DEAR ABBY: I am fluent in French and English. I want my daughter, "Chantal," to speak both languages. I am in a relationship with a man ("Clark") who has three children who live with him full time. I am wondering if speaking French to Chantal in front of Clark and his children is rude. My daughter's first language is French, and I have always conversed with her in French.

This has been a point of contention for some time now. I have asked Clark to make an effort to learn French, but he has no desire to, nor do his children.

There is a "closeness" factor, I believe, in sharing my mother tongue (my mother is French, my father American) with my daughter, and I would like to carry it down the generations. Clark says I can talk to Chantal in French when we're alone, but that wouldn't be often. What do you think? Is this worth ending the relationship? -- FRANCO-FILLE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR FILLE: It's interesting that you have framed your question in black-and-white. Surely your daughter can remain fluent in French without excluding Clark and his children from your conversations. If you love him and care about his children's feelings, you can enroll your daughter in French language and literature classes, and send her to visit her French-speaking grandmother, and -- if it's affordable -- take her someplace where French is the dominant language for a vacation. (If Clark and his children went along, it might inspire them to learn.) This, in addition to spending one-on-one time with your daughter, would keep her French from getting rusty, without sacrificing a relationship with someone you care about.

P.S. Even if you end the relationship, there is no guarantee that your daughter would continue to pass her French along to her own children.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, "Misty," is now dating my father (who is still married to my mom, but separated). Mom blames me. She says it's all my fault because I brought Misty into the family. We have two kids. What can I do to get past all the hurt and pain? I'm depressed all the time, and it has reached the point that it is affecting my work and everyone around me. Please help. -- DESTROYED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR DESTROYED: Two selfish people decided their passions could not be denied, and innocent bystanders -- in this case you and your mother -- have been devastated. Your father's misbehavior and your wife's was not your fault. Your mother blames you because she is unable to project her anger where it really belongs, which is on your father.

Both you and your mom could use counseling to work through this soap opera. Please take my advice and waste no time in seeking a referral -- perhaps to a therapist with two couches, since you and your mother are suffering from the same problem.

DEAR ABBY: A young woman I know is dealing with the death of her twin sister, the result of a tragic accident. Although she continues to "work through" her grief with her family and other siblings, she would like to be able to talk to another surviving twin for help in coping with her pain.

Is there a support group for twins who have lost their twin? Any information would be appreciated. -- WANTS TO HELP IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS: Have I got a group for her! It's Twinless Twins Support Group International. Founded in 1985, it offers support for twins who have lost their twin (or other multiple), as well as information and referrals, phone support, conferences and more. Your grieving friend can contact the group by writing: Twinless Twins Support Group, P.O. Box 980481, Ypsilanti, MI 48198-0481, or visit the Web site, www.twinlesstwins.org.

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DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a woman, "Uneasy About My Daughter," who was concerned that her husband might be acting inappropriately with her 11-year-old daughter. She went on to describe her husband sitting on the toilet and eating his dinner every night while the girl took her bath, and also stroking the girl's backside to lull her to sleep at bedtime.

You advised "Uneasy" that her husband's behavior was inappropriate and urged her to discuss the situation with the girl's pediatrician. You said the husband might back off if he heard from the doctor that what he was doing was wrong -- and that the doctor should report the man if he refused to stop.

Abby, I think you threw gas on the fire without knowing more about that mother's concerns. Why is the husband eating his dinner while the daughter takes her bath? Does he get home late, after the rest of the family has eaten? How developed is the girl? My 11-year-old girl looks like she's 8! Is the father really rubbing the girl's bottom -- or her back? A back rub isn't inappropriate.

Eleven is a weird age. The girls aren't women, but they aren't small children either. My 11-year-old thinks nothing of jumping into the tub when I'm bathing my 3-year-old. She also does it when my husband is bathing our son.

