DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Wanda," is in trouble. We're only in sixth grade, and I don't want her to ruin her life. I found out she is doing drugs. I know Wanda needs help, but I don't know where to start.

Should I tell her I know? I think the first step to helping her is to get her to admit she has a problem. Am I right? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONCERNED: Admitting one has a problem is the first step in helping ONESELF. If you try to get her to admit she has a problem, the first thing she will probably try to do is deny it.

Your first step to helping Wanda should be to tell your mother what you have learned. It is important that your friend's mother know what her daughter is doing, so she can have the girl tested and find professional help for her. Do not put it off.

DEAR ABBY: When parents have been divorced for many years, is it possible for a bride to have both her father and stepfather walk her down the aisle? This is becoming a bone of contention that no one seems able to solve. -- WORRIED GRANDMA IN HOUSTON

DEAR WORRIED: If the birth father has been absent emotionally and/or financially, and the stepfather has raised the bride, the subject can be sensitive. From my perspective, the father who put in the effort should have the honor of walking her down the aisle -- but not all brides agree with me. Some families compromise; the birth father walks the bride partway down the aisle, and the stepfather takes her the rest of the way (or vice versa). I hope this helps to resolve the dilemma.

DEAR ABBY: I have a boyfriend I like a lot. The problem is my mother won't let me have him over even when they are here. I am very responsible and wouldn't do anything dumb with him. I'm 13, so it would only be to spend some quality time together. Have you any ideas how to convince my mom? -- TOTALLY CRUSHED IN COLFAX, WIS.

DEAR TOTALLY CRUSHED: Clip this letter and show it to your mom. She may think that you are too young to be interested in boys and believe that if she "just says no," your interest will lessen. Big mistake. Parents who are inflexible force their children to sneak around. They have forgotten that the safest environment is the one that's most closely supervised, and that is at home with an adult present.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if it is still appropriate to address a card to a young male child as "Master" and then the child's name? I have been doing it for years, but my husband says that the practice is outdated. -- UNSURE IN ELYRIA, OHIO

DEAR UNSURE: Continue to do it if you wish. According to the 16th edition of Emily Post's "Etiquette" (Harper Collins, 1997): "Boys may be addressed as 'Master' on envelopes and formal correspondence until they are about 7 years old, and 'Mr.' when they become 18. In between, no title is used."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl. My brother molested me. It happened only once, but since then he has twice offered me money to help him with his "fixation." He had a girlfriend for a few years and they had sex all the time. After they broke up, his next relationship lasted for only a few months before she broke it off. That's when he turned to me.

I haven't told anyone because I'm ashamed of myself. I don't want people to find out -- especially my friends. I'm afraid they'll think I'm gross or something. What should I do? -- 'TOY' IN INDIANA

DEAR 'TOY': What happened wasn't your fault. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. The person who should be ashamed is your brother. His "fixation" is sick, and he should not be trying to make you a part of it.

It is important that you get help. Your friends do not have to know. Tell your mother what happened. If she minimizes what your brother did, then pick up the phone and call your local rape hotline, or the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N.) -- 800-656-HOPE (4673). The people there will understand the seriousness of what happened and will help you during this difficult time. Please don't wait. Trust me, you are not as alone as you think you are.

DEAR ABBY: What is the protocol for avoiding a co-worker's third wedding? Everyone in our office was invited to her second one, a large, catered affair. We all knew the marriage wouldn't last because she was marrying a jobless, irresponsible parasite.

She is again marrying for the wrong reasons. She admits she doesn't love her fiance, but he provides security and takes care of her two sons from her first marriage, both of whom have problems she can't handle.

I don't plan to attend, so am I obligated to send a gift? She's having another large wedding, she says, because they need money for the house they just bought. -- DISGUSTED IN DETROIT

DEAR DISGUSTED: You are under no obligation to give your co-worker a gift if you do not attend her fund-raiser. Since you have to work with the woman, consider sending a lovely greeting card or token gift along with your good wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I baby-sit for a family with three children. I watch them twice a week from after school until the mother arrives home from work. Lately, the kids have been involved in sports and after-school activities, so some weeks I am not needed.

Yesterday when I arrived, there sat the mother. She had taken the day off from work and didn't notify me. I'm afraid if I bring up the fact that I never know whether or not I should go to watch the kids, I'll lose my job. (Of course, when I don't baby-sit, I don't get paid.) I would appreciate any advice you have. -- GETTING FRUSTRATED

DEAR GETTING FRUSTRATED: It's time to expand your client roster. It appears you are being taken for granted and taken advantage of. For the mother to expect you to reserve a bloc of time and then not pay for it is inconsiderate and unfair. I recommend you institute a 24-hour cancellation policy. If you allot time to baby-sit someone's children, you should be paid for that time unless properly notified. Experienced, responsible baby sitters aren't easy to find.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a male, retired from a major West Coast law enforcement agency. I generally agree with your advice, but I have a mega-problem with your answer to "Needs an Answer," the lady whose hubby, "Cliff," is incarcerated. She asked what to say when people she meets ask where her husband is.

You advised her to tell people they are having a "trial separation." Sorry, Abby, but a lie is a lie no matter how you package it. You should have told the lady to tell the truth. -- BLOWN AWAY IN MAUI

DEAR BLOWN AWAY: The fact that a relative is in prison isn't something that some families want to publicize. While many are open about the fact that a family member is incarcerated -- and it is probably healthier to be up-front about it -- not all are willing to be. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Needs to Know's" children must be able to talk about their father and be proud of him without worrying about what other people think. Their mother should set the tone for this. What is important is their relationship with their father, not what the neighbors think. Keeping secrets and behaving as though their dad is someone to be ashamed of will only hurt her boys in the long run.

That woman needs to forget what everyone else may think, and say and do whatever is the most healing for her children. A family therapist may be able to help the family navigate through their discomfort and allow the boys to feel good about him -- regardless of the reason he is in jail. -- DEALT WITH IT IN DELAWARE

DEAR DEALT WITH IT: Your suggestion of a family therapist is a good one. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Rod," is also in prison, and I, too, often feel uncomfortable revealing his whereabouts. I usually say he's an optician living in Southern California. (He is, having received his certificate while in prison.)

When I confide in a close friend or colleague where he actually is, people are usually understanding (and curious). But I've never experienced any criticism or negativity. After almost 10 years, it still hurts to talk about it. But knowing my son has made progress in his rehabilitation helps to ease the pain. -- JOAN IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR JOAN: Your son was wise to make the most of the time he has spent in prison. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband is serving 15 years to life. Although shame and guilt are normal reactions, they can be harmful to the family of an inmate. The isolation that comes from living a lie only causes more harm in the long run. We tried it.

A better approach is to be honest, reach out to people and admit how painful it is. Once we did, we found that many other families in our area also have a loved one behind bars. The ridicule and scorn we expected never happened. Instead we were supported and encouraged. -- DIANE IN AUBURNDALE, FLA.

DEAR DIANE: I agree that living a lie is unhealthy. Thank you for sharing your personal experience. There are ministries and programs whose mission is to help the families of prisoners. One which has been mentioned in this column before is the Osborne Association, which offers a list of resources online at www.osborneny.org. Also available from the National Institute of Corrections is a printable version of its "Directory of Programs Serving Families of Adult Offenders," at www.nicic.org/pubs/2002/017081.pdf.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)