DEAR ABBY: I work as an administrative assistant for a company in Louisville. Each year we invite several "high-level" customers to attend the Kentucky Derby. We spare no expense on this event, paying for hotels, track tickets, food, drinks, limos, etc. for three full days.

Last year, my boss told me he was "disappointed" that I had not thought of sending thank-you notes to our guests after the event. He felt we should thank them for taking time away from their personal lives to visit us.

I say that after three days of running myself silly behind the scenes, the thank-you notes should come from them. Your opinion, please. -- WHO THANKS WHO IN KENTUCKY

DEAR WHO THANKS WHO: I understand your frustration because no one wants to be taken for granted, but you are confusing business etiquette with social etiquette. Your boss isn't entertaining those people because he likes them. He is doing it so they will return the favor by doing business with his company.

So please do what he says and start writing. A form letter, individually prepared for each client, should do the trick. Each one should be a signed original expressing the sentiments your boss would like to have conveyed.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Mary" for 18 months, and I was really starting to fall for her. Things were going well until three weeks ago, when she informed me that she has a serious gambling problem. She has maxed out her credit cards and has no money left in her savings. Until this point, Mary had given me the impression that she was someone I could trust and that she was in control of her life.

I am in total shock and very upset about the fact that she has misrepresented herself to me. She said she didn't want to lose me. She says that even though we're not married, every relationship has its ups and downs, and a piece of paper should not define commitment.

Some of my friends say I should never see her again as she is manipulative. Others say continuing the relationship depends on how I feel about her. While I can forgive her, I am having a problem with the issue of trust.

Abby, given the circumstances, do you feel this is someone I can trust? My gut tells me buyer beware. -- ON THE FENCE IN NEVADA

DEAR ON THE FENCE: Has Mary made any effort to seek help for her gambling problem? If the answer is no -- and I suspect it is -- then listen to your gut. Listen to your head. And if you have any doubt that they're leading you in the right direction, listen to what your lawyer and accountant have to say about the risk of pursuing this relationship further.

DEAR ABBY: Many friends approach me for advice. I want to help them. It's in my nature to be helpful. However, there are times when I'm out of advice and just want to close the door. How can I continue to help, but also close the door without putting someone off? -- ADVISER IN INDIANA

DEAR ADVISER: Recognize that a fountain of advice must occasionally shut down for servicing and preventive maintenance. In your case, what you're trying to prevent is burnout. A friend will understand if you say, "I'd love to help, but I'm fresh out of ideas today -- let's talk about something else."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Lately when I'm upset about something, I have been snapping my wrists with rubber bands. It seemed harmless at first, better than cutting, right? But I have noticed that now I have red lines that never go away and the welts take longer to disappear, and I'm constantly having to cover them up.

I'm 15 and I'm worried that I can't stop doing it. I'm not even sure why I do it, but I'm actually more scared to stop than I am to continue. I'm embarrassed and ashamed, and I don't want to hurt my family. I know they'd be upset if they found out. I don't want to ask for help, but also, I don't want to stop. Please help me. -- MESSED UP IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MESSED UP: The first step in resolving a problem is recognizing you have one and that you need help. You have done that. I have heard from other young people that they're embarrassed, ashamed or scared to tell their parents they have a problem because they're afraid their parents will become upset or angry. This is wrong. Parents may react -- but only out of concern.

Snapping a rubber band is a technique some people use to stop a bad habit -- like smoking. You, however, appear to be using it as a way of not dealing with your emotions. The marks on your wrists may be caused because the rubber bands are so tight they are cutting off your circulation.

There is a reason you are trying to distract yourself with pain, and it's important that you find out what it is so your behavior doesn't escalate. A licensed mental health professional can help you quickly get to the root of your problem, and telling your parents what's going on is the fastest way to get that help. Please don't put it off any longer.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small public library. We love helping our patrons and receiving donations of books. However, there are a few things we'd like folks to keep in mind:

1. If the sign says "Closed," we are closed. The door may be unlocked to allow staff easy entrance, but we are not open for business.

2. We are not baby sitters. We are glad to see you and your children, and to get you started on research, but you must watch your kids and keep them under control.

3. We can accept books that are in good condition only. If the volume has been rotting in your basement or has been extensively written in, please throw it out. We cannot place defaced literature in our collection.

4. Any book checked out on your card is your responsibility. If you let your kids use your card and they return a book late, understand that you are the person liable for the fine.

5. Please leave your cell phone in the car or turn it off while using the library. Ringing phones and personal conversations are disruptive and distract the other patrons.

Thank you for helping us get the word out. -- LIBRARY LADY, ANYTOWN, U.S.A.

DEAR LIBRARY LADY: You're welcome. However, on the chance that your patrons miss reading today's column, your business hours should be clearly posted at the entrance of your building. And the rest of your rules should be printed in large block letters and hung behind the information and checkout desks where no one can miss them.

DEAR ABBY: I have just found out that my younger brother has been placed in foster care because he was abused in my mother's home. My family and I have been discussing who will take care of him, and everyone is saying it should be me because I am the only one of my siblings who has a job and my own apartment. I love my little brother with all my heart, but I don't feel all the responsibility should be placed on my shoulders.

I live in a two-bedroom apartment with my two children. My son is disabled. Yes, I do have a job, but I earn a low hourly wage and I'm on a tight budget. I am also concerned that my brother will need counseling to help him get over what he has been through.

When I explain my concerns to my family, they get angry and say I'm being selfish, and to be honest, I am feeling very guilty. Please help me because I have no idea what to do. -- CRYING AT NIGHT IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR CRYING: Dry those tears and do not allow yourself to be manipulated into something you can't handle. As a single mother, you already have your hands full caring for two children -- one of whom has special needs.

Your family is wrong to expect you to shoulder this additional challenge alone. Because none of them is offering to help you, and your brother was abused in the care of the family, accept that he may be better off in a supportive foster-care environment.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I moved into our new home, one of the neighbor kids, "Rachael" (age 9), took a liking to me. She came over with her mom, introduced herself and asked for my phone number. I thought nothing of it. But as time has passed, she has been calling more and more to invite me over. Abby, I'm almost 30!

It has reached the point where we no longer answer our phone. Rachael also shows up at our door with her friends and wants to "hang out." Sometimes she just stands there and doesn't say anything. It's awkward because I have never been wild about kids.

The girl is also constantly in our yard, playing with our dog (even though she has pets of her own), using our outdoor furniture, etc. I thought her mom would discourage it -- but one day she actually left Rachael with me when she went out on a Saturday night.

Rachael has a response to all my excuses about why I can't see her. When I get home from work, she and several other young kids are playing in my driveway as I pull in. I have told her no one is allowed in our yard without our permission.

We are a young, happy couple with a lot of work to do on our house. We have a large yard to maintain and, frankly, I don't want to be the neighborhood baby sitter. How can I get this point across? -- STUCK IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR STUCK: You are addressing your comments to the wrong person. You should take this up with Rachael's mother. You do not have to make "excuses." There are valid reasons Rachael and her friends should not be on your property unless they are supervised. If she or one of the others should somehow injure themselves, you could be held legally responsible. If there are no restrictions on fences in your neighborhood, consider fencing your yard.

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