DEAR ABBY: You missed an important clue in the letter from "Must Choose in Maryland" (Nov. 30), who is considering moving to improve her daughter's school life. Abby, the child is only 7. She has been in public school for three years, so the private school where she "flourished" was PRESCHOOL.

Many children encounter problems when school becomes more difficult and grading is involved. Before moving and losing her "great job, wonderful friends and comfortable lifestyle," that mother should try more options.

"Must Choose" should consider having her daughter tested for learning disabilities or physical problems. She needs to work with her daughter's school and teachers, and maybe employ private tutoring or counseling to find methods that improve the way her daughter learns. It's possible that if they move, they will only take their problems with them. -- FORMER PRESCHOOL AND PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER

DEAR TEACHER: I appreciate your offering your insight. Many readers pointed out how important it is for this mother to be proactive during any transition in her child's life. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Most children are successful in school at age 4. Before uprooting her family, "Must Choose" should meet with the school's principal and teachers to determine exactly why her daughter "hates" school.

What criteria, other than her daughter's feelings, is she using as an indicator that the schools are awful? Test data, facilities, community support, teacher qualifications, etc. should be reviewed. Moving won't ensure a successful educational experience for her daughter. Understanding and dealing with what's at the root of the child's failure will. -- CAROL IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: "Must Choose" needs to examine her daughter's situation more carefully. In preschool, children generally learn social skills, with some introduction to letters and numbers. From kindergarten to second grade, classroom instruction in mathematical and reading skills carry expectations of mastery.

Comparing the enthusiasm and success of preschool to grade school achievements is like comparing apples to oranges. Her daughter may be exhibiting signs of learning disabilities much before second grade because children develop at different rates. It is when they begin to learn to read and do mathematical computations that these difficulties are recognized.

I encourage this mother to talk with her daughter's teacher. She may find an ally there who is as invested in her daughter's social and academic success as she is -- and not an enemy. -- JENNI IN WARRENTON, MO.

DEAR ABBY: If "Must Choose" keeps moving, a new group of educators will have to start from scratch to evaluate the issues. As a public school teacher in a diverse district, I often see parents run from the school rather than work to help their children succeed. That mother needs to work with the professional educators in her district to get to the bottom of her child's problems. -- OHIO TEACHER

DEAR ABBY: "Public" education should not automatically translate to "substandard." Good teachers in public or private schools encourage and support students at multiple stages of development.

"Must Choose" should spend time in her daughter's classroom to observe, volunteer and ask questions. If there's a problem, intervention needs to happen sooner rather than later. Open, honest and constructive feedback directed toward a solution is in order. -- EDUCATIONAL SOAPBOX, U.S.A.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Harry," and I had a good marriage for 25 years, but we have grown apart and have agreed to divorce when our child finishes college. We just don't have a lot in common anymore. Harry is on the road a lot, and I have my own business.

My problem is I have fallen in love with Harry's cousin "Cyrus." We met 25 years ago at my sister-in-law's house and were instantly attracted. My mother-in-law reintroduced us five years ago so we could put together a business deal, and we became close. Cyrus is successful, and he's generous to me and my child. I have been secretly in love with him all these years, and now he has fallen in love with me, too.

Because I plan to leave Harry does not mean I want to leave his family. I have a wonderful mother-in-law and great sisters-in-law, and I love being a part of their family. I enjoy the weddings, family reunions and even the memorial services.

When I divorce Harry and marry Cyrus, I plan to remain part of the family, but my sisters-in-law do not approve, and they no longer want to continue our friendship. If it doesn't bother my soon-to-be-ex-husband, why should my continuing to attend family reunions bother them? And will time heal all wounds? -- GOING CRAZY IN ALABAMA

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Allow me to offer a clue. Harry's sisters appear to be traditional in their beliefs and may consider you to be an adulteress who has wronged their brother. If the breach can be healed, Harry will have to explain to them that the divorce is also his idea because your marriage has been over for years. However, if your soon-to-be-ex is unwilling to step forward, then I seriously doubt time will heal this wound, so please don't hold your breath expecting any invitations when their clan gathers.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my father died 15 years ago, my mother has pursued her children's friends and made them her own. Example: I live in another state and have had a best friend, "Anne," for 20 years. Mom has gotten to know Anne quite well over the years, through me. She now calls Anne long distance, invites her to come and stay with her (without me), and considers the two of them best friends.

