DEAR ABBY: A man I know is engaged to a woman 20 years younger. I think she's a gold digger, and here's why: She waved his credit card around after he gave it to her saying, "Look what I've got!" (He was not present.)

After he bought her a million-dollar house, she told her kids that they have to "act rich" now, and after he bought her a new car, she drove it -- slowly -- around her ex-husband's neighborhood so everyone could see it. She was unfaithful to her ex several times with wealthy men, and has told her friends that if they want to meet men with money, they should go to the expensive golf courses.

She complains to her kids about her fiance behind his back, but tells them they need to "treat him nice" and "act happy" around him because he has given them lots of money. And as soon as she got her diamond ring, her kids started telling people that she gets all his money when he dies.

I have seen a list of warning signs of an abuser in your column. Do you have one for spotting a gold digger? -- SEES RED FLAGS IN UTAH

DEAR SEES RED: Webster's New World Dictionary defines "gold digger" as "a woman who in her personal relations with men tries to get money and gifts from them." I feel sorry for that woman's fiance because sooner or later he is going to find out how off-kilter her values are.

While I haven't printed a list of red flags for a gold digger (aka manipulator), some phrases to watch out for are, "If you really loved me, you'd ( )" or, "Prove you love me by giving me ( )."

One more thing: Gold diggers are never satisfied. They are bottomless pits that can never be filled. Regardless how many material things they are given, they want more.

DEAR ABBY: Our 16-year-old daughter, "Nola," is pregnant. My husband and I are, to say the least, very disappointed in her. We do not believe in abortion, so we're going to have Nola home-schooled until the baby is born, and then it will be given up for adoption.

What I need is advice on how to deal with this with our 10-year-old daughter. There is no way the pregnancy can be hidden from her, especially since the girls share a room. Our youngest daughter knows the basic facts of life, but does not fully understand that girls who are not married sometimes get pregnant and have babies.

I obviously do not want the same thing to happen to her, so I want her to understand that this is very wrong, but want to do so without demonizing her sister, whom she loves and looks up to. -- WORRIED OUT WEST

DEAR WORRIED: Your younger daughter will learn a great deal as Nola's pregnancy progresses. She will see your disappointment, hear your disapproval of sex outside of marriage -- not to mention how irresponsible Nola and the father of the baby were for not using birth control -- and witness firsthand the pain Nola experiences at placing her child with another family. And if that's not a sobering object lesson, nothing will be.

So worry less, and spend more time letting both of your daughters know you love them unconditionally.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column most of my adult life, but I don't ever remember seeing any letters from people who are just afraid of life.

The world today is such a scary place. I have a small child who will have to grow up in this world, and sometimes the thought terrifies me. I hear about school shootings, dangerous gangs, religious leaders who are sex offenders, and I recently watched a report of six teenage girls beating another and videotaping it to post online.

How can parents feel safe raising our kids in a world this crazy and scary? I am trying to look for the positive in life, but, honestly, it gets harder and harder. -- MISSING THE OLD DAYS IN ARIZONA CITY

DEAR MISSING THE OLD DAYS: I agree, bad things do sometimes happen to good people. However, you can't live your life as though the Hammer of Thor is about to strike you down, and if you maintain your fearful attitude, you could pass it along to your child.

While I can't guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to you or anyone else, please allow me to remind you that the news media earn their income from magnifying the tragic, the scary and anything that deviates from the norm -- whether it be a murder, a car wreck or a five-legged cow.

The time has come for you to turn off your television set, tune out talk radio, and take your child to a park, a playground, a zoo or any family outing. It's a sure way to detoxify yourself from the negativity that has poisoned your outlook. Do it for two weeks, and I can almost guarantee you'll feel better than you do today.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I eat at a self-serve restaurant several times a week. We have gotten to know the owners, the employees and several other regulars we enjoy visiting with. We also enjoy having time alone to sit and chat by ourselves.

