DEAR ABBY: My parents have always assumed that if anything happened to me and my husband, they would be named guardians of our two children, ages 7 and 4 months. We have, however, decided to name our best friends, "Gabrielle" and "Frank."

When we asked them to be guardians, they said they would be honored. Gabby and Frank have two kids, 7 and 11 months. We rarely differ on parenting techniques, and they have always treated our children like their own.

We chose to go outside the family because half our siblings live far away and we don't want the children moved. The siblings who have remained in our hometown all have problems with drugs and/or alcohol. Mother is a wonderful grandmother, but she suffers from frequent migraines and has a touch of emphysema. A weekend with both grandchildren completely exhausts her. Dad loves the kids but has little patience with them. He also drinks too much, and that's not the environment I want my kids raised in.

Because we're going outside the family, we will include strict visitation rights for my parents.

Mom will be very upset when we tell her she won't get custody and will probably stop speaking to me. Would it be OK not to tell her and let her find out if and when the will is read? If not, how can I tell her without destroying our relationship? -- WORRIED UP NORTH

DEAR WORRIED: Assuming that you and your husband are in good health, I see no reason to make any announcements about the contents of your will. Should your mother raise the subject, do not lie to her; explain your reasons in the same way that you have explained them to me, because they are valid.

Because you are concerned about her being hurt if you predecease her and she finds out she was not named guardian, enclose a letter to her with your will, to be read by her in the event of your death. That way, she will understand your reasons for making the decision you did.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl, and lately I have been desperately yearning to go out and do something -- like go to a distant country and help the people there. I have even considered running away.

I haven't discussed this with my mother, because I'm afraid she will put me on more Zoloft or send me to another psychiatrist. She is an avid Dear Abby reader, so please, if you print this, don't print my name or city. Is there anything you can do to help? -- WANTS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR WANTS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE: I'm not sure you need my help. Wanting to make a difference in the world is a positive impulse, not a symptom of mental illness. It has energized people like Albert Schweitzer, Mother Teresa and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., to name a few, as well as legions of idealistic young people who have joined the Peace Corps.

Please have a little more faith in your mother and talk to her about your feelings. I'm sure she will be proud of you. Before packing any bags and heading for places unknown, consider this: You can change the world by starting small and building up to it. There are many volunteer agencies in your community that would welcome the help of an enthusiastic, energetic young person like yourself. Your mother can help you find some.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Arnold," and I have lived together two years. During the four years that we've known each other, we have had only five or six really bad, screaming, door-slamming, crying fights about relatively important subjects like children and money.

Arnold told me yesterday morning that he would be playing soccer with friends after work, and to expect him home a little later than usual. Well, when he wasn't home by 10:30 p.m., I panicked because he's usually home from games by 7. His cell phone was turned off, so I called a co-worker to try to locate him. Ten minutes later Arnold walked in the door. When he heard I had called a co-worker trying to locate him, he got very angry. He raised his voice, called me "psycho," and said I had no right to know where he was every minute.

Abby, we live in a bad neighborhood where innocent people getting shot, run over and killed isn't unusual. I am very upset because I have no idea why he got so angry. We have since made up, but I'm still hurting and feel his reaction was undeserved. Did I overreact? Is this a bad sign for our future? -- LOVES ARNOLD IN OAKLAND

DEAR LOVES ARNOLD: Your boyfriend may have been embarrassed because his co-worker was called, or he may have been angry because he was somewhere other than a soccer game. I don't know him, so I can't read his motivation.

However, now that you both have cooled down, it's time to explain to Arnold again how worried you were when he didn't show up or call, and ask him why he reacted the way he did. Suggest that, in the future, he give you a call when he's going to be more than an hour late.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and just finished the seventh grade. I recently got my belly button pierced, and everything was fine until about a week ago. This sounds weird, but a red bump showed up at the top of my piercing, and it seems to keep swelling. I've had my belly button pierced for only a month, so I'm sure I started changing my jewelry too soon. I'm worried this bump will stay on my navel forever.

Do you have any idea what it is, and how I can get rid of it? I love my piercing and don't want to take it out. Any information would help. -- PIERCED IN MONTANA

DEAR PIERCED: You may have an infection at the site of your piercing, or be allergic to the metal in some of your navel jewelry. My advice is to ask your mother to schedule a doctor's appointment for you so the problem can be diagnosed and treated. The doctor can determine whether or not you will have to "take it out." Keep your fingers crossed and hold a good thought.

DEAR ABBY: You have asked readers to share their pet peeves with you. Well, here's mine. Please help me get the message out. When an elevator door opens, please allow the passengers who are getting off to get out of the elevator before you get on! I don't understand why people must push their way into an elevator while folks are trying to get off. -- ELIZABETH IN MEDFORD, ORE.

DEAR ELIZABETH: Neither do I, unless they are so determined to be first on the elevator that they have forgotten their manners. It's only common sense that the elevator be allowed to empty before passengers begin to enter -- otherwise they're jostling each other at the door.

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DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to the suicidal 12-year-old from Pennsylvania. That letter was a cry for help, and I urge him or her to seek help immediately -- today, not tomorrow; now, not later. No 12-year-old deserves to feel the way that child does.

I can empathize because my 12-year-old son is struggling with major depression. Neither his father nor I realized it until one day he wrote a suicide note. Like the writer of that letter, my son thought if he told anyone he felt depressed he wouldn't be believed.

Believe me, when his suicide note was found, although he did not actually try to harm himself, it was taken very seriously. Treatment started that very day. We are not so far along on this journey that we know exactly what the future holds, but we do know our son is in a much happier place now with proper therapy and medication.

Adults in that child's life should treat even the suggestion of suicide with the seriousness it deserves and seek mental health treatment immediately. After seeing the difference therapy and medication have made in my son's life, I feel it is important to let that child know help is available. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. -- BEEN THERE AND DOING IT

DEAR BEEN THERE: I'm sure many more young people besides the one from Pennsylvania will appreciate your encouragement.

I advised the child who wrote to talk to a trusted teacher or counselor and to ask that person to intercede with his/her parents. I also suggested, if the temptation to self-injure became overwhelming, that he/she pick up the phone and ask the operator for a crisis hotline.

After the letter was published, I heard from many readers whose lives have been affected by depression or suicide. A woman who had been suicidal at 15 suggested the writer confide in a clergy person or the parents of a friend. A sixth-grade teacher, whose daughter had suffered from clinical depression for several years, told me her child had talked to a campus police officer about it because she "didn't want to worry" her mother. And a school social worker from Illinois asked me to print the number of the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).

DEAR Abby: Over the last two years I have lost 95 pounds. I did it by changing my lifestyle, exercising and making better food choices.

My husband, "Paul," insists that he shouldn't have to hide his cookies, potato chips and chocolate candy, and says I should have self-control. I do have self-control, Abby, but sometimes the temptation is just too great. I feel Paul is unconsciously trying to sabotage me. How can I make him understand that I don't want junk food in my line of vision, and that it isn't all about willpower? -- RESENTFUL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RESENTFUL: Your resentment is justified. His insistence on keeping junk food where you will find it is an attempt at control. Your husband isn't "unconsciously" trying to sabotage you; it is overt and deliberate. Your victory may be a threat to him. On some level it may have made him feel less in control of you, or he may be threatened that you are now more attractive to other men.

Because you can't control what your husband does, you must control the way you react to it. The next time you take a bite of his junk food, remember why he left it there. I'm sure it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

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