Last week when I talked to Anne, I learned that Mother will be joining us on a girls' trip I had planned with my closest friends. Mother has done this with my siblings' friends, too -- taking them on trips with her or inviting them to visit. Since Dad's death, she has severed most of their old friendships. Now, aside from our friends, her only friends are her secretary and some of her employees.

I'm having a hard time with this because I can no longer be open about my mother to Anne. Mom's relationship with Anne has changed my relationship with my friend, and I resent it. Is this normal? -- COMPETING WITH MOM

DEAR COMPETING: No, but has it occurred to you that after your father's death, their friends may have ended their relationship with your mother? According to my mail, it happens quite often because a widow may be perceived as a third wheel or even a threat.

Your mother may be competing with you (and your siblings), or it could be a desperate attempt to be more involved in your lives.

Does Anne know how uncomfortable this three-way has made you feel? If so, how did she respond when you told her? If you have discussed it, then it's time to recognize that the problem isn't entirely your mother, and you may be mad at the wrong person.

DEAR ABBY: Shortly before my wedding, I decided to have my teeth fixed. The dentist quoted me a price of $4,000, which my husband and I could not afford since we were paying for our entire wedding.

My parents agreed to pay the dental bill as soon as it arrived. However, there is now a "stipulation." They are demanding the full list -- including exact dollar amounts -- of what EACH of our guests gave us for wedding gifts. If I refuse, my parents now say our previous verbal agreement is worthless, and my husband can cover my dental bill.

Am I wrong for not wanting to give them the dollar amount or tell them what each guest gave at our wedding? They call me at work and insist I tell them because they "must" know if their family and friends "disrespected" them. I feel that whatever people gave us is whatever they could afford, and my husband and I are very happy with the gifts we received. -- NEWLYWED IN DARIEN, CONN.

DEAR NEWLYWED: Your parents are wrong to attempt to blackmail you into sharing the list with them. That information is none of their business. I hope you stand firm, call your dentist and work out a payment plan.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 73-year-old man in reasonably good health who would like to own a dog. However, I have two concerns: A dog might outlive me, or I might outlive the dog -- which would be traumatic for me. I'd appreciate your opinion. -- THINKING OF ADOPTING IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR THINKING: It is well known that pets lower levels of stress and depression. Adopting a dog could give you a new "leash" on life because responsible pet owners must establish a regular routine and exercise their animals.

However, before you take the plunge, consult your doctor about whether you're healthy enough to have one, and ask a veterinarian about the care it will require and whether you should adopt an adult dog rather than a puppy. Then talk to your lawyer about ensuring that, in the event of your death, your faithful companion will be cared for until it joins you in the Great Puppy Park in the sky.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this as a mother of four and an operating room nurse for 30 years. Once again, I had to pull a crying mother from her child so I could take the child into the operating room.

I understand that a child having surgery is upsetting and stressful. My own children have had to have surgical procedures done, so I know the feeling. But if I can help parents understand one thing, it would be that the child looks to the parent for support. If the mother is crying and clinging at the bedside, the message the child receives is: If Mom is that upset, something bad must be about to happen to me.

No one is implying that you do not love your child or you are not worried about him or her, but it does no one any good if you have to be peeled off your child. Please send your little one off with kisses and encouraging words, and the child will be a little less frightened. -- WISCONSIN R.N.

DEAR WISCONSIN R.N.: I'm printing your letter verbatim. As traumatic as sending a child into surgery can be for both parent and child, the words a child needs to hear are, "You'll be going to sleep, and when you wake up, Mommy will be right here. I love you. Now give me a kiss." For the child's sake, venting for stress relief should be saved for the waiting room.