DEAR ABBY: I loved, loved, loved the column about signs that indicate a spouse is cheating. I sent it to my former husband with red "x's" next to every point that reminded me of him. Since our divorce 22 years ago, he has remarried twice.

You hit the nail on the head when you listed "changes in grooming." My 55-year-old Romeo went out and bought hair dye and began to blow-dry his hair every morning to hide his large bald spot.

He had taken his wedding ring off years before, saying he couldn't wear it around the machines at work. But he didn't work seven days a week, and he was a supervisor. His men did all the work. (His company later demoted him for sexual harassment.)

The "emergency errands" you mentioned were hilarious. One night my ex said he had to get oil for the car immediately. When I casually-on-purpose suggested I accompany him, he went to the garage to pretend to take another look, then came back and said he didn't need the oil after all.

At the time of our divorce, I found a package of condoms in his fishing tackle box. I kept the package and stomped on all his lures and other fishing equipment. It was a few days before fishing season opened in Wisconsin.

A day or two later, I discovered another package of the same brand in my daughter's dresser drawer. She had been away at college for six months. (I had wanted to launder things in her underwear drawer when I came upon the package.) When I confronted my husband, who thought he'd had a sure bet with that hiding place, he said, "Don't tell 'Joanie' you found them in case they're hers." I screamed at him, "In case they're HERS, you creep!" Only the Lord must have kept me from getting a knife from the kitchen that night to use on a man who'd accuse his own daughter to get himself off the hook. It was the last straw.

So, Abby, if you think that you have heard it all, trust me -- you haven't. I don't miss him. And I will never remarry because of the alimony. My only regret is that I didn't throw him out sooner. -- HELL HATH NO FURY IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR H.H.N.F.: Just when I think I HAVE heard it all, a letter like yours comes along! I don't blame you for being angry. But please don't make it a career. Hate corrodes the vessel that carries it.

DEAR ABBY: My high school friends have invited me to a party that's coming up soon. I know there's going to be beer, drugs and sex. I was thinking about not showing up, but I don't want to let my friends down. Maybe I'll tell them an emergency came up and I had to go to the hospital. I don't like making up lies, but I don't know what else to do. What do you think? -- TEXAS DUDE

DEAR DUDE: I'm impressed that you are not caving into peer pressure. You deserve to be commended.

Make other plans so you won't have to lie. Then tell your friends you have another commitment. That way, you'll be telling the truth.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think I am selfish because I want to go on a ski vacation without my pregnant wife? At the time of the trip, she'll be eight months along. She says I'm being inconsiderate. Am I? -- SKI BUMMED

DEAR SKI BUMMED: I think so. Babies have been known to arrive early. And while you're on the slopes, your wife may need "a lift" to the hospital.

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DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jenny," is engaged to marry a nice young physician. It's going to be an elaborate "black tie" affair in a castle in Europe. The young man's family is enormously wealthy, and his siblings are all doctors or lawyers. Some of the wealthiest people in the world will attend the wedding.

On the other hand, our combined income is less than $30,000 a year. We pay our bills on time, but we have nothing extra at the end of the month. The good news is that the groom-to-be's family has contributed a lot of money toward the wedding. The bad news is that they're asking me why we haven't contributed any. Our daughter mentioned that some of her friends' parents have taken out a second mortgage on their homes so they can give their daughters their dream weddings. (We live in an apartment.) Jenny hasn't lived at home for 12 years and makes more money than I ever will.

Abby, what is expected of me and my family? How can we explain to Jenny that we are happy for her and love her, but cannot and will not use our small retirement savings to pay for her elaborate extravaganza? As it is, we will all have to travel to her castle, and pay for hotel rooms, tuxes, plus give them a lovely gift. We need your expert advice -- and fast! -- NOT EVEN CLOSE IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR NOT EVEN CLOSE: Do not allow yourself to be stampeded. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Under no circumstances should you mortgage your future to pay for a wedding. A wedding is a gift, not an obligation. Your daughter has chosen something that's beyond your means.

If the groom's family is unaware of this fact of life, please waste no time in explaining it to them. There should be no shame in doing so. It's reality.

DEAR ABBY: I am miserable. I am married and the mother of two children. I don't know how to get out of my marriage. My husband is so volatile he hollers, throws things, and is loud and verbally abusive to me. He also acts this way with the children.

I do not love him. I married too young and for all the wrong reasons. When we argue, he goes running to my family and tells them a sob story, and they blame me. When I try to talk to them, they refuse to listen and push me to stay with him.

I don't want to have to walk out on all of my possessions, but I will if I have to. I am willing to do almost anything to get out of this marriage.

The last time we went through this, he wouldn't leave. Now he is saying he will and promises he will not contact my family. However, I'm afraid to trust. Please help me. -- CONFUSED AND UNSURE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFUSED: Since you have already decided that the marriage was a mistake and not worth trying to save, consult a lawyer who specializes in family law. He or she will counsel you about what each of you is entitled to and how to ensure that your husband leaves.

Establish how you will support yourself and the children when the time comes. Do not depend upon your family for emotional support and you will not be disappointed. It is said that "breaking up is hard to do," but your lawyer can help you through the process. No one comes through a divorce entirely unscathed -- but it's better than remaining in a loveless marriage with a volatile, verbally abusive spouse.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 32 years old and have been divorced for about three years. My five-year marriage was a disaster. When my husband wasn't cheating, he was putting me down, telling me how fat and stupid I was, and that nobody liked me.

My life is 100 percent better now. I moved away and found a good job, and am once again at peace with myself. At the end of each workday, I enjoy going home, watching TV, turning in early -- then getting up for work in the morning and doing it all over again. The problem is that my family is worried about me.

On weekends, I go home on Friday night and don't leave my apartment until Monday morning. I am content with my routine, but my family disapproves. I don't usually worry about what others think, but I know they love me and are genuinely concerned. What do you think, Abby? -- PEACEFUL IN ARIZONA

DEAR PEACEFUL: That your family may have a point. There's an old saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," and it also applies to men and women.

Before you completely cloister yourself in your routine, please make absolutely certain that you are not confusing an absence of pain and abuse with happiness. It is important to have a balance in life, and by that I mean there's far more satisfaction to be found than just work and television.

A step in the right direction would be to sign up for a lecture series, or volunteer one or two days a month at a hospital, library or shelter.

DEAR ABBY: We have a close family friend of nearly 40 years. I'll call her Becky. She is nearly 80 years old and has no living relatives. Becky considers us her "family," and the feeling is mutual.

The problem we've run into is that Becky still lives by herself and continues to drive -- which she shouldn't be doing. She has had 10 wrecks that we know of in the past seven years. The most recent one totaled her car, and she promptly bought a new one. Becky has bad hips and legs, which has reduced her ability to walk or climb stairs. Also, last month there was a knock at her door late one night and she opened it without first looking through the peephole. Becky was robbed at gunpoint.

We have spoken with her several times over the past few years about moving into an assisted-living facility. However, Becky is one stubborn lady and doesn't think "those places" are for her. We disagree.

Becky depends on our family for everything, as though we are blood relatives. Since we're not, we cannot legally do anything to improve her situation. I speak for everyone in my family when I say we fear if Becky continues on the path she's on, she will not live much longer. Is there any advice you can offer on this sad situation, Abby? -- AFRAID FOR OUR FAMILY FRIEND IN DALLAS

DEAR AFRAID: Only this. Although Becky seems to have financial resources, she appears to be slowing down mentally as well as physically. Her physician should be made aware of her condition, because it's possible she should be supervised by a geriatric specialist or social worker. She appears to be a very vulnerable senior.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)