A cousin of my husband's has discovered that we frequent this restaurant every Saturday night. He shows up and sits right down at our table, even if we are with other people. We want to let him know this can't continue, but we don't want to be rude -- although we feel he is being rude to us. How can we put an end to this? -- INVADED IN GRAND RAPIDS

DEAR INVADED: I have two suggestions. The first is to summon the courage to tell this cousin that you go to that restaurant to relax, be alone together, and sometimes visit privately with people you have met there -- and that his sitting down without being invited is making you uncomfortable.

The second is to choose some other restaurants to visit on alternate Saturday nights, so you won't be sitting ducks whenever your husband's cousin is in the mood for company.

DEAR ABBY: Two friends of mine are being married. Their wedding will be a potluck. I have never heard of such a thing, and I'm wondering if this means I shouldn't bring a gift.

On top of bringing food, they have also assigned people to various tasks, such as setting up the hall, doing dishes, serving the cake and such. What does a wedding guest do in a situation like this? -- NOT SURE IF I DO

DEAR NOT SURE: It appears this affair is one in which an unusual amount of effort is expected of the "guests." Unless you are prepared to participate fully -- and that includes giving them a small wedding gift -- stay home and watch a rerun of "Father of the Bride."

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DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law -- I'll call her "Irene" -- refers to our 3-year-old daughter, "Amber," as "sexy." When she buys clothing for Amber, she will say, "This is sexy." When Amber was younger and would pull up her dress in play, Irene would say, "Are you trying to be sexy?" Luckily, when it has happened, Amber either didn't hear or remember her comments.

I'm afraid if we don't put a stop to it, Irene will continue saying these things. Maybe she thinks it's cute, but I would like to keep my little girl innocent as long as I can. My husband agrees with me, but he's afraid of offending his mother. Why would a grandmother call her young granddaughter "sexy"? Please advise. -- AMBER'S MOMMY IN CLEVELAND

DEAR MOMMY: Your mother-in-law may have a limited vocabulary, or she may be projecting her adult feelings onto Amber -- not realizing that children her granddaughter's age do not experience sexual feelings the way adults do.

Whatever Irene's reasoning, I agree that her comments are inappropriate, and she should be told to cut them out. With marketing, advertising and media the way they are today, your little girl will be bombarded with promotional messages in which sex is a sales tool before she hits kindergarten. She doesn't need to be sexually objectified by her grandmother, too.

DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated in Colorado" (March 1) complained about people attempting to send faxes on her phone line. She should be thankful for a stable, busy job in a thriving business.

Most fax machines today scan documents into memory and put them into an automated "queue" -- the same one that usually tries to transmit three times. I handle it by simply hitting the "transfer" button on my phone, so the call is routed to my fax line. Then I move on to other tasks. If you pass this on to her, it will relieve her frustration.

Tell her I said to "smile, have a nice day, and remember the words of Sgt. Joe Friday: 'It's just the fax, ma'am.'" -- LARRY FROM MARLTON, N.J.

DEAR LARRY: Thank you for the technical advice.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl. My boyfriend and I are planning for a future together. We are seriously discussing marriage.

My problem is, when I was 14, my older brother molested me. I eventually found the courage to tell my parents. They confronted him, he apologized, and we all got on with our lives. We haven't spoken about it since.

Should I tell my boyfriend about this? It has affected my life. I have trouble trusting people, and I feel this is something he needs to know. However, my brother and I get along well now. I don't want my boyfriend wanting to hurt my brother every time we have a family function. What should I do? -- TROUBLED IN AUSTRALIA

DEAR TROUBLED: Although your brother has apologized and the subject hasn't been spoken about since, it has affected the way you perceive others. And the behavior your brother displayed when he molested you shows that -- at least at that time in his life -- he had a lack of empathy for the feelings of others, namely you.

You could benefit greatly by discussing what happened with a counselor who has expertise in sexual assault, and frankly, so could your brother. However, I see no reason to discuss what happened with your boyfriend until you become formally engaged, particularly because he might react in a volatile manner.

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