DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding "Worried Mom" from Montana, who is frightened about her children drinking "21 shots" on their 21st birthday. She is rightfully concerned about this so-called "rite of passage." We lost our daughter, Kim, to binge drinking two years ago on Nov. 25. She consumed between 22 and 24 shots in a four-hour period and died in her dorm room. She was only 18. Did she know the danger she put herself in? No.

We now have a Web site that lists the signs of alcohol poisoning and what to do. The URL is � HYPERLINK "http://www.kimsawareness.net" ��www.kimsawareness.net�.

To lose a child over a senseless mistake causes pain that never goes away. Young adults must realize that if they indulge in any kind of binge drinking, they could never see tomorrow. -- MOTHER WHO'S BEEN THERE, UPPER DARBY, PA.

DEAR MOTHER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss, as well as my thanks for reaching out to warn parents and young adults about this practice. If your letter saves even one life, your effort will have been worth it. After "Worried Mom's" letter appeared, I was deluged with mail. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In Minnesota, the practice is called "Power Hour," and the person turning 21 tries to drink 21 shots between midnight and 1 a.m. of his or her birthday. We begged our son not to do it. We told him the danger. He, too, insisted, "It's fine!" At 1:30 a.m. we got a phone call from the hospital where he spent the next 12 hours on life support. We were lucky. Our son nearly died. This foolish, dangerous practice can lead to tragedy. Beware! -- MINNESOTA MOM

DEAR ABBY: I work on a military base. Several months ago, we heard the tragic news that a service member had died after "celebrating" his 21st birthday by drinking 21 shots. It turned out to be his last birthday. The cause of death was alcohol poisoning. Despite all the warnings and lectures, it still happened.

Please, parents, tell your children it is NOT "fine." It's deadly. My heart goes out to the parents of that young man. -- READER IN KNOB NOSTER, MO.

DEAR ABBY: Twenty-one drinks is over the lethal dose for alcohol. A local man bet he could drink 21 martinis in one hour. He won the bet and expired immediately. That mother is right to be worried. -- LEWIS R., M.D.

DEAR ABBY: In my hometown, a man took his son to the local bowling alley on his 21st birthday and proceeded to buy him 21 shots of liquor. Two hours later, the "birthday boy" was dead and his father was in jail. There's no way the human body can process that much alcohol in a few hours. -- DOUG FROM SACRAMENTO

DEAR ABBY: I'm surprised that "21 shots" nonsense is still happening. I witnessed it twice when I was in the Air Force and college. The first time, the guy tried to drink a fifth of whiskey. He died on the way to the hospital. The second guy tried to drink a case of beer in one sitting. He was hospitalized for weeks and was never the same again. Alcohol should not be necessary to have a fun time -- but getting that across isn't easy. -- SILVER FOX, SEVEN HILLS, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: If my daughter hadn't had a friend who brought her home to me, she would have died from binge drinking. Luckily, I was able to get her to the ER on time. Literally hundreds of kids die every year because of this. A college Web site -- � HYPERLINK "http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov" ��www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov� -- addresses this issue in a fact-based, peer-run, straight-forward forum. Let "Worried Mom" and other concerned parents know about it. This is a plague among our children. Knowing the facts is the only way to keep from dying. -- THANKFUL MOTHER, VENTURA, CALIF.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a very special young lady I'll call "Rhonda." Our wedding date is approaching soon. We're both excited about the prospect of being married.

The problem is Rhonda can't decide who should walk her down the aisle -- her father, who wasn't a big part of her life while she was growing up, although they have a good relationship now, or her ex-stepfather, whom she feels deserves the honor.

The real problem is the grandparents. If she chooses the stepdad, her grandparents will be upset, and she doesn't want to do that. However, if she chooses her daddy, she feels she will not have given her ex-stepfather the respect he deserves.

Please help. -- CONCERNED FIANCE IN TEXAS

DEAR CONCERNED FIANCE: I have a suggestion. Ask Rhonda to draw a line on a piece of paper, symbolizing her life from birth to today. Parallel to it, she should draw another line illustrating how much of her life her birth father had a relationship with her. On the other side of her "lifeline" she should draw a similar line representing how long her ex-stepfather has been there for her.