If "Uneasy" feels the way she does, why doesn't she have her daughter take her bath earlier? -- TRUSTS MY HUSBAND IN TUCSON

DEAR TRUSTS: That's a good question. However, she wrote to me because she has a sixth sense that's telling her something is wrong. And she should listen to that sixth sense and act on it. After I printed that letter, the volume of mail I received from survivors of child sexual abuse curled my hair. Read on for a sample:

DEAR ABBY: As a child, I was sexually abused by my father, a "pinnacle of the community." I still bear the emotional scars. What "Uneasy's" husband is doing is called "confusing touch" and is very likely a precursor to outright abuse. By confusing the daughter into thinking his behavior is OK, the father opens the door for behavior that isn't. "Uneasy" must get help for her daughter so the girl can learn how to set boundaries and define appropriate touch.

Parents have a responsibility to their children to protect them from sexual abuse by family members, friends or others. -- BEEN THERE IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR BEEN THERE: I was taken aback by the number of first-person testimonials I received describing similar experiences.

DEAR ABBY: I am a detective specializing in crimes against children in a central Florida sheriff's department. If the father acts this way when he is being observed, I can only imagine what goes on when the mother isn't present. The fact that the mother referred to the man as "my husband," not as the girl's father, raises more red flags.

Had this been reported to me in my jurisdiction, I believe I would have probable cause for an arrest on charges of lewd and lascivious molestation.

"Uneasy" should contact local law enforcement and child welfare agencies and report her husband. If she doesn't, she could be charged with failure to protect her child. -- FLORIDA DETECTIVE

DEAR DETECTIVE: Several other members of law enforcement around the country offered similar sentiments. However, pediatricians are mandated to report child abuse if there is evidence -- and that is why I recommended the mother first talk to her child's physician.

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DEAR ABBY: My son, "Will," is married with three beautiful children. One evening a few weeks ago, I baby-sat my grandchildren at their house. A strange car kept stopping in front of the house, and when I went to the window, it would drive off.

Will and his wife, "Eve," both work. He returned before she did, and I left. However, I was suspicious, so I drove up the street and parked in a dark area. A few minutes later, the car pulled up again, and my son ran out of the house and got into the car. I drove slowly by the car and saw my son and a strange woman talking.

Should I tell Eve what I saw? A few people have told me to butt out. I strongly suspect that he is having an affair with this woman. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOM IN MISSOURI

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Talk to your son. Give him a chance to explain. Warn him about how much he has to lose if he is involved with another woman or doing something illegal. But do NOT carry tales to your daughter-in-law without first talking to your son -- if then.

DEAR ABBY: About four years ago, a woman I know, "Cathy," gave me a beautiful matching ring and bracelet. She told me at the time that she couldn't wear them because they were too small. Cathy said she knew I loved jewelry and wanted me to have the set because she didn't know anyone else who would enjoy it as much as I would. I accepted the items and wear them frequently. I love them.

Cathy has since had gastric bypass surgery and lost nearly 150 pounds. She recently came into the office where I work and told me that since she has lost so much weight, she wants the jewelry back as she can now wear it.

Should I return the ring and bracelet? -- UNDECIDED IN ALABAMA

DEAR UNDECIDED: Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as she (or he) wishes. The question you must ask yourself is, which is worth more to you -- the friendship or the jewelry? Only you can answer that.

DEAR ABBY: Referring to the woman who is receiving checks from her elderly Aunt Millie, I would suggest that she contact Millie's children or someone who is involved in her day-to-day life before cashing them. Aunt Millie may not remember that she has already sent a check, or she may be arbitrarily sending checks to numerous people and charities.

Someone closer may be able to tell the writer to relax, enjoy the money and just thank Aunt Millie, or appreciate being alerted to monitor her checkbook and keep an eye out for other problems that may need to be addressed.

Gift-giving is often a way of staying in touch or seeking more contact. The niece and her children might write, call or visit Aunt Millie more often and give her the gift of their time. -- SYBLE SOLOMON, GERONTOLOGY DEPARTMENT, UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA AT GREENSBORO

DEAR SYBLE: Thank you for pointing out that what I considered to be generosity might instead be a sign of dementia in Aunt Millie. If you are correct, contacting someone close to her could avert a big mess.

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