DEAR ABBY: My wife went on a diet a year ago and lost a tremendous amount of weight. The problem now is she won't quit. Every time I suggest she stop and put a few pounds back on, she gets angry and won't speak to me.

My wife isn't anorexic, but I have a feeling she may be headed in that direction. She has no health concerns that either of us is aware of, and when I say anything she just says, "You wanted me thin, so now I'm thin!"

Please tell me what I should do before her dieting gets out of control and becomes a serious threat to her health. -- DISTRAUGHT HUSBAND OF A VERY THIN WIFE

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Your wife may have worked so hard to lose the weight you urged her to lose that she hasn't figured out how to stabilize and maintain it. Because you are worried that she may have gone off the deep end, the two of you should make an appointment with her doctor to discuss what a healthy weight is for her -- and possibly get a referral to a licensed nutritionist who can help her establish a healthy maintenance plan.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Irma," has hurt us with her words and actions many times. When the drama is over, she will suddenly send an e-mail saying she "misses" my husband and me. I do not want to seem like an unforgiving person, but I'm tired of this repeated behavior. My husband and I feel we're better off not socializing with her and my brother-in-law, but if I respond to her e-mail, it just opens the door for yet another incident. How can we clear the air but not leave ourselves open for another attack? -- FORGIVEN BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

DEAR FORGIVEN: Your feelings are understandable, but this is your sister-in-law -- so you can't dodge her forever. This doesn't mean you must see her often. When you do, take an emotional step backward and treat her with the same respect -- and degree of closeness -- that you would any other acquaintance. When she acts out, absent yourself.

The woman appears to have poor impulse control and a high degree of volatility. And that's a subject that your husband might approach (privately) with his brother-in-law and you should stay away from. Your brother-in-law might be more receptive to the message if he hears it from his wife's brother.

DEAR ABBY: I have been spending more time than usual in doctors' offices now that I care for my elderly father. Lately, a lot of these offices have added TVs to their waiting rooms.

The sets are invariably tuned to 24-hour news channels on which combative people yell at each other. I think this is a bad choice for sick people. Subjecting them to this kind of programming can only raise their blood pressure. If the televisions have to be there, they should show calmer programming, like shows about food and cooking, homes and gardens, science or history.

I have tried making this point to the various health care professionals, but they look at me like I'm from Mars. Am I overreacting? -- TIRED OF YELLING HEADS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR TIRED OF YELLING HEADS: Yes, you are. The next time you encounter this situation with your father, ask the receptionist to please change the channel and I'm sure you will be accommodated.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 12, my cousin "Larry" gave me a hallucinogen-laced candy bar and raped me. I struggled with depression and anxiety during all of my teenage and young adult years. The herpes I got from him left me with lifelong issues.

With the support of Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) and a therapist, I was eventually able to process the terrible repressed memories. My journey of recovery and healing includes living with healthy boundaries -- so when my father died, I made it known that Larry was not welcome at the funeral. My cousin "Janet" was very upset by my choice. She has been ignoring me since. I am hurt by her behavior, but not devastated.

Abby, I'd appreciate your printing this letter to encourage other survivors so they, too, can live full lives with boundaries. We do not have to allow ourselves to be ruled by dysfunctional family issues. Thank you. -- GRATEFUL RECOVERING SURVIVOR IN NEW YORK

DEAR SURVIVOR: You're right, you don't. And because funerals are to comfort the living, and Cousin Larry's presence would have been upsetting, you were right to exclude him.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous, a 12-step program for persons 18 years or older who have been victims of child sexual abuse, has been mentioned in my column before. It has been successful in helping people who were traumatized by childhood abuse become -- as the name indicates -- survivors. It offers assistance in starting groups, a volunteer information and referral line, and also sells literature and a newsletter. Its website is � HYPERLINK "http://www.siawso.org" ��www.siawso.org�.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old guy. Two years ago I saw the cutest guy at work I had ever seen. After finally working up enough courage, I asked "Peter" to go out with me -- as friends. The more I got to know him, the harder I fell for him. Peter is quiet, intelligent, a perfect balance between introvert and extrovert. For lack of a better word, he is "distinctive" -- unlike any person I have ever met.

Earlier this year he asked me to be his roommate. I was unsure if that was a wise decision, knowing how strongly I feel for him. I decided to do it, wondering whether Peter's feelings for me would strengthen as he got to know me better through our living arrangement. We have discussed our goals in life, and Peter says he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship until he reaches his 30s. (He's my age.) That said, I have gotten mixed signals.

Abby, I am ready for a relationship and I want it to be with him. Should I tell him how I feel? I worry that if I don't say something now, I may lose my chance to someone else. -- HEAD OVER HEELS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR HEAD OVER HEELS: Remaining silent is not a solution to your problem. But neither is forcing Peter into making a premature commitment he doesn't feel he's ready for. You need to tell him your feelings without demanding a commitment from him to determine if your feelings are in any way reciprocated. Then you can decide whether or not you need to move on. I can imagine few things more painful than loving someone and having to watch that person become romantically involved with others.

DEAR ABBY: "The One Left Behind in Oregon" (Nov. 16) was disowned by her parents and brother after leaving her abusive husband. She asked how to forgive her father now that he is dying. You told her she didn't have to because he did not ask for forgiveness. I disagree. If she doesn't do it, she will be the one to suffer.

As a recovery counselor, I work with people to help them forgive those who had hurt them -- whether or not the offenders deserved to be forgiven. Why? Because resentment hurts the resenter far more than it hurts the offender. Grudges are cancers in our souls. Forgiveness isn't a gift we give to others, but a gift we give ourselves.

It is especially important for "Left Behind" to see her father now as a way to prevent any regrets she may have in the future. If he's still hostile on his deathbed, that's an issue he'll carry to the grave. -- KATHERINE IN CHILLICOTHE, OHIO

DEAR KATHERINE: Many readers echoed your sentiments and offered a different perspective for "Left Behind" to consider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had an alcoholic father who beat us, then left us never to return. I was angry for years until I realized I was hurting no one but myself. He never asked, but I forgave him so I wouldn't carry anger around for the rest of my life. I wrote him a letter and told him I forgave him for all the beatings and drunken rages. He never responded, but I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders.

"Left Behind" might consider writing her father a letter saying how hurt she has been, but letting him know she has forgiven him. She might be surprised and get a response back, but if she doesn't, at least she'll be rid of that burden. -- FORGAVE HIM IN DAPHNE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: My family members also sided with my abusive ex-spouse. At first it hurt, but over time I came to realize that not forgiving them was hurting me more than them. I'm not saying I have the same relationship with my family now, but in order to truly move on with my life I had to clear my heart and mind. Forgiveness is not only for the offenders as much as it is for the offended. Forgive your father even if he doesn't ask for it, and see him before it's too late. If he sends you away, at least you tried. -- HAVE ALSO BEEN THERE

DEAR ABBY: To forgive someone is a decision to let go of the hatred, hurt and resentment even when the other person doesn't deserve it or ask for it. When we can do this, the terrible deed loses its hold on our lives. Forgiveness is an act of strength, not weakness. It is healthy for us. -- A.Q. IN MOBILE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: I was in a similar position as "Left Behind" with my mother many years ago. Although I couldn't bear to talk to her face-to-face, I wrote a letter saying a few positive things about our relationship. She never spoke of it to me, but I learned later from another relative that she read it over and over and that it was in her hands when she died. Knowing that I made the best effort I could to say goodbye in a compassionate and loving way has lasted far longer than the hurt and anger. -- ANNA IN CORTLAND, ILL.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)