Now, let's pretend the center line, the lifeline, is the aisle. Her birth father should walk her as far as his line extends on the piece of paper; her ex-stepdad should take her the rest of the way. Unless they both walk her from start to finish, I think that would be a fair compromise.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice on how to stop picking at my boyfriend. It drives him up the wall, and I know it -- but I can't help myself. If he has a blemish, I pick at it. If he has a whisker out of place, I want to pull it out. It's a horrible habit I have gotten myself into. I have tried to stop, but it drives me crazy. Please help me. -- SWEET MONKEY IN SEATTLE

DEAR SWEET MONKEY: You appear to be obsessive-compulsive where your boyfriend is concerned. (For a moment, I was afraid you'd be telling me that you eat the fleas you groom out of his coat.) One way to stop "picking" at your boyfriend would be to concentrate more on your own imperfections than on his. If you do, I predict you'll probably keep him around longer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is controlling and verbally abusive. It's his way or no way. We separated, and after two months, he asked if I would come to his place -- so I did and stayed the weekend.

He told me about a woman he had met, but he said he wanted me to come back home. I decided to give our marriage one more try. After one week, he was seeing the woman again. Two weeks later, he ordered me to leave. He said he loved her and wanted to see if their relationship would grow. He said if it doesn't, he will call me.

Should I wait for him or go on with my life? My emotions are so raw because of the turmoil that I'm not thinking clearly. -- DOWN AND OUT IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR DOWN AND OUT: The good Lord has given you a blessed gift, the chance to escape from a controlling and verbally abusive man who does not value you. Please take the break that has been offered, and go on and make a happy life for yourself. If you allow this relationship to continue (one can hardly call it a marriage), the cycle will only repeat until you have no self-esteem left.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: I have happy news. You have been writing to me for years -- now you will have a chance to actually talk to me in person! On Dec. 1 at 1 p.m. EST -- that's 10 a.m. PST -- I'm inviting you to pick up the phone, call me and ask your questions. The toll-free number is (800) 501-7080.

You can listen to the program by logging on to DearAbbyRadio.com. So join me then, and we'll make it a holiday "party" to remember! -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Andy," and I are being married soon. From the first time that Andy met my friend "Doug," they did not get along.

Doug and I have known each other since elementary school. We are very close -- in a sibling sort of way, as far as I'm concerned. When we're all together, just the three of us or in a large group, Doug makes subtle or sarcastic comments about Andy both to his face and behind his back. Andy has been very tolerant, at my request, although he wants to "have words" with Doug. Andy has also expressed recently that he doesn't like the way Doug casually touches me, which I hadn't really noticed until he pointed it out. What I can't understand is: Why?

Everyone I know who meets Doug or has known him for a few years, including my parents, are convinced he is gay. As close as I am to him, I can't tell one way or the other. His mannerisms are effeminate, he doesn't involve himself with women, he loves to shop with me and his mother, his taste is exquisite -- among other stereotypical "signs." But he has not come out. If he's gay, the casual touching is a little odd. If he's straight, I don't want to lose his friendship.

I'm terrified of asking Doug if he's gay. He seems to take offense at the notion, and I don't want to embarrass either one of us. But I need a way to tell him to calm down, without making it seem as if I'm against him now that I'm being married. Can you help me? -- MS. CHAOTIC IN DALLAS

DEAR MS. CHAOTIC: Doug may be so deeply closeted that he isn't even out to himself, so don't ask him. Whether he's gay or straight is beside the point. His manners are terrible. Doug is showing hostility and disrespect to the man you are going to marry.

What you should say to him is that you had hoped you would be friends for a lifetime, but it's not going to happen if he continues treating Andy this way. Inform him that he owes your fiance an apology (it's the truth), and that you'd appreciate it if he backed off and kept his hands to himself, because frankly, it's making you uncomfortable. After that, it's his choice as to whether he wants to build bridges or put himself on the outs.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend beats me almost every day. I don't know what to do because he only does it when we're having sex. So far, he has given me a black eye and a bloody nose.

Abby, I love this man, but I don't know what to do. Can you help me? -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE CITY, IND.

DEAR CONFUSED: I'll try. There are people who are unable to achieve sexual satisfaction unless they hurt their partners. These people are called sadists. There are also people who enjoy being punished in this way. They are called masochists. Unless you are a masochist, and it does not appear that you are, this man is not for you. His behavior could escalate to the point that you could be seriously injured.

My advice is to end the relationship now. If you allow this pattern to continue, you'll need a plastic surgeon to repair the damage.

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