DEAR ABBY: My wife was hired for an administrative position. On her first day of work, they called her into the human resources director's office and told her she was being "let go" because of her website. The site has photos of her when she worked as a model for a large department store. They are in no way provocative or overly revealing. Photos of our children are also on the site.

The HR director told her that one of the other (internal) applicants had Googled her and had seen the site. An image so upset the other applicant that she made a formal complaint, which caused my wife's dismissal!

We consulted a lawyer and contacted the local Equal Employment Opportunity Commission only to be told that North Carolina is an "at will" employment state and that the employer did nothing wrong. We feel their actions were wrong. Is there anything that can be done? -- YANKEE IN CONFEDERATE COUNTRY

DEAR YANKEE: I'm sorry, but the answer is no. In most states there is a presumption of "at will" employment unless you have a written contract to the contrary. However, the employer cannot terminate an employee for an illegal reason -- such as age, religion, gender, sexual orientation or a disability. It does not appear from your letter that your wife was terminated for an illegal reason, but what happened stinks anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My mother got drunk at a family function and started a fight with me. I ended up leaving before it could escalate, but I feel I ruined the host's day. Would it be appropriate to send an "I'm sorry" note, and how would I word it? -- MAKING AMENDS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR MAKING AMENDS: The person making the amends should be the person who created the scene -- your mother. If you feel something needs to be said by you, and apparently you do, then write your host and say, "I feel terrible about what happened at your party and would like to apologize for my mother's behavior. I left before she could create a scene, but I'm afraid it cast a shadow on your day, and for that I would like to apologize." Sign it with love.

P.S. You'll lead a happier life if you stop feeling that you have to apologize for your mother's behavior. You are responsible only for your own.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been lucky enough to travel all over the world during our long marriage. Over the years, we collected lovely items from every location.

Now that we are older, we have decided to move into a smaller home, and would like to share these lovely souvenirs with our friends. Although I think "Ellen" would love to have one of my silk scarves, and "Peter" would appreciate a pair of my husband's marble bookends, or "Annemarie" would cherish my necklace from India, etc., I'm unsure that my choices would be their choices.

Would it be proper for us to ask our friends to choose among our treasure rather than our making the choice for them? -- WORLD TRAVELER IN MIAMI BEACH

DEAR WORLD TRAVELER: I commend you for your generosity; however, you might run into trouble if several of your friends choose the same item. Were I in your shoes, I would make the selection for each of them. (Include a note with the gift -- i.e., "Ellen, this scarf matches your eyes," "Annemarie, I know you love ethnic jewelry," etc.)

DEAR ABBY: It seems the moment we got married a year ago, my husband promptly started gaining weight and adopting horrible habits. He has put on more than 100 pounds. I don't want to nag him, but the magnitude of his bad habits is making me contemplate divorce.

If he hasn't learned things like "garbage goes into the garbage can" or "aim for the bowl" by his age, is there any hope? Should I let him know our marriage may be in trouble? -- STILL A NEWLYWED IN UTAH

DEAR STILL A NEWLYWED: Are you telling me that you have sat in silence for an entire year while witnessing major changes in your husband's behavior since the wedding? Something may be wrong with him, and he should be examined stem-to-stern by a doctor. Your husband may have a serious problem, and it follows that if he does, your marriage will, too. So for both your sakes, speak up, schedule him for a physical and try to remember that line you uttered regarding "in sickness and in health."

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Irving" for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward -- almost in a fatherly tone -- that I need to keep it low key.

He isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight -- specifically, that he doesn't want me to gain any.

Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He's been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Can you help? -- CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR CAUTIOUS: If you're looking for a supportive mate, Irving doesn't appear to be the man for you. To stay with him because you have invested 12 months in the relationship is not sufficient reason to invest still more time. Face it, his tone may be "fatherly," but he's not your father, and he'll always be critical.

DEAR ABBY: We will visit my in-laws for the holidays next December with our new baby. We stay in a hotel when we visit because the in-laws are both chain smokers and I am a non-smoker who is sensitive to smoke. This has created some distance between my in-laws and me. When we have visited in the past I resigned myself to the fact that they will smoke through our dinners and conversations.

Now that we have a little one, I do not want my in-laws to smoke in front of the baby. They don't visit us; we visit them once a year. Can I ask that they not smoke in their home while my family is visiting? -- MICHELE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR MICHELE: No. And even if your in-laws agreed, taking your baby into a house in which the carpets, walls and furniture are saturated with smoke would be counterproductive. When you visit, arrange your get-togethers at your hotel or in the home of other relatives who are non-smokers. Out of love for their grandchild, your in-laws should cooperate. If you need backup in making the request, discuss this with your baby's pediatrician and get the facts and statistics about how damaging first-, second- and third-hand smoke is on a little one's respiratory system.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband, "Ted," for many years. He is a people person with close friends of both sexes. I have never had a problem with his having female friends because I trust him, and because these women are my friends, too.

Recently, however, a woman I'll call "Ellie" has become infatuated with my husband. At least I think she has, and I need an unbiased perspective. Ted has a separate e-mail account and he has shown me some of her messages. She calls him "Dearest" and says things like, "You are amazing; you are inspirational; you are my special friend; and you rascal, you." He either doesn't reply or is very careful how he does.

Abby, I sense that Ellie is trying to establish a separate relationship with Ted. He and I have discussed it. He thinks it's funny and we have joked about it, but we're both becoming uncomfortable around her.

We have mutual friends we see once a month for dinner. We'd have to explain to them why we want to cut off contact with Ellie. They may understand because Ellie's flirting has been escalating at these dinners. Am I being paranoid? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: If you and Ted have both become uncomfortable because of Ellie's advances, you're not paranoid. Yes, you can withdraw from the dinners so you have less exposure to Ellie. But there is another way to handle it. Your husband can inform the woman that her attentions are making him uncomfortable and, if she wants to communicate via e-mail, she do it using your joint account -- and block her from his private one.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gerald," and I have been married since the '70s, and in all that time we have never taken a trip or shared a vacation by ourselves. He makes the plans (even asking me where I'd like to go), but we always end up visiting one of his relatives or friends instead. And I end up doing the same things there I do at home -- cooking meals, cleaning, doing dishes and laundry -- while Gerald sits and enjoys himself.

The last time I mentioned that we have never been anywhere by ourselves, he seemed to really consider it. The next day he said, "OK, let's take a cruise." Then he said, "I'll call my brother and see if he and his wife want to come with us!"

Am I wrong in feeling upset that my husband doesn't care enough to go anywhere with just me or to a place that I want to visit? -- NEEDS A VACATION

DEAR NEEDS: Not in my book. It appears that your husband doesn't consider one-on-one time with you to be special, and that IS upsetting. When he suggested inviting his brother and sister-in-law along on the cruise, I hope you responded with a resounding "No!" But if you didn't, I'm recommending that for your next vacation, YOU make the reservations and plan the destination. After 40 years, you deserve a holiday you can enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: I have a short question I need an answer to. How do we know when it's time to end a relationship and move on? -- KIKI IN TEXAS

DEAR KIKI: The short answer is when it brings you more pain than pleasure. The longer answer is, when you make a list of the pros and cons in the relationship, and the cons outnumber the pros.