DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago when I was single, I got the wife of a friend pregnant. (I'll call her Lily.) Lily was afraid that coming clean with her husband would destroy their marriage, so we both kept quiet and allowed him to think the child was his. A beautiful baby girl was born; they named her "Candice."

Shortly after the birth, Lily, her husband and Candice moved out of state. I couldn't trace them, which meant my child disappeared from my life. I married a local girl, and we have led a quiet, happy life all these years with our two young daughters. I told my wife everything. She was supportive of my desire to find Candice, but we both felt torn about how aggressive the search should be.

A year ago out of the blue, Lily contacted me. She had divorced her husband and married another man who knows that I am her daughter's birth father. Candice is now 14, and the three live only two towns away. Lily and I agreed to meet at a public soccer event where Candice was competing. I was able to finally see my daughter. She looks and acts very much like me -- even to the point of excelling in the same sports I did at her age.

With Lily's permission, I have continued to "show up" at Candice's sporting events, but her mother wants no contact beyond that. Lily has done an excellent job of raising her, and Candice is an "A" student who is socially conscious and well-adjusted.

I am deeply ashamed of the way both Lily and I handled things from the beginning of this girl's life, and feel strongly that I want my daughter to know who I am. I am more than willing to accept financial responsibility. Candice may want to meet her two half-sisters, and she deserves to know the medical history of my side of the family, as there is an unusually high rate of breast cancer.

Lily is dead-set against telling Candice anything, and until now I have respected her wishes. Please give me your opinion on whether my daughter should be told the truth now -- or ever. -- ANXIOUS BIRTH FATHER IN TEXAS

DEAR ANXIOUS BIRTH FATHER: I agree that, if only for medical reasons, Candice should eventually be told the truth. However, because her mother feels so strongly, that may have to wait until she's an adult. It is my belief that children should be told the truth about their parentage as early as possible. Since I may not know all the facts in this case, the girl's mother may have valid reasons for feeling as she does.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old female college student who just started a part-time job at a pizza parlor. The one problem I'm facing is my boss keeps staring at my breasts every time we talk. It's very unsettling. How do you suggest I handle this, Abby? I really need to keep my job. -- CO-ED WITH A GAWKING BOSS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CO-ED: Tell your boss what he's doing makes you uncomfortable. If it continues, start keeping a diary and documenting his behavior. It could qualify as sexual harassment. It's possible that he's also doing it to other young women in his employ.

Remember, there's strength in numbers. If other employees are experiencing the same problem, confront your boss as a group -- or, as a group, report him to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). That should get his attention.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for six months. A few weeks ago, we gave his parents our house key so they could let a plumber in to fix a water leak. Without asking, they copied our house key for themselves. Although we didn't like it, my husband did not make a big thing out of it.

Yesterday, when we returned home from work, it was apparent that someone had been in our bedroom. The computer was left on. We have learned my husband's parents gave our key to my husband's brother, "Joe," who used our computer to go online to access pornographic sites. My husband has expressed his "disappointment" to all of them –- but I am livid. I feel violated, Abby. What should I do? -- OUTRAGED IN OHIO

DEAR OUTRAGED: Change the locks on your doors and change the password on your computer. And next time your faucet leaks, ask someone else to let the plumber in.

DEAR ABBY: While driving home from school with my 13-year-old daughter and her best friend, "Cammy," in the car, Cammy suddenly burst into tears and said, "I feel like killing myself."

The minute we got home I held separate, private conversations with my daughter and her friend. It seems Cammy fells neglected by her parents (they are divorced with shared custody), and she's upset because they both abuse alcohol. Cammy said she has tried to talk to her mom and dad about her feelings, but they "just yell at her."

Abby, I know this family very well. I find it hard to believe that things are as bad as Cammy says. However, a child crying out -– either for help or attention –- deserves both. How should I handle this? -- CONCERNED IN SOUTHERN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONCERNED: Let Cammy know she is always welcome to come to you at any time. Then, in a nonaccusatory way, let her parents know that Cammy is seriously depressed, and needs them now more than ever.

The face that a family presents publicly can be very different from the dynamics going on in private. Whether or not they drink too much, Cammy is feeling emotionally isolated, and that can be considered a form of child abuse.

Alateen might be helpful for her. It's a 12-step fellowship of young people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. It can be contacted by writing: Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617. The toll-free number is (888) 425-2666. The Web site is www.al-anon.alateen.org.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are separated. During the holidays, he had our 17-year-old son with him, and they went out of town for the weekend with a 15-year-old girl.

Abby, the girl's mother had never met either of us until my husband picked up her daughter and chatted with the woman for a few minutes.

I am appalled! What kind of mother would allow her teenage daughter to go away for the weekend with a boy and his father for three nights? -- READER IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR READER: A mother who needs her head examined. You have described a recipe for disaster.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Like many men, I often find myself reticent in the "I love you" department. So I wrote my wife the following poem for Valentine's Day to make up for it. -- ROY HARRIS, NEW BOSTON, TEXAS

DEAR ROY: Not all men have a way with words. I was touched by your sentiments, as I'm sure many of my readers will be.

WHAT MATTERS MOST OF ALL

I go to work and pay the bills

And mow the grass and such.

But when it comes to loving,

I'll admit that I'm not much.

I usually buy you flowers

On your very special days.

I thought that it would make up

For the words I didn't say.

I told you that I'd love you

Until the end of time.

And that I would let you know

If I ever changed my mind.

But that's not what you want to hear

You need more than that.

You want burning passion,

And I'm a little flat.

Life goes on, the days go by,

The months turn into years.

Some are filled with laughter,

Some are filled with tears.

But one thing that will never change

And that's my love for you.

Although I don't express it,

It's honest and it's true.

Lots of things that matter

Some I can't recall,

But having you beside me

Is what matters most of all.

I love you. Happy Valentine's Day.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I just became engaged. After we call our parents to announce our engagement, which family should call the other first -– the bride's or the groom's? Which family should invite the future in-laws' family and the engaged couple out first?

I should mention that both families are Jewish. Is there a tradition, Abby? -- EAGER TO CELEBRATE IN NEW YORK

DEAR EAGER: Religion has nothing to do with it. Traditionally, your fiance's parents should make the first gesture. They can either telephone your parents and plan to get together, or if finances permit, offer to host a tea, dinner or buffet supper. However, this is a flexible rule -– since eventually you will all be family, no one should stand on ceremony. Mazel tov!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)