DEAR ABBY: Your recent letters regarding domestic violence bring important attention to the dangers of this problem. Unfortunately, every year thousands of Americans lose loved ones to this terrible epidemic, and most are left wondering what they could have done to prevent it.

Too often we assume that violence happens only to other people -- people of a different race or culture, people who live in a different community, or people in a different type of relationship. But domestic violence does not discriminate. It can touch everyone -- through friends, co-workers and family members who are suffering silently without our even knowing it. Many of us also know abusers -- people who may seem charming and likable on the surface but cause fear, self-doubt, pain, even death, to those they claim to love.

Recent studies show that as many as one-third of teens experience abuse in a dating relationship. And, more than half of teens say they know friends who have been physically, sexually or verbally abused. The need for early intervention to change these shocking statistics is clear.

We must reach out to youth and talk openly and often about these issues so we can help them to avoid the terrible sorrow felt by families and others who are victims of abuse. Each of us has the right to a safe and healthy relationship free from violence, coercion and fear. -- JESSICA ARONOFF, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, BREAK THE CYCLE

DEAR JESSICA: Thank you for an important letter. I hope it grabs the attention it deserves from teens and their parents. Your statement that as many as one-third of teenagers experience abuse in a dating relationship, and more than half of them have friends who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused, will shock many people, I am sure.

Readers, Break the Cycle provides domestic violence education, information and help to students ages 12 to 24 throughout the country. It teaches what healthy relationships are and helps them to recognize the warning signs of abuse. Break the Cycle lets them know that help is available if they are suffering or in danger, and shows them that they deserve safe, supportive, non-violent relationships.

There are opportunities for interested people to help in this endeavor. To find out more about this worthwhile program, log onto www.breakthecycle.org, or call toll-free at 1-888-988-8336 (TEEN). I have supported Break the Cycle in the past, and continue to do so, because the earlier young people learn to differentiate between healthy relationships and obsessive, destructive ones, the healthier our society will be.

DEAR ABBY: I am confused about my sexual orientation. I am an 18-year-old girl. Although I encounter a lot of attractive guys at work, I don't find myself attracted to any of them. I do think that they are handsome, but I never, ever get that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling that my friends describe to me. At the same time, I am pretty sure I am not a lesbian.

Is there something wrong with me? Could I be asexual? Is there any way this can be diagnosed? -- CONFUSED IN NEVADA

DEAR CONFUSED: I hate to see you diagnose and label yourself. It is possible that you have simply not met the right person yet. Real life is not the way it's presented in movies and music videos, where the hero and heroine are struck by lightning and carried away at first encounter. Give it one more year, and if you still feel there is something missing, discuss it with your doctor. Sexuality is a matter of degree, and no two people are exactly alike.

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DEAR ABBY: My brother and his girlfriend, "Serena," moved in with my parents three years ago. They have since had a child who is almost 2. My brother did some things he shouldn't have, and now he's in prison. (He has eight months left to serve.) Serena doesn't work and barely takes care of their son. My parents seem to always have the little boy.

Last night, I dropped by the house unexpectedly. Mom was in bed, but I found my dad and Serena making out on the couch. I was furious. I could have killed her right there for doing that to my mom and my brother. Somehow I managed to keep my cool, but not before letting my presence be known.

Dad tried to act like what I saw was a game and wasn't real. I know what I saw, and I feel terrible. I don't know how to handle this. Should I tell my brother and my mom? I can never go back into that house ever again. As long as Serena is there, I am a time bomb waiting to explode. I'm afraid of what I might do to her. Please help me! -- "TICKING" SISTER IN N. CAROLINA

DEAR "TICKING": I'll try. The first thing you must do is recognize that, as tempting as it is to blame this all on Serena, your father is an adult and responsible for his actions. He is as guilty as Serena is, and attacking her is not the solution.

Because having Serena living under the same roof has proved too tempting for your father to resist, give him two weeks to move her and the baby out, or you will tell your mother what you saw. (I wouldn't be surprised if she already has an inkling.) If Serena goes, say nothing. To tell your brother that the mother of his child has been cheating on him with his father while he's incarcerated, and unable to do anything about it, would be to no one's benefit, so I strongly advise against it.

