DEAR ABBY: I'm in a bit of a predicament because I lent my maternity clothes to a friend who is due in late December. Her husband lost his job.

I just found out that I am expecting and I am due in late April, and I have no idea how to ask for my clothes back without offending her or telling her I'm pregnant. (My husband and I aren't telling anyone yet.) I don't think I should wait until I start showing -- which could be soon, based on previous pregnancies -- because she really needs them and I know I'd be leaving her with very little notice that she needs to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Any help would be greatly appreciated. -- IN A BIND IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN A BIND: Swear your friend to secrecy and explain that you're pregnant, too. Then, rather than take all your clothes back, take some -- and fill in your maternity wardrobe by buying yourself some new items. You have the income in your household to do it. Right now, she's "stuck" -- so be a generous friend and don't leave her naked.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, who is in her 80s, was always an amazing hostess. She is excited and eager to help with the upcoming wedding of a grandchild. Detailed tasks now cause her anxiety, which results in serious physical symptoms.

We suggested that she could help by writing a journal about what she has learned in her own long marriage. She's an excellent writer, but she wasn't interested in the idea.

Can you or your readers suggest any other ways a parent can help -- something with low anxiety but that feels meaningful? -- BRIDE'S MOM IN VIRGINIA

DEAR BRIDE'S MOM: Your mother-in-law could donate an item that would fall into the "something borrowed" or "something blue" category. She might also present her granddaughter with a collection of family recipes.

But if neither of these ideas interest her, and she has her heart set on entertaining, then why not have her co-host a shower or luncheon, which would take much of the pressure of planning the event off her shoulders? Readers?

DEAR ABBY: I have been married 14 years and have four beautiful children. I want to return to nursing school and have for quite a while. I have been accepted to college, but my husband says he wants me to wait until our kids are out of school. Our youngest is only in the fourth grade.

I sometimes feel my husband doesn't want me to better myself. We have had a rocky relationship. He cheated on me three years ago and since then, my feelings are no longer the same for him.

Do you think I am being selfish for wanting to go to school? This is something I would like to do without feeling guilty. Please help. -- CONFUSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFUSED: Listen to your intuition. If it's telling you you may need to prepare to be independent and provide for yourself and your children, then that's what you need to do, and don't feel guilty about it. This may have something to do with the fact that your relationship with your husband has changed since you learned he was unfaithful. If your marriage improves -- fabulous. But if it doesn't, you won't be left without a marketable skill -- so go for it.

DEAR ABBY: Before my son deployed to Afghanistan two months ago, his grandma, aunts and cousins all promised to send cards, letters and care packages.

So far, not one of them has stepped up to the plate. I am so frustrated I felt like crying as I was preparing a care package with his favorite cookies.

Abby, why do people make promises they can't keep? -- BROKENHEARTED MILITARY MOM

DEAR MILITARY MOM: The promises are often made with the best intentions -- and then the promiser becomes distracted, diverted, forgetful. In most cases, no one means to be hurtful.

Because these forgetful folks are family members, my advice is to remind them of what a morale booster it would be for your son to hear from them. Suggest items he might need, and offer to send them along with YOUR next care package.

DEAR ABBY: My co-worker has the same last name as a deceased porn star. We work in customer service together, and she gets many suggestive comments and laughs from our male customers. She would like to respond with a witty comeback without being offensive or jeopardizing her job. Any suggestions? -- FRIEND OF LOVELACE

DEAR FRIEND: While it may be tempting for your co-worker to respond with a witty comeback, she should play it smart and resist the urge to acknowledge her male customers' attempts at humor. Once she starts "getting cute," it will only encourage more of the same.

DEAR ABBY: I am a directory assistance operator who would like to pass on some advice to our callers:

We do NOT know your Aunt Martha who lives behind the Kmart store, and we no longer sit in the back room at a switchboard at the local drugstore. We may not even be located in the state you are calling.

When you dial directory assistance, please be prepared to provide the city, state and the first and last names of the person whose number you need, or the complete name of the business. A street name helps for common names.

