DEAR ABBY: My son says I scold him so often it has given him a complex. He constantly loses things -- coats, lunch boxes, expensive toys, games -- and damages property such as computers, my furniture, etc. He doesn't do it on purpose. It "just happens" (I think) because he is clumsy and heavy-handed, sort of a bull in a china shop.

He often bumps into people -- including me -- and never says "Excuse me," or even appears to notice. At first I would speak to him about these incidents and make him apologize, but after a while I lost my patience and started getting angry. His behavior has continued through high school.

My son is now 19 and still living at home, and these things are still happening. What am I supposed to do? Sit back and say nothing? This morning we were getting into the car to go to work, and he swung his lunch bag around and hit me in the head with it. It contained cans of soda, and it hurt. When no reaction or apology was forthcoming, I said, "You hit me in the head with your lunch bag," and he went off again about always being a failure and everyone always finding fault with him. -- FRUSTRATED MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED MOM: It may seem a little late to suggest this, but have you ever had your son evaluated for a psychological or neurological disorder? There may be a reason for his constantly losing things. As to his clumsiness, has his vision -- specifically his depth perception -- been checked by an eye-care specialist? Yes, accidents happen, but when they happen repeatedly, there may be an explanation for it other than klutziness or forgetfulness.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a man my family and friends, and I, all thought was the perfect man/husband for me -- or anyone, for that matter. We have been married less than two months, and I have undeniable proof that he is married to another woman in another state.

We received gifts from two showers -- one given by some friends and another given by my co-workers. Should I give them back? I want to do the right thing. There are about 20 gifts and a small gift certificate.

So far, people who know my situation say I should keep them, but are they just being polite? -- EMBARRASSED AND HEARTBROKEN IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR EMBARRASSED AND HEARTBROKEN: If they have not been used, the gifts should be offered to the people who gave them to you. However, if you have already done this and were told you should keep them, then that's what you should do. The gifts are yours to keep or dispose of as you wish, if you would prefer not to have hurtful reminders around.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 54 years. She is now 90 and I am 87, although we could both pass for 70. We have made love about once a week since the day we were married -- yes, about 2,800 times. Is there any correlation between frequency of sex and lack of apparent aging? -- FEELS LIKE A KID IN ARIZONA

DEAR KID: From everything I have read, regular cardiovascular exercise, lack of stress and a happy marriage contribute to a couple's health and well-being. Because a healthy sex life falls into all three categories, I think you're onto something.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Giselle," is scheduled to have serious surgery soon, and she has forbidden us to come to the hospital. She wants only her husband to be there.

She has gone so far as to call us and make me promise that we will not come. She says we need to respect that she is a grown woman in her late 40s, and this is her decision and her way of dealing with the situation.

Giselle lives two hours from us, and she said she will let us know when we can visit for a few days. Her husband will contact us as soon as the doctor talks to him after surgery. But Giselle says that she simply "does not want to be surrounded by family."

I feel like we are being treated like family pets -- come when you're called; otherwise, stay out of the way. Up to this point we had a close relationship with her. We cannot understand her attitude. What do you think, Abby? -– BAFFLED IN NEW YORK

DEAR BAFFLED: This isn't about you or the family pet. It is about your adult daughter facing what might be a life-threatening or life-changing operation and what will make her most comfortable. I know you love your daughter, and I'm sure it is reciprocated. But I think it is imperative that you abide by her wishes and not impose your own on her at this time.

DEAR ABBY: When taking public transportation and you are seated on the aisle, is it customary and polite to get up so that someone can sit down near the window, or is it OK to just swivel to the side and let them "squeeze in"? -- SEAT SITTER IN DALY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR SEAT SITTER: It is better manners –- and sometimes the better part of wisdom -- to stand and allow the person to be seated.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago I received such a thoughtful Christmas gift from my daughter-in-law that I can't resist telling you about it. First, she sent a card instructing me to open my gifts according to the month written on the package -- so the giving would continue all year long.

For January, she gave me a calendar. For February, a heart-shaped pin; for March, a leprechaun figurine; for April, a bag of candy Easter eggs. A kitchen utensil holder with "Mom" on it was her gift for May; for June she gave me sunglasses; Fourth of July candles were the July surprise; my birthday gift in August was a candy dish. September is Grandparents' Month, so she gave me a grandmother plaque.

Her October gift was a small jack-o'-lantern to hang up in my window. November was a decorative wall hanging, trimmed with nuts and berries. And in December, there were two housedresses.

Abby, I loved the series of gifts. They reflected affection, ingenuity and generosity -- qualities my daughter-in-law has in abundance. Sign me ... A VERY HAPPY MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: It's clear from your letter that you and your daughter-in-law have a special relationship, and it's a credit to both of you. "Gifts that keep on giving" -- meaning gifts that continue throughout the year -- are an excellent idea. That's why magazine subscriptions, boxes of fruit and monthly arrangements of flowers are so popular. However, your daughter-in-law's gift was tailored just for you -- a very clever concept.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Jasmine," has been seeing a therapist to deal with serious depression and anxiety issues, and I think she has done well for the most part.

I am just upset that she has taken to smoking with her co-workers to deal with stress. I don't like smoking. My mother smokes, and I find it disgusting.

I hate saying these things to Jasmine because when I do, she takes it personally. We have discussed this more than once, and she insists that my asking her to stop is "being controlling." I can't know what stress she is experiencing because of her emotional problems, but I do know that smoking isn't the solution.

I love Jasmine with all my heart, and it's devastating to me to say this, but I can't be with a smoker. Our relationship has been great, but I do not choose to spend my life in a haze of tobacco smoke. I am in college and every day I see kids my age outside freezing their butts off for a smoke because it isn't allowed inside.

Please help me, Abby. This is something I can't compromise on. It's enough that I already have one person close to me who smokes -- I don't need another. – ANTI-SMOKER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANTI-SMOKER: The fellow students you see freezing their butts off for a smoke aren't doing it because they like it. They are freezing their butts off because they're addicted to nicotine, need their fix and are willing to get it in sub-zero weather if they must.

People who reach for a cigarette when they are feeling stressed regard the cigarette as a "friend" they can hold onto. What they don't realize is the cigarette is holding onto THEM -- and occasional smokers become dependent not only on the ritual but also the "drug."

You have a hard choice to make, and so does Jasmine. Perhaps it will be easier if Jasmine does the choosing. Tell her that if you smell tobacco on her hair, skin, breath or clothing, you won't kiss her. If she hasn't quit smoking within 30 days, you'll have your answer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, kids and I fly to the West Coast once a year for either summer vacation or the holidays. As soon as we arrive, my in-laws take me -- "the wife" -- to the grocery store to shop for food and expect me to pay half the bill.

Abby, my in-laws are not hurting for money, and I have never understood this bizarre custom. I don't appreciate getting off a long plane flight to go grocery shopping and incur yet another expense after paying for air travel, etc. I wouldn't dream of doing it to them. Everything is always taken care of before they come to visit us.

Would you consider this poor hospitality on their part, or a difference in cultures -- East Coast formal versus West Coast casual? I am trying to let it go, but it is getting old. -- DREADING NEXT TIME, HAMPTON, VA.

DEAR DREADING: What you have described is not a difference in cultures. Your in-laws may not be hurting for money, but they may be on a budget. Because being taken to the grocery store and asked to pay for half the groceries bothers you, on your next visit have them take their son along so he can have the pleasure. You can't change his parents, so don't let it ruin your visit.