DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old stepson, "Bryan," is turning into a feminine little boy. He knows all about girly products and what is on sale at the mall. Bryan's mother treats him like a baby. All they do at their house is sit around and watch TV. She has no friends, and neither does Bryan. He does not get involved with anything; he is exactly like his mother.

When Bryan is at our house, we try to get him involved in activities, but the boy is lazy and doesn't want to participate. Then he tells his mother that his father yells at him. My husband does yell, but only to get Bryan off his butt to do something. The result is Bryan wants to spend very little time with us because of his mother's constant babying. At our house, he has chores and we make him help with things. At her house, she does everything for him.

How can we make Bryan less feminine and involve him with friends and activities? -- "WICKED" STEPMOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STEPMOM: It is a parent's job to help a child be the best that he (or she) can be. That does not mean the father remaking the child in his own image, and that may be what the boy is resisting. Bryan is not particularly "masculine," and he's not interested in what you and your husband are trying to force him into. Your insistence on trying to make him fit your mold may be what is driving him away.

Instead of yelling at him to get him "off his butt," if you need his help with chores, say exactly that. ("Bryan, I need your help with something.") And since he isn't interested in the usual "boy things," perhaps it's time you and your husband expose the boy to art, music, dance, to see what does turn him on.

If none of the above does the trick, then some professional counseling for the three of you to establish a healthier level of communication is in order. You may be able to help Bryan be more social, but don't count on changing the core of who he is.

DEAR ABBY: My wedding is scheduled for the fall of next year. My parents are paying for the whole thing. My problem is my grandmother. She has never shown any interest in me and doesn't know me from a hole in the wall. She has been verbally abusive to my father throughout his entire life. She even told him once that he was a "mistake" and she didn't even want to have him.

I do not want this woman at my wedding, but I know my father wants her there. My dad feels that since I am her only granddaughter, she should be present. I have nothing but anger toward her because of the way she has treated my father and her indifference toward me.

Who should decide whether the mean old bag will attend? Since my parents are paying, does my father get the final say? Oh, did I mention that my mother does not want Granny there, either? How should this be handled? -- HATES GRANNY IN MARYLAND

DEAR H.G.: My advice is to be a lady and be gracious. Your father has his reasons for wanting his mother to come to the wedding. Please find it in your heart to grant his wish without giving him further heartburn. On your wedding day, you will be so busy with your wedding party and your husband, you'll hardly even know the woman is there.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our son is 8 months old, and my wife is busy planning his first birthday party. The party will be in February, which makes it too cold for anything outside. She plans to invite 50 guests, including children.

Our house is small, so she wants to rent a hall and have the party catered. Is this too much for a first birthday party? We're saving for a new house, and what she has in mind will be expensive.

My wife says I'm cruel for not supporting her idea of a big bash for our son. I think that having our immediate family together, healthy and alive, is special enough. Am I being a curmudgeon? -- SENSIBLE IN NORRISTOWN, PA.

DEAR SENSIBLE: You're not a curmudgeon -- you are someone who has his eye on a goal and hasn't lost his perspective. The party your wife is planning is really for her, not the baby. All a child that age needs for his birthday is his mommy, his daddy, and a few close relatives to celebrate the occasion with a cake he can put his hands and face into -- and, of course, a camera.

DEAR ABBY: I am pregnant with my first baby. For some reason, almost every woman I speak to feels the need to tell me about the hell I am about to endure. Apparently I will never spend another minute alone with my husband. My car will be ruined, and my house will be a permanent disaster. Very few people tell me how wonderful it is to be a mom.

I would just ask that when a woman is expecting, please don't assume it's a license to complain about how terrible it was when your children were young. My husband and I planned this pregnancy, but if I had heard half the horror stories I've heard in the past several months, I probably would have taken a different route. -- MOM-TO-BE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MOM-TO-BE: If parenthood didn't have many rewards, do you think that these doom-spreaders would have had more than one child? While it's only logical that having children is a life-changing experience, it is also an individual process. For some people the adjustment may be painful. However, for many others, the changes are welcome and the joys are bountiful. Think positive and tune the naysayers out.

DEAR ABBY: I read your column on the Internet. I'm in a relationship with a great guy. "Ryan" and I have been together for almost five years -- more than half of it long-distance.

This might seem like a little thing, but whenever we talk on the phone or e-mail and say, "I love you," or "I miss you," Ryan always says, "I love you MORE," or "I miss you MORE."

Sometimes I feel hurt and sometimes it makes me angry. When I ask why he says "more," he always says something sweet to deflect it, but my antennae are wiggling like crazy.

I love Ryan and believe he loves me -- but what makes him feel a need to "best" me in this? Am I making too much of a simple statement? -- CONFUSED IN QUITO, ECUADOR

DEAR CONFUSED: Only Ryan can answer your first question. As for your second question, perhaps it's time to stop and analyze why you are put off. Love isn't a contest, and many readers would think they were in heaven if the person they cared about returned their expressions of affection with "ditto, and more so."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother, raising a 14-year-old daughter, "Cheryl." Recently, Cheryl has started going through my things while I am not at home. A couple of times she has found things of a sexual nature -- pictures and marital aids -- that I had thought were well hidden.

How do I address these matters without discussing the content in depth? We have discussions about a lot of things, but I must admit I'm embarrassed about this. However, I want to discuss this with Cheryl before she tells someone about what she found and gets misinformation. -- BLUSHING IN CHICAGO

DEAR BLUSHING: Your daughter is old enough to understand the concept of privacy -- and that includes not going through your things without permission, or discussing your private life with her contemporaries. Since you now know what she does in your absence, keep your personal items under lock and key.

If Cheryl questions you about the items she found, explain to her that they are sometimes used by adults. If she wants to know more, answer her questions honestly. And while you're at it, be sure your daughter knows that if she has further questions in the future, she's welcome to come to you with them, and you will be sure she gets correct answers.

DEAR ABBY: I'm having trouble dealing with my Aunt "Marge." She disapproves of the fact that my husband, "Keith," is 40 and I'm 33. Aunt Marge says I should have married someone my age -- or no more than a year or two older -- because SHE likes men her own age. Also, SHE prefers dark-haired men, so she keeps asking me why I married a blonde.

Keith earns enough so that I can stay at home with our two children. Aunt Marge says I'm selfish to make him carry the financial burden alone. (Neither Keith nor I feel there's anything selfish about it.) What's peculiar is, Aunt Marge has always been a homemaker. She hasn't worked a day since she married Uncle Steve. Also, she constantly asks my husband if he's saving the money he earns, and what we do with it.

Aunt Marge stops by unexpectedly a lot, usually at night. If I'm wearing my robe and nightgown, she demands to know why. Then she asks why I took my shower so long before bedtime. She also constantly criticizes the way I wear my hair.

Aunt Marge gets upset because, when Keith is home, we screen our calls. I've explained that it's to avoid telemarketers, but if we don't pick up, she says in a rude tone, "I don't want to leave a message. Pick up the phone NOW!"

Abby, she's a good person in other ways, but she has always had a habit of criticizing and being too quick to judge. Do Keith and I have reason to be offended, or should we just accept that she is who she is, ignore her, and not say anything? -- GETTING FED UP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FED UP: If no one has pointed out to Aunt Marge that it's rude to ask people what they do with their money, to drop by unannounced, to give unsolicited advice about personal grooming, and to demand instant gratification when she calls, now is the time. It won't change her, but perhaps it will cause her to stop for a moment and think.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)