DEAR ABBY: My son "Darren" is 13 and has been obese for several years. I have tried many ways to help him lose weight. He was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea and uses a CPAP machine at night to help him breathe. Darren's doctors have told me it's extremely important that our whole family be included in lifestyle and diet changes in order to help our son.

My husband, Harry, however, refuses to be involved. He continues to bring home junk food and eat it in front of Darren and me. My son and I are going to an informational meeting about yet another program. I asked Harry to come with us. His answer was, "Why should I pay someone to tell me something I already know?" along with complaints about how hard he works and how he just wants to come home and not attend another meeting.

Harry says he supports us, but he doesn't give us any real, meaningful support. Actions speak louder than words. This has been going on for too long. I'm tired of his arrogance and denial concerning Darren's health. I have told Harry this and suggested counseling -- but he just blows me off. Any suggestions? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT: Go ahead with the counseling without your husband. You are not the person caught in the middle here; your son is. His physical problems are life-threatening and he needs all the support he can get. Obesity is a family problem, and you and Darren need to understand why his father is deliberately sabotaging him.

It takes real effort to learn to make healthy food choices, prepare it in ways that may be different from how you learned to cook, and to present it in a way that is appealing. If your husband insists on bringing home junk food, you can't stop him. But he should not be allowed to eat it in front of you and your son. In order to accomplish what you must, you may need assertiveness training. And that's where the counselor comes in. Please don't wait. Start NOW.

DEAR ABBY: I ended a relationship with "Bill" after I discovered evidence that he was also sleeping with another woman. I later learned that Bill had had multiple relationships while he was with me. I also found out that almost everything he'd told me about his life was a half-truth.

As part of a healing process, I apologized to Bill's ex-wife, "Donna," for any pain my relationship with him had caused her. She was generous and reached out to assure me I had been the victim of a diagnosed sexual psychopath. Donna told me she had discovered 17 victims during her marriage to Bill. Through therapy, she learned he was expert at taking control of women by making them at first feel needed, and later unstable when his facade began to crack. It took Donna 25 years to gain the courage to file for divorce against him.

During my relationship with Bill, I transformed from a confident professional woman to someone who doubted all of her decisions. I'm happy to be rid of him, but I have learned that he has recently gotten engaged.

I feel I should warn his new victim. She's a good woman, and I know she thinks he's a wonderful person. Friends and family tell me to keep silent because she won't believe me and I should not put myself at risk. Some guidance, please. -- NO LONGER A VICTIM IN NEW YORK

DEAR NO LONGER A VICTIM: Your family has a point. The woman may not want to hear, nor want to believe, what you are trying to convey. However, you, Bill's ex-wife, and as many of the women he has taken advantage of as the two of you can gather should arrange a get-together and let her know what she's in for. After that, to paraphrase Dorothy Parker, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make her think."

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bob," and I have been married 35 relatively happy years and have raised two successful daughters.

For the past 10 years we have been friendly with a couple I'll call "Ted" and "Alice." They have been married for about 12 years -- it's the second marriage for both of them.

It seems like whenever we get together, Alice manages to bring up the subject of sex. In the past I'd ignore it, but the last time it happened, she began talking about how Ted had taken pictures of her after sex. Then she stared at Bob and asked, "Would you like to see them?" Abby, my husband responded, "Sure!"

At that point I lost it. I told Bob his response was extremely rude and showed no concern for my feelings. Everyone tried to make light of what happened, but I feel I was right. I realize that Alice may have an issue, but was I wrong to state my feelings? -- CAROL IN STATEN ISLAND

DEAR CAROL: You were right to make your feelings known, but your anger should have been aimed at Alice, not your curious spouse. If I had to guess, I'd say Alice and Ted probably have an open marriage, and they have been trying to "enlist" you and Bob for some time. Unless this is your cup of tea -- which I doubt -- wake up and cool it with this "adventurous" couple.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 23-year-old daughter I'll call "Whitney." She got pregnant five years ago, dropped out of school, and moved in with her boyfriend, "Tim." They are now a family with my granddaughter.

