DEAR ABBY: I am extremely shaken by a recent experience, and I want to share this with other parents who may one day find themselves in a similar situation. My daughter, "Mary," is almost 18 and in the 12th grade. We have always had a close relationship. She has always come to me to talk about what's going on in her life -- friends, crushes, school, just about everything.

A few months ago, Mary told me about a terrible situation concerning one of her classmates. "Jill" had just learned that she was pregnant and was frantic. She told Mary that she couldn't tell her parents because she was afraid of a violent reaction.

Mary was so worried about Jill that she came to me for help. After hearing the story, I encouraged my daughter to tell Jill to talk to her parents. I never imagined what would happen next.

I knew from things Mary had said that Jill's parents were hard on her, but I didn't know the extent of her problems at home. When Jill took my advice and told her parents she was pregnant, her father beat her so badly she ended up in the hospital and lost the baby.

Abby, you can't imagine how terrible I feel about this. Jill will never be the same, and I feel I am to blame. I wish I had known how to protect her from a dangerous and violent situation at home.

I hope you will share this letter with other concerned parents and give your thoughts on this heart-wrenching problem. -- SHOCKED AND SADDENED IN SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR SHOCKED: Please stop being so hard on yourself. You advised your daughter's friend to do what most other parents would have. What you failed to take into consideration was the fact that many teens live in homes where there is violence, abuse, drug problems and incest.

A year ago here in California, there was an attempt to legislate "parental notification" into law. Fortunately, it was voted down. It's teens like your daughter's friend who would have been harmed by this kind of law. They certainly cannot go to their parents -- and I have never believed that the law can successfully force this kind of communication with the home.

Of course parents want their children -- regardless of age -- to come to them if there is a crisis. And I am told that seven out of 10 teens who find themselves pregnant do exactly that. However, those who don't usually have a good reason for not doing so. Teens like the girl in your letter need counseling and care, not laws forcing them to face abusive parents. I'm glad you wrote to me. Your sad story is a lesson for other well-meaning adults.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please resolve a problem for me? I want to know the proper etiquette for wearing a heart-shaped diamond ring. Do you wear it with the point facing you or facing the tip of your finger? -- CARA IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR CARA: According to Michael Botsko, director of the Tiffany jewelry store in LA's Century City, the stone should be worn with the point facing outward -- so that when you extend your hand, people won't mistake it for one that's round or oval.

DEAR ABBY: I am very concerned. I recently started seeing a man who refuses to kiss me. He will peck me on the lips or the cheek, but nothing more. I have asked him about it. He claims he has never kissed, and that it actually turns him off. I feel like because of this I can't connect with him on a more intimate level. Is this normal? Please help. -- LIPLESS LOVER IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.

DEAR LIPLESS LOVER: Although his aversion is not unheard of, it is not "normal." Most affectionate lovers kiss. I can't answer for you, but for me, this would be a deal-breaker. My "gut" tells me you should keep him as a friend -- and expect nothing more.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college sophomore living in a dorm. My best friend lives a few doors down. We have always had a wonderful, caring friendship and many things in common. Lately, however, she has not been spending much time with me. Normally this would not concern me because we are both very busy right now -- but we recently had an argument in which I discovered her inability to handle confrontation.

When I brought up my concern, it led to a fight. She burst into tears and said she can't handle it when I "yell" at her. Abby, I hadn't raised my voice. Later, more calmly, she told me she cannot handle confrontation and will never, under any circumstances, take the first step. This worries me, not only for our friendship, but for her own emotional health.

When she doesn't want to spend time with me, I wonder whether she's angry with me and won't say so. This could seriously affect her in her future friendships and romances. I tried to talk to her about addressing her fear of confrontation, perhaps through some sort of therapy. She doesn't think she has a problem. I'd like to help her. Am I right that this could cause her problems? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN OAKLAND

DEAR WORRIED: Yes, it could. However, until your friend is willing to face the fact that she has a problem and is ready to deal with it, nothing you can say will convince her.

