DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my second husband, "Greg," for 3 1/2 years. Before we married, Greg took me out on dates, we had wonderful conversations and a satisfying sex life.

Now I spend every weekend cleaning, and when I clean the upstairs, Greg goes downstairs. If I clean downstairs, he goes upstairs. He says he loves me, but it seems we have become more like roommates than husband and wife.

Greg buys big-ticket items (big-screen TV and a computer, for example) without telling me. In fact, he never discusses anything with me. Do you think he married me only to cook and clean for him?

Before you suggest counseling, let me point out one more thing: Greg is a psychologist. -- SEARCHING FOR NORMAL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SEARCHING: It appears you married a man who was terrific at sales and poor on follow-through. Because someone is a psychologist does not automatically make that person a good spouse, or parent -- or even a particularly effective therapist.

You two have a serious communication problem. You need to tell him how you feel, and he needs to tell you why he's avoiding you and won't allow you to have a voice in "big" decisions. And I am suggesting counseling, but not with anyone with whom your husband is affiliated in business.

DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with an older man for a year and a half. He is very nice and makes me laugh. He has a lot of faults, but I can tolerate them except for one -- he cheated on both of his ex-wives. He has had affairs with his friends' wives, his employees and his customers. He even told me he slept with another woman the night before his wedding to his second wife.

He likes to flirt, and women like him because he has a great sense of humor. I love his company and we get along well -- most of the time. He says he's sorry for his past behavior, but I'm not convinced he really is. I'm afraid he will do the same with me if he has the chance.

I have spoken to him about my concerns. He says he is "different" now. I have been hurt by men before, and I really don't want to have another emotional disaster. What can he do to gain my trust? -- HESITANT IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR HESITANT: Probably nothing. Face it -- he's charming, witty and can't keep his zipper up. Recognize and enjoy him for who he is, but if you're looking for a lifetime commitment, he's not "the one."

DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked by a good friend to be one of his groomsmen at his wedding. Of course, I accepted.

His bachelor party was on the Oregon coast, so I had to fly out for that a few months before the wedding. The ceremony is in St. Louis, so I have to journey there as well. For both events I have had to pay for travel, accommodations, etc. I spent $200 for the tuxedo rental for the wedding as well as additional expenses.

By the end of it I'll have spent more than $1,000. Must I still buy my friend a wedding gift? -- BIG SPENDER IN PALO ALTO, CALIF.

DEAR BIG SPENDER: The answer is yes -- but it doesn't have to be expensive. According to Emily Post, among the basic responsibilities of all adult attendants is to "contribute to attendants' group gifts to the bride and groom (and usually, give an individual gift as well)."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son "Clay" has been married seven years. There are times I like to discuss things of a personal nature with him having to do with our family, and I have asked him not to mention our talks with his wife. These discussions have nothing to do with her.

The problem is whatever he tells her, she repeats to her whole family. I do not want our personal problems and other matters to be known by everyone.

My other son has no trouble keeping our talks just between us, but Clay says he and his wife have "no secrets" from each other. Abby, is it OK to ask a married son or daughter not to divulge things to a spouse that have nothing to do with her or him? -- CONFIDENTIALLY IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR CONFIDENTIALLY: It's OK to ask; it's also OK to say no. When Clay married his wife, she became part of your family. Now that you know your son keeps no secrets from his wife, and that she leaks like a sieve, the better part of wisdom would be to stop confiding in him. Don't you think?

DEAR ABBY: As a therapist and regular reader, I was surprised and dismayed by your advice to "Hubby in Purr-gatory" (June 30). Apparently, "Hubby" has grown annoyed with his wife's preoccupation with her two cats.

Whatever blocks to closeness have been created for this couple are not likely to be removed by his demanding affection and threatening infidelity -- even in jest. (Re: your comment, "He may adopt a 'kitten' of his own.") People turn to excessive engagement with animals because animals provide warmth in easy, reliable ways. Spouses would often do well to watch what animals give and offer the same things -- especially uncritical pleasure in each other's company.

