DEAR ABBY: My ex and I have been dating since our divorce in 2000, trying to put things back together. But every six months or so, he comes to my house drunk and raises Cain in front of the kids.

He never says he's sorry for anything he does or says, and it causes fights that could be avoided if he just would not drink. If he could only see how it makes him act! He does not drink all the time. But when he does, he passes out on my couch.

I have told him time and time again not to come to the house if he has been drinking. If I try to make him leave, he does more in front of the kids, and he has been known to hit. How can I make it clear to him I have had enough? I love him, but I'm very tired of this every-six-months thing. I have called the law before. That just makes matters worse.

Should I get away from him altogether? I want my family back together so badly. I have prayed about this for a long time. I have tried talking to him –- nothing works. Please give me some advice. -– "TINA" IN TRINITY, ALA.

DEAR "TINA": Perhaps it's time to face the fact that as much as your ex-husband says he loves you and the children, he loves his bottle more. You divorced him for a reason, and he isn't going to change. If he shows up at your house after he has been drinking, do not open the door. If he creates a disturbance, call the police and let them handle him.

When a parent acts out the way your husband does when he gets loaded, it damages the children who are exposed to it. They never know when the father they love -– and presumably trust -– will turn into a monster, and they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even worse, they may grow up thinking his behavior is normal or acceptable and marry someone just like Daddy.

Much as you might like, you cannot rescue your ex-husband from his alcohol addiction. Some literature that might give you insight is a booklet published by Al-Anon titled, "Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2009." It is available online in English, Spanish and French, and can be downloaded at www.Al-AnonFamilyGroups.net. For a free printed copy, e-mail wso(at)al-anon.org, fax (757) 563-1655, or write: Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA 23454-5617.

DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old sister is soon to be married for the first time and has planned an elaborate affair. She has many friends, business associates and family members to invite. Because of the expense, she is not inviting the "younger" generation.

When I called to respond to her invitation, I explained that I will be attending, but my wife –- due to health issues -– will not be able to come. I told her I would like to substitute our only teenage daughter. My sister's response? She told me she has so many people to invite that she has a waiting list, and she'll substitute someone from that list!

This seems rude to me. Have you ever heard of a waiting list? –- MIFFED IN SAN JOSE

DEAR MIFFED: As a matter of fact, I have. It's sometimes called a "B" list. When a wedding invitation is issued, the rules of etiquette dictate that only those people whose names are on the invitation are invited. While I understand your desire to take your daughter, you committed a breach of etiquette in asking to make a substitution. Because your sister had decided not to include the younger generation, your daughter's presence could cause problems for her with other members of the family.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. We split all the bills -- rent, utilities, etc. -- in half.

A few nights ago I asked him how he felt about paying for half my birth control pills, which amounts to $40 a month. Because neither of us is ready for children, I think we should share the expense.

Am I out of line to ask my boyfriend to split the cost with me? This has become a hot topic at work. The guys don't agree with me, and surprisingly, most of the women don't, either. What is your take on this? -- ALL IN LOVE IS FAIR

DEAR ALL: As I see it, there are two kinds of expenses when people share a dwelling: joint expenses and those that are personal. Prescription drugs usually fall into the latter category. Unless you are prepared to pay half the cost of his prescription drugs -- including Viagra --- my advice is to back down on this one.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my best friend, "Wendy," turned 40, she has gone bonkers. Don't get me wrong, some of the craziness is good. We're both starting to lose weight. Wendy also went back to school and seemed to be happy with husband No. 3.

What has me concerned is that Wendy appears to have developed an eating disorder because she's so determined to be the same size as her 21-year-old daughter. She has also become obsessed with an 18-year-old boy, which could end her marriage.

I love Wendy, but when I try to talk to her, she calls me "judgmental" and "holier than thou." Is there anything I can do to help my friend? -- MIDLIFE CRISIS

DEAR M.C.: You may love Wendy, but unless the woman is willing to face up to the fact that she has a problem, there is nothing anyone can do to "help" her. She may be terrified of growing old, not as happy as you thought with husband No. 3, or competing with her daughter. Be supportive, and recommend that she make an appointment with her doctor or a psychologist when the time comes. But until she's ready to listen, she will continue to tune you out.