DEAR ABBY: When I have to express my sympathy to someone, such as an acquaintance at work over the death of a loved one, I haven't a clue as to what to say. I don't want to bore them with platitudes; they sound meaningless. I want it to be something heartfelt.

In the very near future, I will be losing a friend to cancer. I don't know what to say when my friend talks about dying. I want to be there for the family, and not be tongue-tied about expressing my feelings. Everything I think to say sounds stupid in my mind, so I keep my mouth shut. -- TONGUE-TIED IN TEXAS

DEAR TONGUE-TIED: Your discomfort isn't unusual, but please understand: What may seem "stupid" to you will not seem that way to the friend who is dying, nor to the family that is grieving. My advice is to keep your message brief and simple. To the family who is in mourning, say, "Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss." If they want to talk about it further, they'll let you know. If they don't, they will simply thank you for your condolences.

It is often difficult to converse with someone who is dying because of "survivor guilt," or a fear that we will become too emotional. Believe me, a person with a terminal illness is still the same person you have always loved. Listen to what he or she has to say, because the person may just need to talk. If you are wondering what to tell your friend, tell her what knowing her has meant to you, share what lessons she has taught you, describe those qualities that make her special. And it's all right to say that your life will not be the same without her when she is gone. It's not hokey; it's the truth. And one more thing. It's OK to cry. Tears can be healing.

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DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old son has been attending a day-care center that is run by my best friend, "Annika." While Annika was out of town attending a funeral, one of her staff members kicked my son in the head because he was "in her way." When I questioned the teacher, she smirked about it and didn't deny it.

I wanted the matter addressed immediately. I called our state licensing division to have the matter investigated. The following week, when Annika returned, she advised me that child care for my son would be terminated in two days. The teacher received a simple write-up.

Annika said I didn't give her the chance to correct the problem with the teacher before calling the state. I am livid that she took it personally when I tried to protect my child. I didn't do it to get her in trouble.

Annika was to be my maid of honor next September, and the thought of it makes me ill. I have no desire to see my former best friend, and she lives across the street from me. This all happened last week. Should I give it time, or stand my ground? Am I overreacting about this or should I reconcile? My decision will be based on your reply. -- OVERWHELMED IN TEXAS

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Your call to the state licensing board was premature. Although I understand your outrage as a protective parent, everyone might have been better served had you withdrawn your child from the day-care center until Annika returned, and not jumped the gun. Frankly, you are lucky to have your son out of there. The teacher, who appears poorly suited for her job, should have been dismissed instead of reprimanded.

Only you can decide whether or not to reconcile with your best friend. Because Annika lives across the street, I see no point in trying to avoid her. However, you both might be happier if you asked someone else to be your maid of honor.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, I became close friends with "Anthony" and his wife, "Erika." Erika died unexpectedly, leaving behind her husband and two children, "Heidi" and "Dustin." Heidi and I became very close, and she began looking up to me as a mother figure.

Seven months ago, Heidi found out she was pregnant. She is still in school. The baby's father left her. She asked me to be with her when the baby is born.

A few months ago, Anthony started seeing someone. His girlfriend is very jealous of my friendship with him and the fact that his daughter looks up to me. Heidi and the girlfriend don't really get along. Heidi asked me again if I would go with her when she goes into labor and I told her yes.

Should I honor Heidi's wishes and be there with her, or should I stay away until after the baby is born? I don't want to hurt anyone. -- FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR FRIEND: Of course you should honor Heidi's wishes and be there for her. She is probably nervous and frightened about the delivery, and you would be a comfort to her. If the girlfriend doesn't like it, that will be her problem. Please don't make it yours.

DEAR ABBY: If I go to a buffet restaurant, how much of a tip should I leave at the table? I want to do it right. My friends have told me that because this is a kind of "self-serve" restaurant, we can leave whatever amount we like. I am ... CONFUSED IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.

DEAR CONFUSED: If you want to "do it right," leave 10 percent.

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