DEAR ABBY: My son, "Beau," married "Patsy" four years ago. She left him after two years and moved out of state. There are no legal separation papers, no child support, and my grandson lives with his daddy.

Beau has a mistress now and tells people they're "engaged." "Luci's" family refers to my son as her fiance and she's considered Mommy to my grandson. When I corrected those titles at a recent family function, it caused friction.

In my opinion, they can't be engaged until Beau is first divorced. To me, marriage is important; it matters. I am disturbed by my son's refusal to end his marriage. I feel it is unfair to Luci, who just had his second child. Beau claims Patsy left him, so she should file for the divorce.

Please understand that Luci and I have become close. She's thoughtful, intelligent, well-spoken, and a wonderful mother to both my grandchildren. I just feel Beau should finish his first marriage. This is not the type of man I meant to raise, and that this is the person he has become shames me to my soul.

Am I out of step with society? Am I the only one who finds this setup unfair to Luci and insulting to me, the mother who tried to raise him to be a better man than this? I have talked to a counselor, Abby, and it's killing me. -- DISRESPECTED MOTHER IN TEXAS

DEAR MOM: You're not out of step, and you are correct that the current arrangement is unfair to Luci. If your son should die tomorrow (heaven forbid), Patsy would be a merry widow with all his assets, and Luci would be left with fond memories and a baby to raise by herself. Period.

Not knowing Beau, I can't know his reasons for not divorcing the woman who left him and ensuring that Luci and the children are taken care of. But I am sure of this: His reasons are not solely that he thinks his wife should be the one to file.

Raising a child well does not guarantee he (or she) will turn out to be a carbon copy of his or her parent. So for your own sake, please stop personalizing this.

DEAR ABBY: I was out to lunch with my son, his new wife, "Taylor," and her family. My son asked, "Mom, do you want something else to eat?" Naturally, I thought he was speaking to me, so I answered. I was crushed when he said, "No, I was talking to 'Sally'" (Taylor's mother)!

I feel it's wrong for my son to call someone else Mom, and furthermore, Sally should have said something, but she didn't. Taylor and I are close, but she would never call me Mom, especially in front of her own mother. Am I being silly? Or should I let this go? -- HIS ONLY MOM

DEAR ONLY MOM: Let it go. Your son was probably calling Taylor's mother "Mom" because he had been asked to do so. ("'Sonny,' we're family now. Please call me 'Mom.'") It would not, however, be confrontational to tell your son that hearing him do it was hard to swallow.

DEAR ABBY: I walk daily with a friend who constantly complains about her job -- "I have seven meetings, a person to train and emails to write, blah, blah, blah ..." I occasionally have an opening to mention my problems, but it's rare. I love this friend, but her constant complaining is wearing on me. How can I get her to just enjoy the break and not spend 20 minutes moaning and groaning? -- WEARING THIN IN VIRGINIA

DEAR WEARING THIN: Try this. The next time she does it, say: "Let's not take the office with us. Let's enjoy our break and use the time to talk about other things." Say it with a smile, then change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: My mother's family has never been close-knit, but what they did to her was despicable. My grandmother died recently, and not one person in the family called Mom to notify her. We saw it in our local paper.

No funeral details were mentioned, so we called the mortuary repeatedly only to be told arrangements were "still pending." Mother tried to contact her sister, but got no response. She called her brother four times. He told her the same thing -- the arrangements were pending.

Two days later, Mom heard from another relative that her mother had been buried in a private ceremony with only immediate family. Mother called her brother again, and was told it wasn't true -- the arrangements were still pending.

The next day, Mom and I went to the cemetery to see if the rumor was true. Imagine our sadness when we found my grandmother's grave. Mom was heartbroken that she wasn't able to pay her respects to her own mother.

We went to my uncle to break the news to him, thinking he didn't know, and were shocked when he admitted he had known all along about the arrangements, but that Mother's older sister had instructed him to share no information with Mother. He said his "hands were tied" because she made him promise not to divulge any details to us.

Abby, please tell your readers that no matter how dysfunctional family ties may be, everyone should be able to pay last respects to their own parent. And funeral homes should have the decency to tell callers that funeral arrangements are private rather than lying about it. -- BRENDA IN TEXAS

DEAR BRENDA: My deepest sympathy to you and your mother for your loss. Regardless of what caused the falling out with her siblings, their behavior was brutal and allowed her no closure. They have made it plain that she should keep her distance, and for her own sake I hope she will. It is obvious who "runs" that family, and further contact will cause your mother only more pain and frustration. Sometimes people have to build their own family, and that's what I recommend you do.