Three years ago, Whitney and Tim mentioned having a wedding and splitting the cost three ways -- between Tim's parents, me and them. (I was OK with a small, simple wedding.) Then, two years ago, they decided to elope with no one invited except Tim's parents.

Now Whitney has decided she wants a large wedding with 300 guests, most of whom are Tim's family and friends, along with her father's family. She says she doesn't "feel" married without walking down the aisle as a bride and her father giving her away. (Her father and I are divorced.)

Abby, my family lives halfway across the country. Only my son and I would be attending. The problems started when I told Whitney that I would not fund this expensive affair and that she is already married -- plus, I was not invited to her first wedding.

This has created a rift between us, and I'm not sure what to do. I don't feel it's right to fund a second wedding. I offered her a week at a resort for a honeymoon. She refused my offer and has disowned me. What should I do? -- QUESTIONING IN NEW YORK

DEAR QUESTIONING: Your daughter appears to have an unusually inflated sense of entitlement. Nowhere is it written that a parent is obligated to fund an extravaganza like the one she has in mind. A first wedding is a gift that some parents give to their children. However, your daughter chose to elope. The fact that Tim's parents were invited while you were excluded should be a clue as to how you rate with her.

Your offer to treat Whitney and her husband to a second honeymoon was generous under the circumstances. You are her mother, not her personal piggy bank. I hope you will stick to your guns and not permit her to blackmail you -- because that is exactly what she is trying to do.

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DEAR ABBY: I am concerned for my sister, "Sharon." She has been divorced for four years and hasn't been able to find a decent man.

Sharon is 42, has a good job and is intelligent. Recently, she brought "Rick" to our family reunion. We were all impressed with this handsome, well-educated professional man.

Well, she recently confided that Rick has been married four times, and if that wasn't enough to deter her, she also said he had served time in jail for molesting his 6-year-old daughter. Our family is in an uproar!

Sharon doesn't seem to think this is an issue because her sons are all grown. We have all told her that we don't want him around.

I'm so worried for my sister. How desperate must she be to have a man in her life to settle for a child molester? What should we do? Can child molesters be rehabilitated? -- SICKENED SISTER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SICKENED SISTER: My experts have told me that although child molesters "can" be rehabilitated, the success rate is very low. If your sister marries this man, he should not be allowed to be around minor children, including grandchildren, nieces, nephews and neighborhood children. Indeed, as a condition of his release from prison, he may not be allowed to be.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my dad got the promotion to a job he always dreamed of, we got rich. We moved to a different city, a better neighborhood and a nicer house. We live next door to an even richer family. They are very snobbish. Nevertheless, my mom thinks they are "perfect."

My mom is always trying to set up play dates with these neighbors' creepy son, "Jared." Jared is a bad kid. He is racist and lies to his parents all the time. What should I do? Every time I tell my mom, she says I need to "extend" myself. But I can't stand only being friends with Jared because our mothers are friends. -- FAKING IN WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.

DEAR FAKING: If you are living in a nicer house in a better neighborhood, it should follow that you are also attending a "better" school. Surely there are extracurricular activities offered at your school that would give you an opportunity to interact with other kids -- and therefore have less time to "play" with Jared. That's what I'm advising you to look into.

In spite of his financial advantages, he appears to be a troubled, unhappy and angry boy who might benefit from counseling. And you should not be spending all your time with just one "friend," if you can be part of a larger crowd.

DEAR ABBY: I spend lots of time and money on my flower garden. While I'm outside working, it is not unusual for complete strangers to stop and ask me for plants and bulbs. Believe it or not, three women were even brazen enough to ring my doorbell.

It is one thing to share flowers with friends and family -- but with people I don't even know? Please give me a clever response to these nervy individuals. -- APPALLED IN WINCHESTER, VA.

DEAR APPALLED: You should count yourself lucky that these "nervy individuals" are asking for the plants and not pinching them. Sadly, I have heard from other frustrated horticulturalists whose gardens have been denuded by people who simply helped themselves.

As to what to say to people who ring your bell asking for plants, rather than being put off, why not give them the name and address of the nursery where you buy your own? That's what I'd do -- unless I offered them a cutting so they could root their own plants.

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