Please have your pencil and paper ready to write down the number. We cannot wait five minutes while you hunt through drawers or glove compartments, or worse, put the phone down to look in another room. Our contract with your phone company usually requires that we finish each call within a short time, and we can lose that contract if we cannot comply.

And please, do not swear at us or call us names if we are unable to help you. Our information is only as good as what's provided by your local carrier to our database. We really do try our best to help you.

Thanks, Abby, for helping spread this message on behalf of thousands of hardworking operators. -- SMILING INTO THE SPEAKER

DEAR SMILING: I'm pleased to pass along your commonsense suggestions. Because so much of the telephone information system has become automated, callers do need to have pencils handy and give clear information when requesting a number. And when someone is lucky enough to actually be connected to a living, breathing, flesh-and-blood human being (yes!), abusing the person is not only unproductive, it could get you disconnected.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Where's the Fun in Upstate New York" (July 26), whose husband, "Hugh," insisted they buy their grandson a $100 savings bond for his first birthday when she wanted to splurge on toys and clothes. I understand her frustration.

Couples should decide together what to do, not tell the other what will be done. That said, I agree with Hugh that $100 to $150 on gifts for a 1-year-old is excessive. The child's room will soon look like an overloaded toy store. I have seen this in our extended family. At Christmas it took 2 1/2 hours to open all the gifts. Egads! We've become a nation of excess, and kids expect it.

Years ago, I approached the parents of our godchildren with the offer of savings bonds on holidays, which they gratefully accepted. Two of the "children" are now in college, and we're pleased we lifted a bit of the burden of the cost they'll face. I know it's not a "fun" gift, especially for the little ones, so we always include a token present for "now." I hope that couple can reach a similar agreement and not let this drive a wedge. -- SENSIBLE IN IOWA

DEAR SENSIBLE: The majority of those who wrote to comment on the letter from "Where's the Fun" were -- like you -- as concerned about the state of the woman's marriage as the gift issue. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's not like you to miss the warning sign of a controlling spouse. If Hugh is truly "wonderful in every way," then they should agree to disagree on this issue.

She should spend what she wants, within reason, on gifts of her choice for their grandson's birthday. If he feels strongly about the savings bond, which is also a wonderful gift, then they should get that, too. Because they are financially comfortable, and this is the only area of disagreement, surely Hugh can compromise.

I am alarmed that he has already decided what they'll be giving the child for every birthday. Grandparents traditionally engage in a mixture of indulgent and practical gift-giving. She was not looking to buy a wildly over-the-top gift. Hugh needs to relax and be a partner, not a dictator. And by the way, "fun" is not a dirty word. It's Baby's first birthday -- lighten up! -- MELISSA IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: Some spouses suffer from "economic abuse" when one partner dominates financial decisions. I agree that a baby won't be impressed by pricey items, but this woman's gift choices are a form of self-expression. She should be allowed the joy of choosing presents and enjoying her grandbaby, especially since she contributes to household finances, but even if she didn't. Sometimes these gifts become treasured keepsakes passed through generations. -- GIVING MY TWO CENTS' WORTH IN ABILENE

DEAR ABBY: While the adults in my life did give me toys and material things for my birthdays and holidays, I am 26 now and I have little recollection of what they were. What I know now is that because of the generous gifts of savings bonds from those loved ones, my fiance and I were able to make a down payment on a beautiful home without being "house poor." Those bonds allowed us to make a major step forward in our lives and be comfortable and secure.

It means the world that the adults who loved me and are no longer with me are part of this house and my new life, even though they could not be at my wedding. -- SARAH IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I decided early on that we'd open a joint bank account and place half of each of our earnings into it. I opened another account in my name only for the other half. That way, if we disagreed on something -- such as a gift -- I could buy it myself. It has worked well.

I do agree that for the child's first birthday, Hugh's idea is best. The child will appreciate it when he's older. -- DEBORAH IN MARIETTA