a full train and took the last empty seat. Just as the doors were closing, a blind woman and her guide dog got on. I waited about 10 seconds (count it, Abby -– it's a long time). No one offered the woman a seat, so I gave her mine. She graciously accepted.

What the woman couldn't see -– but everyone else on the train could –- is that I am eight months pregnant. For the next half-hour, I stood with aching back and swollen ankles, jerking and swaying with every movement of the train, while college kids and well-dressed executive types in their 30s watched, sipped their coffee, read the sports section and offered zilch.

A pregnant woman gives up her seat on the train to a blind woman, while everyone else sits contentedly? If their mothers only knew! Sign me ... ONE MONTH TO GO IN HINGHAM, MASS.

DEAR ONE MONTH TO GO: If their mothers only knew? Dear lady, if their mothers had taken the time to teach them manners and empathy for others, someone in the passenger car would have given you a seat.

If any of your fellow passengers were young women -– what goes around comes around. As to the men -– it shows that living in wealthy suburbs doesn't guarantee that the residents have class.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently in my fourth month of survival following a fight with cancer.

When I was first diagnosed, I consulted an oncologist recommended by my general practitioner. Even though the doctor was obviously not busy, I was kept waiting in a dark, quiet, depressing room. When he finally did see me, he hadn't reviewed my file. He didn't call me by my first name or know my test results. He made me feel unimportant. I didn't go back.

A second oncologist was recommended. The difference was night and day. This doctor performed all the tests himself. He answered every question my wife and I had. When he was satisfied that all the questions were answered, he asked what I wanted from him. I said, "Save my life." He immediately put me on chemotherapy.

During the next five months, when I visited his office, his staff knew me by name, greeted me with a smile, and were emotionally supportive. The nurses administering the chemo were upbeat, encouraging and made me feel they cared about me.

Being surrounded by positive energy was extremely important to my recovery. Attitude is a vital element in the recovery process.

Bless the doctors, nurses and staff who helped me. They realized I was a person, and more than a printout of lab results. –- A CANCER SURVIVOR, NORTH HILL, CALIF.

DEAR SURVIVOR: I'm pleased that your cancer treatment was successful. You were wise to switch oncologists after that first consultation. Not all physicians have a good bedside manner, but if they don't, the smart ones hire support staff that can create an atmosphere that's warm, personal and reassuring to patients.

Medicine is not only a profession, but it is also a business. And people in business must be sensitive to customer relations if they're going to be successful.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you asked readers who had been diagnosed with schizophrenia to write and describe their experiences with the mental health system for the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry. We received hundreds of candid, thoughtful and provocative letters, and while their treatment and reactions were diverse, many shared similar experiences.

They described their struggle with a terrible and frightening illness and the importance of their own inner strengths, as well as support from mental health professionals, family, friends, religion and work. What was vital was feeling cared-for, respected and listened-to by a knowledgeable doctor (or other professional), who would stick with them over the long haul.

Many readers complained that their care was hindered by insurance limitations, restrictive agency policies and insensitive or unskilled clinicians.

There were many inspirational letters about lifesaving care, yet we physicians were appalled by how often treatment was perceived as impersonal, fragmented and dehumanizing. Without social, personal, residential and vocational supports, medications rarely helped. However, we were touched and impressed that so many of your readers were resourceful in overcoming the limitations of their illnesses.

Stigma and prejudice from medical professionals, institutions and the general public were additional obstacles to recovery. Dozens of letters contained painful stories saying that being regarded as mentally ill slowed the person's progress. It is essential that people with mental illness be seen as capable human beings, who are much more than the illnesses with which they struggle.

Reading the letters was enlightening. In response, we have written a report, "Now That We Are Listening," summarizing important issues in treating schizophrenia and providing excerpts of some of the letters. The report is free to your readers.

Thank you for helping us and other psychiatrists to understand how our patients feel about their care. -– THE COMMITTEE ON PSYCHIATRY AND THE COMMUNITY GROUP FOR ADVANCEMENT OF PSYCHIARTY

DEAR COMMITTEE MEMBERS AND DEAR READERS: A great many medical consumers would love the chance to air their feelings about how they have been treated by "the system." Thank YOU for allowing my readers to level with you. I had the opportunity to review many of the letters readers sent to assist your study. While it came as no surprise that patients were willing to tell me things they wouldn't ordinarily tell their doctors, I was struck by their frankness.

Those interested in obtaining a copy of the booklet, "Now That We Are Listening," may do so by sending name and address to: McKassen, Attn: Maria Harryn, 800 Business Center Drive, Suite 100, Horsham, PA 19044. Be sure to include the title of the booklet with your request.

DEAR ABBY: I'm sending an original to add to your "you know you're getting older when ..." collection. It came to mind when I read about applications being submitted to have the Coliseum in Memphis and a local bridge spanning the Mississippi River, added to the register:

"You know you're getting old when a structure built during your lifetime is added to the National Registry of Historic Places." -– ELMER L. RAY, MARION, ARK.

DEAR ELMER: Your contribution is a hoot. I'm guessing many of our friends and neighbors will squirm each year when new additions to the Registry are announced. Your definition fits more of us than many would like to admit.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 ($9 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)