At the least, you could have suggested "Hubby" open a dialogue with his wife about why she chooses the cats' company and what he can do to be equally appealing. -- JULIE IN RICHMOND, VA., CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

DEAR JULIE: I'm sorry you were dismayed. If you read "Hubby's" letter again you will see that he tried "opening a dialogue" with his wife and got nowhere. She has infantilized the cats, which she calls her "babies," to assuage her anxiety after her sons moved out.

While some readers assumed I was "advising" the husband to "adopt a 'kitten' of his own," what I was trying to convey was that when a spouse (of either sex, by the way) feels ignored, unappreciated, unloved or unimportant, it is not uncommon for him or her to seek validation elsewhere. In other words, I called it as I saw it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl. I recently had open heart surgery and my doctor did a really bad job at the "stitching up." My scar is oversized and crooked.

People look at me all the time and ask me about it. I hate wearing certain shirts because of it. Why can't people realize this scar saved my life and stop staring at it? Please, I need some advice. -- SCARRED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SCARRED: People look at your scar because it is different. They do not mean to stare or make you uncomfortable. A way to take control of the situation would be, when you see someone looking at your chest, to say, "I had open heart surgery. This scar saved my life." If you are asked about it, answer any questions honestly. That will take the mystery out of it -- and word will get around.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I generally agree on most major issues. We agree to disagree on the minor ones. But there is one issue I think is major and he thinks is minor -- strip clubs. He sees nothing wrong with having women give him lap dances. He compares it to seeing a movie -- it's "entertainment."

Abby, I'm not a prude. I wouldn't care if he went to a strip club for a bachelor party, and I don't object about his extensive porn collection. But it makes me feel he isn't getting what he needs from me when he goes to a strip club by himself. I expect my husband to understand and respect my feelings. Is that too much to ask, or am I being unreasonable? -- THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT? IN SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR "?": You don't mind your husband going to strip clubs as long as he's with others, and you don't mind him looking at his "extensive porn collection"? It seems as wives go, you're extremely liberal. It's not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable knowing one's spouse is being touched by a scantily clad person of the opposite sex. Because you prefer he not be there alone and he refuses to quit, consider going with him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who is extremely handsome and well-built. "Kal" is friendly, outgoing and lights up a room when he walks in. Everyone likes him -- guys and gals. He makes friends easily and is quite engaging. Girls talk to him and flirt with him, but they don't want to date him.

Kal is 5-foot-7 and everyone says things like, "He's hot!" or, "He's so cute -- but he's short." Abby, this man has a great job, makes more than $80,000 a year, owns his own home and drives a nice car. He surfs, snowboards and loves to enjoy life.

I don't get it. If I wasn't already married to a wonderful man, I'd date Kal in a hot minute. I have seen girls swoon over his physique on the beach or at the gym. Is he too short to be considered eligible? -- LOST IN THE LAND OF ALOHA

DEAR LOST: No -- he's too eligible to be considered short on anything. The true measure of a man isn't from top to bottom -- it's from the eyebrows up. I wish you had sent me Kal's phone number. I know I'll be inundated with letters from interested people.

P.S. Readers, I'd be interested in your thoughts. Does height really matter?

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter just turned 4. She was a "miracle baby" -- carried by a surrogate using my embryo. When our surrogate was 4 1/2 months pregnant, I became pregnant. Our second child is a boy.

I have been open about our story, trying to give other infertile couples hope. However, I have noticed that our daughter's ears perk up when I start talking. She often talks about when she was in my tummy, and when her brother was in there, too. I am torn as to whether I should explain the story to her now, or wait until she can really comprehend such a thing. I don't want her to resent me for covering up the truth. -- BLESSED TWICE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR BLESSED TWICE: At 4, your little girl is too young to be told the technicalities surrounding her birth. Raise the subject when she is older and starting to learn about biology -- unless she starts asking questions sooner. If she does, answer her honestly and on an age-appropriate level.