DEAR ABBY: I am in my 40s and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my darling mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people's spirits are near us after they die.

Please don't laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don't want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.

Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die? -- SPOOKED IN SPOKANE

DEAR SPOOKED: Calm down. The departed sometimes "visit" those with whom their souls were intertwined, but usually it's to offer strength, solace and reassurance during difficult times. If your mother-in-law's spirit visits you while you're intimate with her son, it will be only to wish you and her son many more years of closeness and happiness in your marriage.

As to your parents, when they travel to the hereafter, I am sure they'll have more pleasant things with which to occupy their time than spying on you. So hold a good thought and quit worrying.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding gift giving. If you receive a gift of clothing (with a receipt) from someone and the garment doesn't fit, is it your responsibility to exchange it, or should you return it to the gift-giver, explain that it's the wrong size and ask the person to return it?

I gave my sister an outfit that didn't fit her. She immediately gave the gift back and asked me to return it. -- LORI IN FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.

DEAR LORI: It is the recipient's responsibility to return the item. That way she (or he) can be sure the replacement will be the right size, the right color or the right style. To give you your gift back and expect you to take responsibility for it was presumptuous.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of more than 40 years, "Myra," delivered a letter to my physician outlining her observations of what she claims were "changes" in me. I was called into my doctor's office to respond.

Myra has also told me I should see a psychiatrist. I am disappointed that a friend would say these things about me, and I don't think she should have contacted my doctor without telling me. I have asked others if they have noticed any dramatic changes in me and no one else has.

Myra may have my best interests at heart, but I am upset about this, to say the least. Am I wrong to feel that she has overstepped her boundaries? -- PERFECTLY FINE IN OHIO

DEAR PERFECTLY FINE: Your friend must have been extremely concerned about you to have taken the step she did. And I wish you had mentioned in your letter WHY she thinks you should see a psychiatrist. If you have no family nearby with whom she could discuss her concerns, it's possible that she did what she did out of love for you, so please try to forgive her.

P.S. Was what she did out of character for her? If so, consider discussing it with her family -- or physician.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Alana," and I have been married for 14 years. In many ways our marriage is good, but our sex life is horrible. In my opinion, it has never been good. As time passes, I feel more and more anger toward her. Alana is attractive and physically fit; I don't understand her lack of desire. When the subject of sex comes up, it makes us both clam up.

I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split. I have not -- and would never consider -- an affair. What do you think about this? -- TROUBLED HUSBAND IN MISSOURI

DEAR TROUBLED: Good sex is all about open communication. If the subject makes you and your wife both clam up, it's no wonder your sex life has faltered.

Before you and Alana can get on the same wavelength, you need to understand how each of you defines a good sex life. The reason sex therapy has become a medical specialty is that so many couples have the same problems you're experiencing. Before deciding to call it quits, ask your doctor for a referral to a sex therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I am going to be a sophomore in college next year. I played basketball in high school and was offered a full scholarship to play at the college I attend now. I played ball during my freshman year, and I do not want to do it again next year. My heart is no longer in it.

My biggest fear is letting my parents down. I know having my education paid for has helped them out, but don't I have a right to do what makes me happy? Please help me come up with a way to convince them that I'm making the right decision. -- DROPPING THE BALL IN IOWA

DEAR DROPPING THE BALL: Before you make a final decision, you need to know what penalties there may be for dropping your athletic scholarship. You should also check to find out what academic scholarships or loan programs you might qualify for, and if there are any part-time jobs available in case your parents are unable to foot the entire bill for your education. You should also keep in mind that, in a sense, your athletic scholarship is a job that's getting you through college, and it doesn't have to be your heart's desire to be a means to an end.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to thank the schoolteachers, librarians and counselors who were kind to me when I was an at-risk child.

My mother was mentally ill, my father was absent, and the school was my haven. I often wish I could tell some of those adults who helped me along the way that I did make it, that I turned out OK, and that I'm so grateful for the little and big ways they intervened in my life.

To all who serve children: Please know that even very small kindnesses give hope and strength to the child who doesn't receive them elsewhere. -- TURNED OUT OK THANKS TO YOU

DEAR TURNED OUT OK: You have written a beautiful letter, one that could have been written by many students to the educators and other adults who, by their acts of kindness, made a positive difference in their lives. If we think back, I suspect that most of us have had at least one. I know I have, and I, too, am grateful to them.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My friends and neighbors thought I had the best husband, and our children thought he was the greatest dad. But on the day he died, I found out he had been having sex with another woman.

I went to visit him in the hospital and overheard the whole thing as he was talking to her. Abby, she was a prostitute. I knew money had been disappearing, but I never imagined anything like this.

Should I go on pretending to my adult children, or tell them the truth? They thought he was the best father in the whole world. Even though this happened more than five years ago, I continue to have nightmares over it. -- STILL HURTING IN BOSTON

DEAR HURTING: I see nothing positive to be gained by shattering your children's image of their father at this point. I'm sorry he failed you as a husband. However, for you to spend more of your life nursing hurt and disappointment is a waste of your precious time. Talk to your religious adviser or confide in a therapist. But do not bring this up with your children.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 76-year-old father of three sons and grandfather of five. The other night, I was dining out with my brother, one of my sons, his 31-year-old wife, and their two children, ages 5 and 2.

The server was standing next to me and the 5-year-old, poised to take our orders. My daughter-in-law was distracted by the 2-year-old, so I placed my order so the server would not be kept standing there.

My son chastised me for not waiting until his wife placed her order first. Embarrassed, I offered an apology. Was I wrong not to wait for my daughter-in-law to place her order? What would have been the proper thing to do? -- EMBARRASSED IN GARFIELD, N.J.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Frankly, the "proper thing to do" in this case would have been for your son to save his criticism until he could talk to you privately, rather than embarrassing you in a public place. Ordinarily, the rule of thumb "ladies first" would apply when giving the dinner order. However, because your daughter-in-law was distracted, speaking up and telling the server what you wanted makes sense to me.

DEAR ABBY: The company where I work posted an ad online and at our state unemployment job board for a position that needed to be filled. The ad detailed simple but specific instructions that included asking applicants to write a cover letter to address certain questions. It also said -- in large letters: "YOU MUST FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS OR YOU WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED FOR EMPLOYMENT."

Of the 133 resumes we received, 76 did not contain the information that was requested. These applications were moved to an "Incomplete" file and not considered for hire. What's sad is that judging by their resumes alone, several of these applicants had the qualifications we were looking for.

With unemployment being what it is, I was surprised that the majority of the applicants did not comply with the simple instructions. Please advise your unemployed readers that a job is out there for them, but they must follow instructions. -- TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, TUMWATER, WASH.

DEAR TRYING TO BE HELPFUL: Consider it done. Now I'll offer another suggestion: Always proofread what you have written to ensure there are no spelling or transposition errors.