DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, my 21-year-old brother, "Bill," has been dating a wonderful young lady I'll call Katie. Bill has been living with Katie and her family for the past year, until she finishes high school. She's only 18, but very mature for her age.

Katie is now pregnant. She claims it was an accident -- but those of us close to her know it wasn't. Bill has proposed and is planning to marry her next month. After that, he has to travel out of the country for eight months because he's in the military reserves.

My best friend, "Tammy," works with Bill. She recently confided to me that after Bill found out about Katie's pregnancy, he told three of his female co-workers -- including Tammy -- that he wasn't sure if he was making the right decision by marrying Katie. He told all of these gals that he needed to "be with other women" before he gets married.

To my astonishment, each of them ended up performing sexual favors for Bill, and he has made it clear to all of them that he wants to do it again. I am torn. I love my brother, but I'm upset that he cheated on Katie. I'm also sick about the fact that my best friend took part in this.

I don't want to create a family feud, but I can't keep silent about this mess. Should I talk to my brother about it? Should I tell Katie about Bill's unfaithfulness? Or should I keep my mouth shut and let the wedding go on as planned? -- TORN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TORN: This does not sound to me like a couple who are ready for marriage. Talk to your father or an older male family member whom Bill respects about what you have discovered, and then tell Katie. Katie must disclose to her obstetrician the fact that she needs to be tested for STDs, because if she has one, it could affect the health of her and her baby.

Bill is overdue for a "father/son talk" about the facts of life. These include the dangers of unprotected sex and the responsibilities of a family man. As it stands, your brother understands neither.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law died in January. It is now mid-May, and my husband has not yet sent thank-you cards to the family and many friends who offered their condolences and support. I say it is not too late -- he says it is. What say you, Abby? -- STILL GRIEVING IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Your husband has my sympathy. Perhaps he is procrastinating because he feels it's the last tie he has to his mother. When the task is finished, his mother really WILL be gone. It would be a kindness if you would offer to write the thank-you notes with him. Not only will it give him a sense of closeness and support, it will bring closure.

DEAR ABBY: In this period of renewed patriotism, could you please tell me the proper etiquette for listening to our national anthem? I attend many sporting events and have noticed a variety of responses when the anthem begins.

Are women supposed to remove their hats, as well as men? Should you place your right hand over your heart as you would when you say the Pledge of Allegiance? Do you face the flag or the singer? -- WANTING TO BE RESPECTFUL

DEAR WANTING: Stand, face the flag, and either sing along or remain silent. Placing your hand over your heart is optional. Men should remove their hats. Women are not required to. Do not eat, drink or converse for the duration of the song, and when it is finished, cheer and clap to your heart's content.

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DEAR ABBY: I had what I thought was a great marriage to "Grant" for nearly 15 years. Like many women, as I entered my 30s, I became bored and unhappy and, as our marriage suffered, I blamed it all on him. (I mean, wasn't he supposed to keep me happy?)

To make a long story short, I filed for divorce. Grant was shocked. I don't think he would have ever filed. It devastated our 10-year-old son and 8-year-old daughter.

It has been three years since our divorce became final, and after a series of boyfriends -- each more disappointing than the last -- I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Grant has had only two girlfriends since, and he is fairly infatuated with the woman he is seeing now.

Our children adore their dad, and I now realize how handsome, how nice, and what a great man Grant really is. I now believe he really is my soul mate.

Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? Can I, or should I even try to win him back? Help me, Abby! -- REGRETFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR REGRETFUL: The answer is yes to all three questions. Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it.

Before you start campaigning to win him back, you would be wise to get some counseling to be sure you're serious about wanting him back and not acting out of frustration about your inability to connect with another man.

If it turns out that Grant really is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, pray that he is more forgiving than most would be after having been hurt the way he was. It will take a miracle for him to forgive you. But miracles have been known to happen. And you'll never know unless you try.

DEAR ABBY: My 90-year-old grandmother had been a devoted member of her church for more than 50 years. She has been homebound for the last two years. The first of each month, she continues to send 10 percent of her Social Security check to her church, hand-delivered by friends and family -- whoever is attending.

Is my grandmother's pastor required by a "higher power" to come to her house on a regular basis to visit and pray with her, so that she feels she's still a part of her church community?

During the past year, my grandmother's pastor has come by her home only once. Grandma's modest home is always spotless, and she is pleasant to be around -- she's just old and lonely.

Her world has always revolved around her church, and now is the time that she needs their support. To tell you the truth, I'm so disappointed by their lack of compassion, it will be hard to look at those church people if they show up at her funeral. -- VENTING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR VENTING: There is no excuse for your grandmother to be ignored any longer. Whoever takes her money to the church next time should have a heart-to-heart chat with the pastor and tell him or her what you have written to me.

The responsibility to visit belongs not only to the pastor, but to the elders, deacons and the church members in general. Sometimes there is even a committee of volunteers to minister to the needy, elderly and infirm.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother died recently, and while going through a box of old photographs I was reminded of some advice you've given to readers: Always write the names of the people (and the date the picture was taken) on the back of your photographs.

One of my grandmother's snapshots was of a lady and a dog. Neatly printed on the back was, "Me and my dog." -- SAM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SAM: It could have been worse. It could have said, "Me and my gal," signed with a paw print.

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DEAR ABBY: I feel lucky to have a wonderful circle of friends. We've always been there for each other, in good times and bad.

However, one of these individuals (I'll call her Ruth) has a more affluent lifestyle than the rest of us. Ruth and her husband earn professional incomes that allow her to enjoy the finer things in life.

She is well aware of the fact that most of us are unable to live the way she does. The problem: When any of us purchases new clothing, furniture, etc., she invariably asks -- in front of everyone -- where it came from, who designed it, if it was on sale, etc.

Apparently this information is important to her because she's always talking about where she purchased her designer outfit and how much it cost.

Can you give me a clever comeback for the next time the interrogation begins? I'd like to put Ruth in her place without destroying our friendship. By the way, she's pretty good about dishing out criticism, but not at taking it. -- OFFENDED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR OFFENDED: Since Ruth is part of your "wonderful circle of friends" who have "always been there for each other in good times and bad," give her the benefit of the doubt. She may just be trying to make conversation, or to compliment you on your taste, so there is no reason to put her down.

Take her aside and tell her privately that her questions make you uncomfortable, and why. If she continues to quiz you publicly, smile and say, "I've told you before, I'd rather not discuss it." And change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks before our son's first birthday, my mother-in-law asked what we were buying for him. I told her I hadn't decided yet, but I knew what I wanted to get him when he was older. Well, she bought him the toy I mentioned. Abby, it says right on the box: "CHOKING HAZARD -- not for children under 3."

When my husband gently pointed out that the gift was "too old" for our son, she snapped, "It's all plastic parts!" and changed the subject.

Since then, she has asked us how he likes it. We have put her off by saying we haven't had time to put it together. I feel that warnings are placed on toys for good reason. I refuse to put my child in danger. Should we lie and tell her he likes the toy and put it in storage for a few years? What will we do when she visits?

We don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want this to happen every holiday or birthday. Any ideas how we can keep this from happening again? -- CAUTIOUS MOMMY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CAUTIOUS MOMMY: If you think a toy is dangerous, it's your parental obligation to keep it from your child. Rather than trying to tiptoe around this issue, tell her the truth and don't apologize. If this is an example of your mother-in-law's lack of judgment, do not leave her alone with your little boy. There is no telling what she might let him do.

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