DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the letter from "Socially Obligated in Pennsylvania" (Oct. 4), whose fiance, "Joe," refuses invitations to events from her family. My niece married a well-educated man who is like Joe. They now live an isolated social life and participate in none of the normal family functions that are so important in bringing people together. Their children miss so much.

My advice to "S.O." would be to rethink the engagement and consider meeting someone who is more socially compatible and less controlling. Marriage is a partnership built on compromise. Joe is uncooperative.

My second husband was like this man. I divorced him. Family meant too much to me. -- OLDER AND WISER IN ARIZONA

DEAR OLDER: Thank you for your comments. I heard from many readers who were eager to share what they have learned from living with someone who is uncomfortable in social situations. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Socially Obligated" and her fiance need counseling to find answers to why he is reluctant to attend her family functions. Is he introverted? Does he suffer from Asperger's syndrome and is unable to feel comfortable in crowds? Could he be depressed? Could there have been an issue that has turned him off to her family?

After seven years together, they need to dig deeper or it will continue to be a problem. -- LOUISE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: I, too, am married to a man who refuses to do anything with me if anyone else is involved, whether it be church, family or work. He is comfortable with me, and that's it!

We will do things from time to time with family, but he despises it. I feel it's unfair, because I go out of my way to include his relatives in my life. But I knew this about him before we were married.

I have quit making excuses for him and now just explain that he is extremely uncomfortable around people. He has social anxiety and will not likely change. I love him in spite of it, and I make adjustments.

One way I cope is by latching onto someone else in the group so I don't feel left out among the couples present. I engage with nieces and nephews and my widowed mother.

I advise "S.O." to love the man for who he is. Don't try to force him or put him down. -- MAKING IT WORK IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: There could be other explanations for the man's social avoidance. My wife is more social than I. I used to go with her to events that she wanted me to attend. But I noticed that afterward, I would get chewed out -- I talked too much or too little, spoke too loudly or couldn't be heard, mixed too much or not enough. In other words, my wife was so socially insecure that no matter how I acted, she took issue.

I finally realized that the problem was hers and not mine. I haven't gone anywhere socially with my wife since 1995 and it has worked out just fine. -- STEPHEN IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ABBY: I come from a large, boisterous, affectionate Italian-Catholic family. My husband grew up an only child in a conservative home. My family gatherings so overwhelmed him that he could only attend one or two per year. I attended the rest alone.

We had many heated arguments about his dislike of my family -- until my mother became ill and he watched how we all came together for her care. That's when he came to know and appreciate my family on a different level. Perhaps over time "S.O.'s" fiance will, too. -- MONICA IN SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: "Socially Obligated" is worried that because her fiance doesn't show up for her family events, her family may not make the effort for her wedding? She should be worried that he might be the one who doesn't show up! -- JUDY IN OREGON

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I consider it a joy to bring family together to share traditions. However, two of the uncles insist on blaring sports games on our TV during these gatherings. Neither I nor my husband or parents are interested in sports. Usually there is money riding on these games, and there are loud discussions about bets and other things I would rather my kids not hear. We can't move the TV because it's too large, and forcing them to turn it off kills the holiday cheer.

How do I learn to live with the noise of a stadium gamecast over every holiday? My home is where the family gathers on most of them. -- NOT AN ARMCHAIR QUARTERBACK IN INDIANA

DEAR NOT: The sports events have become part of the tradition, and nothing you or I can say will change that. If you are concerned about your children overhearing something they shouldn't, have them play in another room and provide games to occupy them, or ask that they "help" you prepare the meal or set the table. That should keep them occupied and out of the way.

As to your learning to live with the noise of the telecast, it might help if you repeat the Serenity Prayer from AA:

God grant me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference. -- REINHOLD NIEBUHR

DEAR ABBY: My wife "Julie" and I have been married a year. On our first date she asked me if I liked dogs. I told her no because I'm allergic to them. However, because we were compatible in so many other ways, I worked past this difference and tolerated "Fido." I walked him at times and began taking allergy medication when we started living together. I did it out of love and respect for my wife.

Julie returned the respect in kind. My late grandmother had given me a blanket decorated with characters from a favorite TV show when I was a child. Although it clashed with our furniture, Julie draped it over the couch in our den because she knew it was meaningful to me.

I was away on a business trip when Fido died. I sent flowers and called my wife, expressing my condolences. When I returned a few days later I noticed my blanket was missing. When I asked where it was, Julie tore into me saying I had never liked Fido and she had buried him with my blanket! I was furious and let her know with a few choice words.

It has been a week and the mood here is strained. I'm still angry about what she did. Do I have the right to be upset? -- STRESSED AND STEAMED

DEAR STEAMED: Anger is a part of grief, but what your wife did was wrong. She took something that didn't belong to her and that was precious to you and destroyed it. She did it because she wanted you to feel the same kind of loss that she was suffering. It was immature, unkind and hostile. You are certainly entitled to your feelings. She owes you a sincere apology.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a stay-at-home mom with a 10-year-old daughter. We live in a complex that houses about 250 people.

I'm a naturally friendly person, but also very private. When the weather is warm, I love having my shades up and my windows open. My daughter enjoys the fresh air, so she's out in the yard often. Because of this, some of my neighbors -- possibly bored -- take it upon themselves to "pop in" for a visit when they see we're home. I don't invite them over, and I don't want company. This happens more than once a day with the same people.

I have tried making excuses ("I'm in the middle of something," "I'm cooking dinner," "I have company"), but it doesn't work. I have also said, "We're just getting ready to leave," but it soon becomes obvious that we weren't going anywhere. People have gotten mad and they now label me a "snob" -- among other things.

I don't want to spend my life in the house hiding with my daughter, but I also don't want to entertain people who come over uninvited. Abby, I am not a snob. I just love doing whatever I'm doing uninterrupted -- even if what I'm doing is nothing at all. Please help. -- NICE, PRIVATE LADY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR NICE, PRIVATE LADY: I don't know what etiquette book your neighbors have read, but they have a lot of nerve dropping by unannounced and expecting you to drop whatever you are doing to entertain them.

It is not rude or snobbish to defend your privacy. You were too nice to them to begin with by making excuses. What you should have said was, "I'm not up for company right now. Please call to see if I'm free before dropping over next time."

DEAR ABBY: Three people have helped me make lemonade out of life's lemons -- a patient and talented therapist, a beloved pastor and you. After 50 years, here are my top 10 Dear Abby lessons:

1. No one can "make" you unhappy. You have choices.

2. The healthiest way to cure depression? Volunteer your hands and your heart.

3. The best advice for raising children? Remember that you raise them to let them go.

4. The best person with whom to discuss marital difficulties? Your spouse. Complaining to others may make you feel better for a day, but it will be at the expense of your marriage.

5. Don't "protect" those you love from the pain that will heal them.

6. Never criticize without working toward a solution, particularly when it comes to politics.

7. Never forget abuse nor tolerate it again, but do forgive the abuser.

8. What (and whom) you love is not shown through words but by where you devote your time, your energy and money.

9. You are what you eat, read and watch on TV.

10. Life is linear. Make every moment matter. -- A SURVIVOR IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SURVIVOR: I'm flattered that you have learned so many life lessons from reading the Dear Abby column. However, one of the items you listed in your letter did not come from me or my mother before me. It's No. 7. I have never written that a victim of abuse should feel obligated to forgive the abuser.