DEAR ABBY: I had a problem similar to the one described by "Stressed Out by Mom," the college student whose mother calls to unload her problems. A therapist taught me a technique that worked wonders. When Mom called and complained, instead of sympathizing (which is why she called in the first place), I'd mirror her complaint back to her so she didn't receive the positive feedback she was seeking.

When she said, "Your sister doesn't know how to save money," I'd reply, "So what you're saying is my sister doesn't know how to save money." However, when she said something positive, like, "Isn't it a lovely day?" I'd be sure to give her all kinds of positive feedback. "It sure is! I'll bet your marigolds are really blooming now!"

It worked like a charm and preserved my relationship with my mother. She quickly lost interest in the topics that didn't bring positive feedback, and we'd end up talking about all kinds of interesting things.

This method is tried-and-true. It's based on behavioral psychology, and it works with spouses, kids, co-workers -- the applications are endless. -- TRIED IT IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR TRIED IT: Thank you for the suggestion. I was unprepared for the deluge of mail I received from readers who identified with "Stressed's" problem. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 57-year-old woman who has had the same problems with my now 76-year-old mother since childhood. Please tell "Stressed Out" that she must take immediate steps to set healthy boundaries. She should schedule an appointment at the student health center and talk to a psychologist about her problem.

I am the only family member still on speaking terms with Mother. Her eight siblings, the folks at the senior center and people from her former church no longer talk to her. I'm the only one she has left to lash out at -- and if I try to set boundaries now, the breach it will create will leave her with no support system at all. -- WISH I'D DONE IT IN FREDERICKSBURG, VA.

DEAR WISH: Perhaps the suggestion offered by the next writer will be of help to you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who is an alcoholic. He calls to ramble, complain and generally make me miserable. I relieve my stress by playing computer games, reading a magazine or watching TV while he's talking. The trick is to otherwise engage your mind while uttering an occasional response. It works. When he hangs up, I have no idea what he said, but he is happy and I'm not stressed. He's never really wanted answers -- just somebody to unload on. -- COPING IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR COPING: Not everyone has your level of tolerance. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I made similar calls to my daughter. They would begin as friendly calls to chat and nosedive from there. I hope that girl's mother locates a therapy group to attend. Maybe she can find some help and comfort there. My daughter eventually made it plain that if I continued to cry when we were on the phone, she would not talk to me. I know she screens her calls and often doesn't pick up.

So now I talk to the women in the group about my problems. Most of them have daughters they're close to. When I see families with mothers, daughters and grandmothers all together I am happy for them, but sometimes I'm jealous. -- SCREENED OUT IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR SCREENED OUT: I'm pleased you're getting emotional support from your therapy group. It may be healthier for all concerned. Many people have confessed that they, too, screen their calls because they haven't the courage to set boundaries. However, no one ever solved problems by dodging them.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in three months, and through pure coincidence it turns out that one of my cousins is being married the same day. We're not close, as she was very competitive with me while we were growing up.

Her wedding will take place in the morning. I'm having an afternoon wedding with an evening reception. I assumed she wouldn't be able to make it to my reception because she'd be exhausted and want to spend time with her new husband.

Well, I just received an e-mail from her saying she wants to attend. Ordinarily, that would thrill me. However, the catch is, she says there won't be enough time to change, so she wants to wear her bridal gown to my reception.

I think this is terribly rude. I mean, how long does it take to change? Am I being petty, and if not, what can I say to her? -- FRUSTRATED BRIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Although the rules regarding proper attire for wedding guests have become more flexible in recent years, it is still unacceptable for a guest to wear a bridal gown to someone else's reception. Tell your cousin that you will "understand" if she's a few minutes late to your reception, so she can change, and that she and her new husband should quietly seat themselves when they arrive.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 31, divorced and female. My marriage ended four years ago. I haven't dated much since.

When I least expected it, a wonderful man I'll call Tony walked into my life. He was everything I wanted and more. He treated me the way I deserved to be treated and seemed to like me a lot. I fell for him hard.

A short time later, he told me he didn't want a serious relationship. I was crushed but continued to see him. We dated for about two years and there were still no serious feelings on his part. Then, all of a sudden, he hit me with the news that he had fallen in love with someone else. I was floored! He had said he didn't want a serious relationship.

I can't seem to get over him. Every time I try, Tony calls me and wants to hook up. His new girlfriend will be moving here soon from another state, yet he still calls and wants to hook up with me. How can I let go and move on? I still love him. -- CAN'T LET GO

DEAR CAN'T: Let me explain something. When Tony said he didn't want a serious relationship, he meant with YOU. Wake up and smell the coffee. You are being used. The sooner you can recognize that fact, the sooner you'll be able to let go and say no.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been having some problems. He has this female friend who wants him to date her. I told her no, it isn't going to happen, but she won't leave him alone. We're trying to plan our wedding, but she keeps getting in our way. What should I do? -- SPITTING NAILS IN WHITEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR SPITTING NAILS: Nothing. The female friend isn't getting the message because the wrong person is doing the talking. If your boyfriend is serious about marrying you, HE should be the one to inform her that his feelings for her are strictly platonic. Please suggest it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am about 70 pounds overweight. When I try to diet I just give up. I feel like crying every night because of the way I look. The older I get, the more concerned I am about my weight problem, but I can't help myself.

I'm not dating anyone, and my so-called "friend" said it's because I am so ugly.

I am also kind of scared that I'll wind up dead because of my weight, but I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm sad and I eat because I'm happy. I joined an athletic program at school. All it did was help me lose a little bit of weight -- not much.

What can I do to feel better about myself and become more healthy? I don't want to die. -- SCARED AND SAD FAT GIRL

DEAR SCARED AND FAT: Stop beating yourself up. You have a weight problem, but you're not alone. So do millions of other people. Give yourself a pat on the back. You have already taken the first important step in overcoming your problem. You joined an athletic program, which is important to your long-term health. An added bonus is that it helps to burn calories.

Now it's time to make an appointment with your physician so he or she can recommend a sensible weight-loss program. Once that's established, go to your phone directory and check the listings for Overeaters Anonymous. OA is a self-help group that has been around for more than 40 years, with more than 8,000 chapters in 50 countries. You will be welcomed with open arms into a fellowship of compassionate women, men and young people who share a common problem. It charges no dues or fees, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively.

Allow me to quote from a letter I printed in 1999 from a member of Overeaters Anonymous:

"Before I found OA at age 19, I had failed at every diet I tried. I wasn't able to stop shoving food down my throat. Back then, I could easily consume eight candy bars, a pint of ice cream and half a pizza in one sitting. ... My emotional state was equally tortured.

"I lost 45 pounds, Abby, but more important, I have kept it off for more than 18 years. One of my closest friends lost 102 pounds through OA and has kept it off for nearly two years. My sponsor, who guides me through the program, lost 250 pounds and has kept it off for 27 years. I'm not making it up.

"Incredibly, I don't miss the foods I used to wolf down. I eat nothing sweeter than fresh fruit, and I haven't been plagued by the relentless cravings I used to suffer. OA changed the way I relate emotionally to food. I love life now, and often can't wait to get up in the morning."

"Sad and Scared," jump-start your diet by jettisoning the so-called "friend" you mentioned in your letter. With that kind of negative influence in your life, it's no wonder you turned to food for comfort. If you have trouble locating an OA chapter near you, visit the Web site, www.overeatersanonymous.org, or send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to OA World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, NM 87174-4020. You'll be glad you did.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)