DEAR ABBY: I'm 32 and a "large girl." I am also intelligent, witty and fun to be around. I make friends wherever I go. The problem is my mother -- who is also big -- keeps telling me that heavy women are not desirable and we must "settle" when it comes to choosing a mate.

My mother has had two long, unhappy marriages. She's always saying I think too highly of myself and my standards for men are out of my reach.

Abby, I would rather remain single than marry someone I'm not happy with just to have a man. I'm not looking for a movie star; I just want to find someone I'm attracted to and who has the same values and ideals that I have.

Is Mother right? Am I setting my sights too high? -- HAPPY BEING ME IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HAPPY BEING YOU: I don't think so. If you want to achieve the same level of satisfaction in your life that your mother has, then follow her roadmap. However, if you want more, then cross your fingers and keep looking.

Meeting "The One" is a matter of putting yourself out there, and luck and timing. There are worse things than being alone, and having two long and unhappy marriages ranks right up there. Just look at your mother.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer. She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she may be going in for more surgery.

I am finding it difficult to show much empathy for my boss. Despite having had the disease she continues to live an unhealthy lifestyle. She still smokes, has a couple of drinks a day and eats a lot of red meat. I don't drink or smoke and I'm a vegetarian, so I can't understand why a person would risk her health by doing these things.

We have received several newsletters at work from our insurance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn't taken any of the advice. Abby, it's not like I have come right out and said, "It's your own fault," but it's frustrating to listen to her problems when she won't try to live a healthy lifestyle. She's generally whiny to begin with, and now she seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.

What do I need to do to be more sympathetic? -- TRYING IN TEMPE

DEAR TRYING: You don't know what caused your boss's cancer and neither do I. Some people who live a healthy lifestyle get cancer anyway -- and that includes teetotalling, nonsmoking vegetarians. Please try to remember that -- and then think about karma. If you do, it may help you become more sympathetic and less judgmental.

DEAR ABBY: I was with a group of friends at a sports bar discussing the baseball playoffs when the owner of the bar made a racist comment about the game. I was so shocked and offended that I said nothing for the rest of the evening.

Later, I told my friends I was disappointed in myself for not speaking up -- that when someone makes a comment like he did and you let it go, you're condoning that type of behavior. My friends said they just "considered the source" and I should not have been offended. How should we have handled this? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN FLORIDA

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: If the comment was offensive, you were right to be offended -- regardless of "the source." The way to punish an ignorant bigot such as you described would be to hit him in the wallet. A way to have done that would have been for all of you to leave and tell him why. And another would be for all of you to spread the word about the incident.

DEAR ABBY: Is there anything wrong with having a lover solely for the purpose of sex? He is grieving for his late wife (my best friend), and I am separated from my husband. We're both lonely and have supported each other through our pain. A few weeks ago we decided to become lovers.

We both have our eyes open, and we don't expect anything out of this except a friendship with benefits. I am satisfying his needs, and he is making me remember the woman I used to be before I was emotionally beaten down by my husband.

I see myself as enjoying the best of both worlds: I'm finding myself again, and I don't have to answer to anyone but me. So, Abby, what do you think? I guess I'm looking for some validation for our selfishness. -- FRIEND WITH BENEFITS

DEAR FRIEND: Selfishness? You are both consenting adults. You can do what you want. Many successful relationships have begun with two people supporting each other through a painful period -- and I don't consider that "selfish" at all.

What I AM having trouble understanding is why you haven't begun divorce proceedings from your emotionally abusive husband. Once that's started, you should have no reason to have any second thoughts at all.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 25 years died last year. How long do I need to maintain ties with his family? Must I still give gifts at Christmas and birthdays to all his siblings, nieces and nephews?

What I need to know is how to ease out of this without offending them. His parents are still alive, and the most I want to do is send a card at Christmas. -- READY TO MOVE ON IN CANADA

DEAR READY TO MOVE ON: No law says that you "have to" maintain a gift-giving relationship with your late husband's relatives. It would be nice, however, to send something to the nieces and nephews -- if only a few dollars and some kind words included in a card.

The message that speaks loudest to me in your letter is the one you did not directly put into words -- that after 25 years of marriage to your husband, you had no meaningful connection with his family. An acceptable way to begin stepping back would be to explain to them that, because of your reduced circumstances, you are no longer able to send the usual gifts and will be sending cards during these holidays.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for all the great advice you have given over the years. I have enjoyed reading your column since I can remember.

When I was in high school nine years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby whom I placed in an open adoption with a great family. I am now in my 20s.

I find that if I mention the adoption, the conversation sometimes becomes awkward. I don't like to mention it with acquaintances because it's something very personal and I am somewhat sensitive about it.

When people ask me if I have children, what would be the appropriate response? -- BIRTH MOTHER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR BIRTH MOTHER: You are under no obligation to give chapter and verse about your personal history to anyone who is only an acquaintance. If you are asked if you have children, just say no because you are not raising any.

DEAR ABBY: Please don't think I'm stupid for asking this, but I need some help. The practice of letter-writing appears to be a dying form because of e-mail and texting -- which I'm good at. But when I receive a nice gift, I know the proper way to acknowledge it is to write a thank-you letter.

Can you please tell me how to do one that doesn't come across as awkward? Christmas is coming and this is hard for me. When I try to get my thoughts down on paper, I am ... STUCK!

DEAR STUCK!: There's no such thing as a "stupid" question, and your problem is one that is shared by many. A thank-you letter doesn't have to be long and flowery. In fact, short and to-the-point can be more effective.

I have found that keeping a notepad handy when I open a gift and jotting down the first thought that comes into my head when I open the package is helpful. (Hint: Is it soft? Cuddly? Tasty? Something you had wanted but had not been able to find? Clever? If the answer is yes, then write it down.)

And by the way, Christmas isn't the only gift-giving occasion when a thank-you letter is called for. There are also weddings, anniversaries, graduations. My booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions" offers samples that can be adapted and personalized. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Letters Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Also included are tips for writing a love letter -- and those letters that are the hardest of all, letters of condolence. Included are specific suggestions on what to say, and equally important, what NOT to say when someone is grieving the loss of a parent, a child or a spouse whether the death may be sudden or after a lingering illness.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I married two years ago, we both wanted children. I am having second thoughts now. We recently discovered that there's a genetic disorder on one side of the family, and it scares me to think we may not have a healthy child.

To be perfectly honest, even if we could have a healthy child, I am also not sure I want to go through the challenge of parenting a teenager. How should I approach my dear husband about my change of heart? -- SECOND-GUESSING IN N.Y.

DEAR SECOND-GUESSING: Be gentle, but be honest. Rather than say you don't want kids, start by saying you are having serious doubts about whether you would be good parent material. Then tell him why.

This will probably be the first of many discussions you'll have with him on the subject, touching on whether your marriage can withstand your change of heart. Not every woman is meant to be a mother -- and better to recognize that fact before becoming one rather than after. That said, you could also change your mind again. Many women have.