P.S. I don't know what happened to her first two marriages, but it appears Wendy may be someone who is unable to learn from past mistakes.

DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old daughter was driving on a busy street when she noticed an older gentleman in running shorts lying on the median. She stopped, turned on her hazard lights and went to help. He was unresponsive, but breathing.

When she called 911, she was told that more than 100 motorists had reported a "dead man" on the street, but no one had stopped to check on him. Police, an ambulance and a fire truck arrived shortly after her call.

Abby, at what point do we become invisible? When do we cease to be important? Would it have been different if that person had been a child or someone in his 30s? Have we lost our humanity? -- DISAPPOINTED IN TAMPA

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I doubt whether the situation would have been different if the man had been in his 30s rather than a senior. If a child had been lying there ... maybe.

The passing motorists may have thought they had "done their duty" by calling 911 and were afraid to do more because they didn't know what else to do. Have we lost our humanity? Some people may have, but your daughter isn't one of them. Orchids to her, and to you, for having raised such a caring -- and proactive -- individual.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a nurse, writing in response to the letter from "Flabbergasted Parents in New Mexico" (July 19). I have worked in small community hospitals and in the emergency rooms of trauma centers in larger cities. Over the years, I have seen many young ladies in their early 20s come into the ER with abdominal pain. When asked if there is a "possibility" that they could be pregnant, they say no. Even after a pelvic exam, when they are being taken up to labor and delivery, they deny they are having a baby.

This is like a pseudo-pregnancy, where the person thinks she is pregnant and has all the symptoms but isn't, in REVERSE. In their minds, these ladies feel that the possibility of pregnancy is not an option -- so mind-over-matter takes over.

"Taryn," the girl in the letter, was probably not lying. She just could not face the truth until her baby actually came. Our bodies are amazing vehicles when you think about it. -- TRISHA IN NORTH BALTIMORE, OHIO

DEAR TRISHA: And so are our minds, apparently. I have a stack of mail on my desk verifying the fact that it's not unheard of for a woman to carry a baby well into pregnancy -- and even to term -- without knowing she's pregnant. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As an RN, I have seen this happen several times. Most interesting was a middle-aged mother of two teenagers. Because both had been delivered by scheduled C-section, she had never experienced labor pains.

She had always been "chubby" and had been premenopausal with irregular periods for some time. She thought she had finally entered menopause and that the strange sensations she had been experiencing for the past few months were just "gas." Now she was truly scared, thinking the pain she was experiencing meant something was dreadfully wrong.

She and her husband were shocked at the diagnosis -- a full-term pregnancy in active labor! Needless to say, she was taken to surgery for another C-section. -- RN IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: In late November of 1964, I went to my M.D. with a horrible backache. I'd had my periods all along and no abdominal discomfort. After examining me, he congratulated me on my near-term pregnancy!

Needless to say, I was caught off guard and questioned the diagnosis. My daughter was born two months later. You could call it the shortest pregnancy ever.

By the way, I'm a nurse and have seen this happen more than once. -- SHERRY IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: I had my period the whole nine months. I only learned I was pregnant at seven months because I passed out. I also know of an OB nurse who didn't know she was pregnant until she delivered. (Boy, was SHE surprised!)

If the girl in that letter got pregnant because of rape or sexual abuse, she may have blocked the memory of it happening. As for not knowing what was happening during and after delivery -- if she had blocked out the traumatic event, then she may have blocked out the birth process as well. -- FUTURE COUNSELOR IN SPRINGFIELD, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I worked for a school of medicine in the Southwest for seven years, and I was amazed at the number of women who had no idea they were pregnant or how it had happened. Sadly, there are still groups of people out there who don't discuss sex, and the consequences of unprotected sex, with their children. Unlikely as it seems, that poor girl may have been telling the truth when she said she "didn't know what was going on." Hopefully, she will now become better educated about such things. -- CONNIE IN COLORADO

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