DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-years-young woman living in my own home with my 84-year-old husband, "Jack." Jack was an avid gardener who enjoyed tending our large yard full of roses, fruit trees, and a variety of flowers and vegetables. During the past year, however, Jack's health has deteriorated and he can no longer do much around our home.

I have tried to take over some of the gardening, but haven't the time or energy to keep it up to Jack's standards. Otherwise, I feel we're doing well. I still drive and keep house and enjoy our great-grandchildren. I used to keep my home to very strict standards, but in recent years have realized that a few dust bunnies are not a crime.

Lately, my daughter, granddaughter and even our oldest great-granddaughter have been trying to push us into living closer to them, into a smaller home with less yard and what they believe would be less work for me. Unfortunately, this has led to harsh words exchanged between my daughter and me.

When my granddaughter agreed with my daughter, I told them to stay out of our business and let us run our own lives. When my granddaughter said the family was only trying to plan ahead and prepare me for when I would be alone, I yelled at her and told her they didn't have the right to force their opinions on me.

Recently my husband's doctor told him he can no longer drive and he was given a walker. We have not told our children because we dread that they'll force us to move, or worse, force me to put Jack in a home. I do not believe this would be the best choice at this time.

We do not want to be a burden on our children. I believe I am able to take care of my husband, my home and my life without our children and grandchildren interfering. How can I get them to understand this without creating more bad feelings?

I know they read your column. Can you help them understand that I have the right to continue to live in my home as long as I wish, and the choice to move should be mine -- not theirs? I'm sure many older people out there are going through what we're going through and could use your wise and valued support. -- "GRACE" IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.

DEAR "GRACE": I'm sure many older people are experiencing what you're going through -- and in the next few decades there will be even more. That's why I'm going to be direct with you. You are "79-years-young," and your husband is 84 and failing. There's an old saying, "You can fool Mother Nature, but you can't fool Father Time."

You may think you are able to keep up the house and the property, but from your description, your ability to do so is becoming less. It does not automatically mean you must make drastic changes in your lifestyle and place your husband in a home. However, it DOES mean that it's time to review your options.

While downsizing might have its advantages, you could also consider finding someone to help you with housekeeping and gardening a couple of times a month. A home health-care professional could also help you care for your husband in the surroundings you both love.

On the other hand, moving closer to your children could provide you with a place that would be easier to keep up -- and also give you extra money to make your lives more comfortable. Please try to keep an open mind and not be defensive. If your children did not love you, they would not be as concerned as they seem to be about you.

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DEAR ABBY: My little girl, "Angela," is 3 and has never seen her father. We were engaged to be married, but he left me three weeks before I had her. She is now asking lots of questions about who he is and where he is.

People who are "educated" in this sort of thing have instructed me to talk about it, keep it simple and not to lie. I have explained to Angela that "you have a daddy, his name is Jeff, and that he lives too far away to see." This was acceptable for a while, but she continues to ask about him.

What is hard to explain to my child is that her father abandoned us with no explanation. The guy didn't even give me a phone call to let me know he wasn't going to be around. He just disappeared. It has been four years of grieving, and I still cry over the loss of my best friend, the father of my beautiful little girl -- not to mention the many issues that go with being a single mother.

Please help me answer questions that are painful for me to explain, so it won't leave a permanent scar on my daughter. -- DEVASTATED IN ST. CHARLES, MO.

DEAR DEVASTATED: I have often thought how unfortunate it is that boys can father children at the age of 11, when many of them don't grow up until they're in their 30s. The "best friend" who fathered your little girl is a prime example.

This is the "mantra" to repeat when your daughter asks about him: "Your father's name is Jeff. I don't know where he is. He left before you were born." It's simple, it's no reflection on her -- or you, for that matter -- and it's the truth. Of course, as your daughter grows older and asks for more information, she should be given more details. But for now, this should be enough.

A final thought. Because four years into the grieving process you are still crying, please consider some sessions with a psychologist. You deserve more happiness and satisfaction than you appear to be getting. You can't change the facts, but you can change the way you react to life's challenges.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently asked to join another couple, "Johnny" and "Brooke," at an upscale restaurant that we would not ordinarily frequent. We decided to join them and had a lovely, if extremely expensive, dinner.

When the check came, Johnny took several gift cards out of his pocket and applied them to their half of the bill. (They covered the majority of it.)

We had no idea that this was the reason Johnny and Brooke wanted to eat there and were shocked that they had not said something earlier. We might have declined.

Of course, we paid our portion of the bill, but when we discussed it later, we both felt that we had been duped. Had the tables been turned, we would have applied the gift cards to the entire bill. Were we duped, and were they cheap? -- AM I STUPID IN POMONA, N.Y.?

DEAR AM I: If you went to the restaurant under the impression that you were being treated to dinner, then you were duped. If you went there planning to split the check -- as many couples do -- then you would have paid for your half of the bill anyway. Whether the money they applied to their half was earned or gifted should not be your concern.

As to whether they were "cheap" -- well, they could have been more generous. But they were under no obligation to be.

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DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Furious in Vancouver, Wash." (5/30), about adults-only weddings, was right on.

My brother is being married in two weeks. We were informed, via e-mail, that children were not invited. The note said that baby-sitting was being arranged, but that each couple would be responsible for the baby-sitting fee.

My wife and I are upset about it, because we have an adopted 16-year-old and an 8-year-old who will be in the wedding party as the ring bearer. We also have a newborn, but because baby sitters are being arranged we didn't have a problem leaving him with them.

As you suggested, I called my brother to ask about it. They relented, and now the plan is for no children under 7. This will result in excluding only two children from the guest list.

In the end, it was better for me to talk to my brother first than to go off half-cocked and create a potentially ugly situation for what should be one of the happiest events in my brother's life. -- MIKE IN INDIANA

DEAR MIKE: Readers from both sides of the aisle wrote to agree that the writer was being unreasonable and that she should attend her brother's wedding -- with or without her husband. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Furious" made ME furious. She implied that her brother should not allow his son at the wedding because "if no kids are allowed, then there should be no exceptions." She must be joking! Not to allow his own son at his wedding is much different than not allowing a couple of nephews. There are many reasons why her brother and soon-to-be wife might have reached their decision. She should grant her brother's wish and stop complaining that her young children -- who would be bored anyway -- can't attend. She should make it a date night out with her hubby and enjoy herself! -- FURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: The woman whose children were not invited to her brother's small wedding needs to check an etiquette book. It is the privilege of the host/hostess to determine the guest list, and not for the guests to question. It is also rude for guests to ask to invite extra guests, or to bring them anyway, especially to a small wedding.

-- ETIQUETTE MAVEN, FORT WORTH, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: As a wedding singer and tour guide for a historic home that hosts weddings, I'm appalled at the behavior of children at weddings. I am even more disgusted at the lack of parental control I have seen exercised. By the way, I have four children of my own whom I love, but I don't take them to weddings. -- BIG BROWN SINGING TOUR GUIDE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: Sorry, I must disagree with you on this one. It's the brother who has done something he'll regret. The sister is reacting to his disrespect for her family.

My wife and children are my world, and other family members are simply satellites around that world. If they refuse to recognize my world, then to me, they're just insignificant comets flying through my universe. -- DOUG IN BLANCHARD, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: Not every occasion is designed to give parents the opportunity to parade their kids around like show dogs. Sure, your kids are sweet and adorable in their parents' eyes, but not everyone shares that opinion. Deal with it! The wedding couple has the final say on who is invited to their wedding. Either hire a baby sitter or stay home. The choice is yours. -- CHILD-FREE IN TENNESSEE

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