In the household in which your friend was raised, she may have been punished for expressing overt anger. People raised to "stuff" their feelings that way sometimes find other ways of expressing it so they won't have to admit their true feelings. The name for this "other way" is passive aggression.

Right now, your friend may be busy, or she may be punishing you for putting her in a corner by avoiding you. But if the way she deals with unpleasantness is by avoiding it, you'll never get a straight answer from her -- so my advice is to enlarge your circle of friends.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "James," and I have been married only three years. We are both in our 20s. Everything is really great between us -- except our sex life. As far as he is concerned that's fine, too, but I am not satisfied. It may seem odd to hear the female wants to have sex more frequently than a young and healthy male, but that's the case in our relationship.

Abby, I work with the public and I get frequent remarks about what a beautiful woman I am. This makes it hard for me to believe that I don't attract him at all. I have expressed many times that I wish we were more intimate. I have even expressed it to him in more than one letter, hoping to reach him.

I am at a total loss as to how to make him realize how important this is to me. Is there something wrong with my body? I just don't know who to turn to for advice on this subject. Please help me. -- SHORT ON INTIMACY IN OHIO

DEAR SHORT ON INTIMACY: There is nothing wrong with your body. You have married a man who appears either to have a very low sex drive or be asexual. The place to find the answers you need would be in the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist. What's ailing your marriage has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your husband.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the feedback regarding my answer to "Feeling Guilty, Memphis, Tenn." after I urged her to wait until her serviceman fiance returned from Iraq before breaking their engagement. Today I will share more of them. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a psychologist and served in Iraq running a combat stress-control clinic. I couldn't agree more with the answer you gave that young woman, and have wished for a forum in which to provide that exact advice.

Many of the soldiers we saw had exactly this problem -- Dear John letters, e-mails or phone conversations. I can't tell you how distracting the information was to them. In addition to placing their own lives in jeopardy, their inattentiveness jeopardized the lives of soldiers around them.

Ladies (and gentlemen), listen up! Do not communicate this type of information until the soldier returns. It'll be easier to deal with complaints of deceit than with the guilt of possibly having caused physical harm to someone else. In this particular case, ignorance is bliss. -- TOM ANDERSON, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, and every soldier around who was discussing your column, disagreed with your reply. They all said they would rather be given the bad news while deployed. They said they have lots of people around to support them. This will give the soldier time to heal and close a chapter of his life. If she's worried about his reaction, it might be better to send a letter to someone in his chain of command, perhaps with a sealed letter to him to ensure he gets any help he might need. She also needs to do the right thing and return any money or gifts he's given her. -- SOLDIER'S WIFE, PARKERSBURG, W.VA.

DEAR ABBY: As a retired Air Force director of safety, I can attest that the probability of an accident or possible suicide among young people increases markedly following a traumatic emotional situation such as divorce, breakup (receipt of a Dear John letter), court-martial, etc. If "Feeling Guilty" values her friend's life at all, she should definitely wait until he has returned. Then she would probably be doing him a favor by breaking up, because she's not in love, she's in "lust." -- ALFRED J. D'AMARIO, LT. COL., USAF (RET.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was a company commander in Vietnam, Dear John letters were my biggest personnel problem. Soldiers in harm's way cling desperately to girlfriends and wives. I had one soldier commit suicide over a Dear John letter. We learned to put soldiers under a suicide watch for a few days after such a letter. Family members and friends who write to "tattle" do the soldier no favor. Let the soldier get home with support from family and friends before dropping the news. Letters and e-mails should be overwhelmingly positive. Our military people deserve that much. -- RON K., ROGERSVILLE, TENN.

DEAR ABBY: I cried when I read your response to "Feeling Guilty." I was a Marine serving in Chu Lai, South Vietnam, in 1965, when a close friend got a "Dear John" from his wife. He died that same night as a result of an "accident" involving a hand grenade. I pray she has the heart to wait until her fiance returns to safe soil. -- ALWAYS A MARINE IN MY HEART, ENGLEWOOD, FLA.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)