DEAR ABBY: My sister died suddenly. She hadn't been ill, and it was a shock. Although she tried hard to have a relationship with me over the years, I had trouble relating to her and we weren't close.

I am sorry to say that I never took the time to get to know her. I'm left now with many questions about the sister I always had, but never really knew.

As her next of kin, I'm responsible for packing up her things, and I came across several journals. I would like to read them because I feel they would help me to understand her better, but I also feel it might be disrespectful to go through something of hers that was so personal.

What do you think? Would it be wrong to read them? I wish I had her here to talk to instead of journals to snoop through. -- REGRETFUL IN OAKLAND

DEAR REGRETFUL: I'm sorry for your loss, and your regrets. Because you would like to know your sibling, I think you should read her journals. While it's sad that you have to make her acquaintance in this way, it would be better than never having known her at all.

DEAR ABBY: I love my wife, but I find it difficult to take her to any function where there will be many people. She doesn't comprehend most conversations. She acts like she's listening, but if prompted for a reply, it's obvious she wasn't.

While she doesn't seem to care, I find it embarrassing. People tend to shy away from her, leaving her by herself. Because of this, we don't often get invited back. At Christmas, when I received my invitation to the annual office party, I sent my regrets.

If I try to talk to my wife about this issue, she gets defensive and accuses me of picking on her. Advice? -- THE NORTH 40 IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NORTH 40: It would be interesting to know if your wife's problem is an inability to comprehend English well, a hearing problem or a social anxiety disorder. Of course, we'll never know unless you're able to have an honest conversation with her about it and explain how it affects you. If there is a solution, your wife will have to want to find it.

As to functions having to do with business, if she's uncomfortable in that environment, then you should attend without her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a secretary who happens to make really good coffee. An employee who works in the building likes my coffee and has made himself comfortable at my desk in the morning before he starts work and afterward, before his second job.

I am not comfortable with this. He plants himself at my desk, and I find myself having to work around him. He has become a fixture in my office and I need it to stop. How can I go about this without hurting his feelings? -- NOT HIS BARISTA

DEAR NOT: From where I sit, it looks like the man may have a crush on you. Because you want less of his company, tell him you need to get to work -- or get your work finished -- and that his presence at your desk is distracting. Tell him you're flattered that he likes your coffee and he's welcome to a cup, but he needs to drink it elsewhere. If you say it pleasantly, his feelings shouldn't be hurt.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my husband, "Scott," started attending church. He had never gone in the few years we dated.

We discussed our feelings about religion before we became engaged. He comes from a family that attended church every Sunday and believes in God. I was raised the exact opposite; I'm an atheist. I told Scott that if we had children, I would be OK with him taking them to church, but I would not join them. It bothered him a little, but we talked it over and moved on.

After a difficult year that led to some mild depression (for which Scott sought help), he started going to church. I was happy for him because it seemed to help him.

After a few weeks he asked me to go with him. I went several times, but felt uncomfortable. I feel like a fraud sitting in the pew. Scott says he "wants my support" and that means attending with him. I suspect he's embarrassed to be there without his wife.

I do not enjoy it. I have been offended by some of the messages that were imparted, and I would prefer having a couple of hours to myself on Sundays.

Abby, what should I do? Is there any middle ground here? -- FEELING COERCED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR FEELING COERCED: Tell Scott that you are happy he has found comfort in going to church, but that you are not comfortable with what is being preached and find some of it offensive. Remind him that church attendance was not part of your agreement when you married him and that you value your solitary time at home the same way he appreciates the service.

While you might relent and go with him on major holidays -- some non-believing spouses do that -- there really isn't a middle ground, and because you feel so strongly about it, you should stand yours.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two girls. One of them has a lot of emotional problems. My husband is gone for months at a time due to his job. I have told him many times that I want him to find another job that would have him home more often. He always says that there are no jobs that will pay what he's making now.

I know that we need a good-paying job, but I need my husband home and my girls need their father. With all of our daughter's issues, everything falls on my shoulders and I don't feel I can handle it alone much longer. We don't live near family, and I have found it hard to make friends due to my daughter's acting out. How do I get my husband to understand? -- MARRIED SINGLE MOM

DEAR MOM: I understand how stressful it must be to have all the responsibility for raising your daughters on your shoulders. And feeling as isolated as you do only intensifies your feelings. If your husband doesn't already understand what you are going through, I doubt there is much you can say that will convince him to quit his lucrative job and help with the children.

Because he is gone so much -- and making good money -- consider moving yourself and your daughters closer to your family so you can have some respite when you need it. And in the meantime, find a therapist for yourself. Perhaps your daughter's doctor or your personal physician can recommend one.

DEAR READERS: Largely because of you, writing this column is a labor of love for me, and I would like to wish you all a very Happy Valentine's Day! -- ABBY

DEAR ABBY: Earlier this year, my sister "Kathy" was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation, and will begin reconstructive surgery soon.

Because of her diagnosis she encouraged me to visit my doctor for an exam. When I did, they found a lump, which needs further testing. I have chosen not to share this with my family because my sisters and parents have been deeply affected by Kathy's diagnosis, and I don't want to cause them needless worry.

My husband is angry and he said that because Kathy is their favorite they wouldn't be concerned anyway. I thought it was insensitive and cruel to me, but more to the point, I felt he wasn't thinking about how upset my doing so might make my family. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- NEEDS FURTHER TESTING

DEAR NEEDS FURTHER TESTING: Certainly not. Your husband's comment illustrates the importance of keeping one's mouth firmly shut if one can't think of something helpful or supportive to say. It almost appears that he is angry at you for the questionable test result.

I can't blame you for not wanting to upset your already stressed family at this point, but if more testing confirms that you, too, have breast cancer, I think it's important that you let them know -- especially your sisters, who might want to be screened sooner than later.

I hope your husband's apparent inability to support you emotionally during this difficult time is an aberration, but if it's not, you will need to find support elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: About 15 years ago I committed a crime against a woman I cared about. I have felt guilt and remorse about it ever since. I can't speak to her or have any contact with her.

I would like to tell her I'm sorry for what happened. I have beaten myself up over this and thought about suicide. What do I do? Please help, Abby. -- SO SORRY IN ST. JOSEPH, MO.

DEAR SO SORRY: The first thing you must do is talk with a mental health professional about your suicidal thoughts. Once you have been stabilized, you should then understand that you may have been forbidden to contact your former friend because what you did was so traumatic that it could cause her to relive the incident, which could further victimize her. If you're looking for forgiveness, forgive yourself and move on -- but leave her out of it.

DEAR ABBY: Is there some sort of etiquette regarding inquiring about someone's country of origin?

While making polite conversation with a customer in my retail shop, I noticed she had an accent and asked where she was from. She became very evasive and seemed offended that I had asked. She actually refused to answer my question.

I tried to recover from the awkward situation, but I can't help but feel I insulted her somehow. Was I wrong to ask? -- FRIENDLY RETAILER IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR RETAILER: Perhaps. Some immigrants to this country feel the question you asked is a very personal one. There can be various reasons for it. The person may feel self-conscious about his or her accent, and you can't know the political situation in the person's country of origin or whether he or she has encountered bias because of where he or she came from.