DEAR ABBY: At 78, my dad has given up on life. After a bout with cancer in his 50s, he has gone downhill with severe depression, sleep apnea, heart issues, etc. Dad sleeps about 20 hours a day, and refuses to do anything to improve his quality of life.

My mom is a vibrant woman of 70 who enjoys excellent health. She has many years ahead of her, but her quality of life has diminished because of my father. We encourage her to find some kind of life outside the home through friends, women's groups, church groups, etc., but she's reluctant to leave Dad. She's a youthful person who is, basically, living with a corpse.

I love my father, but his refusal to do anything to make his life better (treat his sleep apnea, get some exercise, take his meds properly) makes me realize he won't change. I hate that two lives are being destroyed because of Dad's choices. How can I make Mom see her life could be better? -- TROUBLED SON IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TROUBLED SON: You and your mom should schedule an appointment with your father's physician to discuss everything you have disclosed to me. His doctor needs to know he sleeps 20 hours a day and isn't compliant in taking his meds. And you need to find out whether your father's condition is improvable at this point, because you may be judging him too harshly.

While your mother's life might improve if she got out more, it's possible that if she took the time away from your dad she would feel too guilty to get the most out of it. If there are family members or friends who would stay with him while she went out, she might be more receptive. Remember, you can always suggest, but don't push.

DEAR ABBY: Our dearest friends' marriage fell apart four years ago. No one had a clue they were having problems, and we were devastated. We were like family and did everything together. Our oldest children grew up as "siblings" and still remain the closest of friends. "Dorothy" remains deeply in love with "Dan."

Dan has just announced he's being remarried. We have remained close to Dorothy (we're still neighbors), but we are also friendly with Dan. Dorothy doesn't know we're on good terms with her ex, nor is she aware that he has invited us to his wedding.

Dan was never mean to her; he gave her everything in the divorce and continues to be a devoted father to their children. An added note: His children appear to like the new woman in their father's life.

Dorothy just heard about the wedding and doesn't think any of her friends should go. We love them both and feel torn. Dorothy is in counseling and I'm hoping it will help her move on.

I don't want to hurt my friend, but I also want to be supportive of Dan. Do you think we should attend? -- CONFLICTED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFLICTED: When Dorothy's children attend their father's wedding, it will be only a short time before Dorothy finds out who was there. While your reason for wanting to attend is perfectly logical, Dorothy isn't thinking rationally and will probably feel abandoned all over again.

If you're willing to put up with the drama that's sure to follow, attend the wedding -- and here's how the rest of the scenario will play out: You will continue to be friendly with Dan and his new wife and socialize with them -- and Dorothy will cut herself off and feel even more isolated, alone and angry. You have described someone who needs the counseling she's receiving, and I sincerely hope it works for her.

DEAR ABBY: Every weekend when I do laundry -- a chore I hate -- my husband has left paper, coins, cigarette lighters, etc. in the pockets of his clothing. Sometimes the items end up getting destroyed in the washing machine. Then he gets upset with me because more than once important papers have been ruined.

He says that since I'm doing the laundry I should check the pockets and remove all items before washing the clothes. I say that because I take the time to do the laundry, he should remove the items himself. Abby, who is right? -- POCKETS FULL OF TROUBLE

DEAR POCKETS: You're both right. He should check his pockets before putting his clothes into the hamper, and you should make sure there's nothing in them before putting them into the machine. And because marriage is a partnership, how about sharing the chore of doing the laundry by alternating each week (or month)?

DEAR ABBY: Could you settle a driving disagreement I'm having with my girlfriend? When you are in traffic behind someone who has stopped and is turning left, should you also put on your turn signal to let the drivers behind you know someone is turning? I say no because you are not the one who is turning. My girlfriend says yes, so people know why the traffic has stopped. -- NOT THE ONE TURNING

DEAR NOT THE ONE: Your girlfriend is well-meaning, but mistaken. You should use your turn indicator when you are making a left turn. It is not up to you -- or your girlfriend -- to let people know why someone up ahead has stopped, nor are you expected to.