DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our mid-40s and reside in a mobile home community. Most of our neighbors are seniors, and we live a quiet life. I have fibromyalgia, which limits my activities.

Our 73-year-old next-door neighbor, "Pearl," is driving me nuts. She's constantly finding things for me to do for her.

I used to help Pearl when she asked, or take her to the store -- but no more. She's a loudmouth who has embarrassed me in public. I used to take her to doctor appointments -- no more. She's addicted to prescription drugs and has stolen from me. Three doctors in six months dropped her. I've learned not to mention medications I'm taking or she'll hit me up for some.

Pearl talks horribly about our neighbors. She also lies. But the icing on the cake came when she bad-mouthed my own mother to my face.

Abby, my life is no longer my own. I can't go outside without Pearl hollering at me to come over. I used to have a special place in my garden where I could sit peacefully and write in my journal, but I haven't been out there in weeks because of her.

I've spoken to Pearl's daughter, but she says to "just ignore her." I'm at my wit's end. What should I do? -- TAMMY IN OHIO

DEAR TAMMY: Talk to her daughter again. Pearl's problems are so numerous they cannot be ignored. She needs a medical and psychological evaluation. Assure the daughter that she is not alone with this problem -- there are programs in place for seniors that can be accessed by contacting one's local office on aging. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I'm employed as a legal assistant in a law office with two other people: my boss, "Jerry," and my co-worker, "Evelyn." Before reading further, please understand they are not having an affair.

My problem is that Jerry shows extreme favoritism to Evelyn. Some examples:

(1) Jerry threw an elaborate party for Evelyn on her birthday and did nothing for mine, even though he was aware of the date.

(2) He purchased an "employee incentive" package from an airline to reward "deserving employees" with air miles. Within six months, he awarded all of them to Evelyn.

(3) He ordered business cards for my co-worker and none for me, even though we are both his assistants with the same title.

(4) I suspect Jerry gives bonuses to Evelyn and not to me -- that are based upon the "good work" that both she and I do for the firm.

(5) He's flying Evelyn and her boyfriend first-class to Cancun to attend a seminar with him.

(6) Evelyn and I both exceeded our allotted vacation time last year. Jerry made me pay back the extra vacation days I took, but didn't make the same request of her.

I realize that Evelyn has been a legal assistant for many more years than I have. However, it's obvious that our boss out-and-out favors her. What should I do about it, Abby? -- TREATED UNFAIRLY IN DENTON, TEXAS

DEAR TREATED UNFAIRLY: Take the hint and start looking for a job elsewhere. You are in a no-win situation.

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DEAR ABBY: I am writing this for those female readers who wish the men in their lives would share their feelings with them. What I have to say to them is this: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!

My husband shares all his feelings and thoughts (mostly negative ones) with me all the time. Every night I am forced to sit for hours listening to him verbalize his thoughts and feelings. He has no time to do yard work or household repairs because he's either too busy thinking and feeling or verbalizing his endless criticisms.

He does hold down a steady (sedentary) job, and some of the ways he gets in touch with his feelings -- through music and poetry -- are positive. However, when I was in a car accident last year and should have been resting and recuperating, my husband "didn't have time" to help with housework because his piano had to be played and his novels had to be read.

When we were first married, we moved to a small rural town hundreds of miles away from our friends and families. It has been hard to make friends in this closed community. Once every few years a family member or friend is willing to come and visit us, but my husband almost always finds a way to alienate our visitors. He will start arguments, tell them what he didn't like about the Christmas presents they gave us, complain about how much money we spend on food while they're at our house, etc.

I'm afraid that soon I'm going to have no one left. I've talked to my husband about this several times, but he doesn't see it as a problem. Help! -- TALKED TO DEATH IN MINNESOTA

DEAR TALKED TO DEATH: I am all for sharing thoughts and feelings, but the person you have described is one who is self-obsessed, verbally abusive, and thinks no one's feelings are as important as his own.

By "sharing his thoughts and feelings," your husband is chipping away at your self-esteem and isolating you from friends and family. It's important that you give this some thought and not allow yourself to be his scapegoat. Also, I hope you have a job outside the home, because it may be your only way to have meaningful contact with others.

DEAR ABBY: I bought my wedding dress two months ago. I showed a picture of it to my sister-in-law who is being married a few weeks before me. Yesterday she went out and purchased the exact same dress. Although she is having a small wedding, my fiance and I are still very upset. She and her fiance insist we are being selfish and inconsiderate of their feelings. Do you think we are wrong to be angry? -- P.O. IN N.J.

DEAR P.O.: No, I do not. You are entitled to your feelings. That said, there is still time for you to return to the shop where you purchased your bridal gown and discuss how to individualize your attire for the wedding. (Consider a different headpiece and veil, adding or deleting gloves or other accessories, adding or subtracting a train.)

And remember, although imitation may be irritating, it's also the sincerest form of flattery. Your sister-in-law is "family," so pleased don't let this cause a permanent rift. And in the future, don't show her any more pictures.

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DEAR ABBY: I am writing not for advice, but to help others in a situation that I recently encountered.

I have a dear friend I'll call "Kent" who has muscular dystrophy. Kent is 95 percent paralyzed, but mentally he is one of the most intelligent, mature, open-minded, wonderful people I have ever met. At age 40, he is confined to his parents' home, to his bed and to a ventilator. Kent lives every day knowing that his next breath could be his last.

Kent has never had a girlfriend nor any sexual experiences, although he has all the normal sexual feelings and desires that any able-bodied man would have. For the past four years, Kent has asked me to arrange a sexual experience for him. He called and asked again recently, so I agreed.

I contacted an escort service and before I could finish two sentences, the manager said, "Don't worry about it. We've got it covered -- and we'll do it for free." The encounter went very well. The woman had a medical background and was not shocked by his disability or life-support devices.

When Kent's religious parents found out (they were not at home at the time), I was banned from their house, from contacting him, and his phone book suddenly "disappeared." I regret that I may have lost a dear friend, but I am more saddened to realize that a 40-year-old man can be held captive in his room by his disabled body and by his parents' morals and values as though he were a 13-year-old adolescent.

Abby, there must be many "invisible" people with disabilities that we never see because they are trapped inside. I hope this letter will open the lines of communication in some homes, and also make people understand the normal, natural needs of these individuals. -- VIC IN GRAHAM, N.C.

DEAR VIC: So do I, because the situation you describe is tragic. Too often, assumptions that have nothing to do with reality are made about people with disabilities. One of these is that people with disabilities do not have sexual feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Healthy relationships help a person build self-esteem. They should be encouraged because they are an important part of a person's development. It is wrong for a person in control to project his or her own moral values on another adult who is dependent. For parents to confine an adult child, to prevent that person from having relationships, and to discourage that person from living life as fully as possible is to me both cruel and ignorant.

I would only hope that someone in your community who understands this could intercede and explain to Kent's parents that there is room for nontraditional relationships in cases like this one.

DEAR ABBY: I just turned 21 and am engaged to be married in May. My fiance and I have been together all through college, but I have been feeling hostile toward him for the last couple of months. I get mad for the stupidest things and don't know why. Lately I've been feeling I want to go out and "experience life." Should I call off the wedding? -- OVERWHELMED WITH CONFUSION IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: You are overdue for a frank talk with your fiance. You may be experiencing pre-wedding jitters or are feeling trapped. Whether the wedding should be postponed or called off is up to the two of you to decide. You both would benefit from premarital counseling.

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