DEAR ABBY: My wife of 16 years, "Barb," and I argue constantly. We can't seem to agree on anything, have few common interests and don't enjoy our time together. Our love life is nonexistent. We have gone to three marriage counselors and it hasn't helped. We now "get along" by avoiding each other.

I think it's time we faced the fact that we're never going to be happy together. When I bring this up with Barb, she gets angry and launches into the same old tirade, saying if I want a divorce I'll have to get a lawyer.

Divorce will be difficult and costly enough without having to drag lawyers into it. I'd like us to agree that it's time to split and use a mediator to work out the details. It will save us a lot of money and, hopefully, make the divorce less acrimonious.

I don't understand why Barb wants to stay together when she's so unhappy and we're unable to make things better. How can I make her see that separating -- in as kind a way as possible -- will be best for us and the kids included? -- "FORMER" HUSBAND IN LONGMONT, COLO.

DEAR "FORMER" HUSBAND: Your wife may prefer the evils she's living with to the unknown of being a divorcee with children. However, when a marriage is over -- it's over. And when it reaches the stage that yours has, what both parties need to be most concerned about is preservation of assets, so they aren't dissipated in attorney's fees.

I have seen both kinds of divorces -- one in which the warring spouses spent so much money in litigation there was little left for each of them when it was over; and the other, in which the couple agreed their marriage was broken beyond repair and arranged their divorce with as little cost as possible. I don't have to tell you which people are doing well now. So clip this and share it with your wife.

DEAR ABBY: If no one answers the phone when my mother calls, she shouts on the answering machine for my children (ages 18 and 12) to "pick up!" Then she'll try my cell phone once or twice in quick succession before calling back on the house phone and leaving a cranky message. It's never an emergency; she just wants to chat.

I understand that Mom is frustrated, but sometimes we are resting, eating dinner or are otherwise indisposed. And yes, there are times when we're not in the mood to talk. She lectures me constantly about how my husband and I are teaching our children to be disrespectful by ignoring her calls. (Their teachers and other adults regularly comment about how polite they are.)

I see nothing wrong with letting a call go to voicemail if I can't or don't want to talk at that moment, and I always return Mom's call. I also encourage my kids to call her, but she doesn't make it easy when she begins a conversation with, "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude not to answer the phone?" Do I owe her an apology, or does she need to be more patient? -- "PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE ..."

DEAR PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE ...: Your mother apparently feels that her needs and wishes automatically take precedence over whatever else may be happening in your lives. You do not owe her any apologies, and yes, she does need to be more patient. But she won't get that message until you are able to communicate it clearly and directly to her. You are no longer a child, and you should not be expected to drop everything anytime your mother wants to "chat."

DEAR ABBY: I am a female high school junior with many friends I love and a boyfriend I care for very much. A number of my friends are gay.

One girl, "Belinda," is a year older than I am. She told me a couple of years ago that she is a lesbian. I have done everything I can to help her and support her. Last year, Belinda shared that she loves me more than as a friend. She would like to take me to the prom this year, and I would like to go with her.

Because I am already involved in a relationship with a boy, should I not be Belinda's escort? If I go, how do I tell my parents? -- LOYAL FRIEND IN OHIO

DEAR LOYAL FRIEND: It's time you have another talk with Belinda and explain to her that you like her very much as a friend, but not in the same way that she feels about you. Because you are already involved in a relationship, you and your boyfriend could (possibly) attend the prom with Belinda as a threesome -- but you should not be her "date." If this turns out to be the solution to your problem, I'm sure your parents would have no objection to it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widow. My husband and I enjoyed traveling all the years we were married. Since his death I've taken one trip to Florida alone. It was OK, but not the same, of course, without a loved one to share the experience. I really miss going places and seeing things.

My son and his family take lots of mini-weekend trips. I would love to be asked to go along occasionally. I am not sure if they don't ask me because they can't afford the extra expense of an additional person, or because they want privacy. I can afford to pay my own way. I don't know how to let them know I'd love to be included once in a while.

I know there are trips for seniors, but I'm not good at mingling with new people. I have always been family-oriented. The discomfort of traveling with a group of new people would outweigh the fun for me. What do you suggest? -- LITTLE BIT LONELY

DEAR LITTLE BIT LONELY: Mention once to your son and his wife that you'd love to be invited to go with them on an occasional mini-weekend getaway -- and that you'd be glad to pay your way. They may take you up on it. However, if they don't, do not bring it up again.

I strongly urge you not to restrict yourself in making new acquaintances. Find new interests now that you are alone. Fight the instinct to isolate yourself. If you don't want to travel with a group of strangers, ask some of your women friends if they would be interested in traveling with you. There are exciting times ahead for you, but you must be willing to assert some independence and reach out.

DEAR ABBY: How do you respond if you're dating a much older man and someone asks if he is your father? -- THE YOUNGER WOMAN IN VERO BEACH, FLA.

DEAR YOUNGER WOMAN: You just reply, no, he's someone you're dating. Say it with good humor and without being defensive. If there is a large age discrepancy, it's a logical question.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Please reprint the list of signs of an abuser. I lost the list I had, but I think my husband is one. He calls me names like "stupid" and "slut." He tells me what clothes to wear, and if I refuse he threatens to cut them up. When we argue, he threatens to call 911 and have me locked up. He says everything that goes wrong is my fault.

We have been married 31 years. The stress is ruining my health. I have no money and no job. He stands in front of the door to keep me from leaving or going anywhere. Should I call a hotline or try to find a women's shelter? -- END OF MY ROPE

DEAR END: While you haven't been battered, your husband's treatment qualifies as emotional abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. Do not try to leave without calling it first.

The signs of an abuser are:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble"; the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.

(7) MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of, "I am angry" or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says they made him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)