DEAR ABBY: My husband works full-time, and when he gets home, and also on weekends, he's "exhausted" and needs to relax. He's in bed by 8 every night, and on the weekends, if we don't have something planned, he lies in bed all day napping and watching TV.

However, when he realizes he has a weekend day free (meaning I'm taking our 6-year-old daughter someplace he doesn't need to be), he all of a sudden "finds" the energy to make golf plans, go on outings with friends, etc. If I make plans to hire a baby sitter and it's just us going out, he has the energy and looks forward to it. It's as if he is happiest when he doesn't have to be with our child.

He does give her some attention, but it's just in spurts, and then he's off again to watch TV. I'm tired of asking him to make plans with her or spend time with her. I feel like a nag for something I feel he should want to do. Any advice? -- LIKE A SINGLE PARENT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SINGLE PARENT: You married a man who may have no clue how to be a parent and doesn't know how to relate to a little girl. Children aren't stupid. They know when someone enjoys them and when someone doesn't.

The effect of his lack of interest will have an impact on how your daughter feels about herself when she's older. She will ask herself why her father acts the way he does and blame herself for it. (Aren't I smart enough? Aren't I pretty enough?)

Consider going with your husband to a psychologist who can provide him with some insight -- as well as suggestions -- about how to better relate to his daughter, because it isn't too late to make some changes that could benefit both of them.

DEAR ABBY: I need some outside advice. I just found out that my mother has breast cancer. That is hard enough, but I also found out that she has known for the last 18 months and decided to not take any measures to fight it.

My sisters say we should respect her decision and give her as much support as we can, but I can't help but want to push her to fight this. She said she doesn't want the pain of surgery and possibly chemotherapy. I need someone to help me understand what to do. Please. -- NEEDS SOME HELP IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDS SOME HELP: I don't know at what stage your mother's cancer was at the time of her diagnosis and whether she got a second opinion and counseling. After 18 months of not being treated, I also don't know at what stage it may be now. It may have been too late then -- or it may be too late now.

If she made her decision under the assumption that there would be no pain if she skipped the surgery/chemo, she was incorrect. There is pain either way, although with heavy medication it may be controlled.

I do think you should support her decision and make the best of the time you have together. Your sisters are right -- she will need your support as her disease progresses. My heart goes out to all of you. Please accept my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a large family. We are not wealthy but always loved dressing our children up for holidays. Because the outfits were expensive, as our children outgrew them, we passed them on to my sister-in-law.

When my youngest daughter was born, I asked her about the dresses, and she informed me they were not her style so she had given them away. I was heartbroken, but I never said anything.

My older daughter is not a practicing Catholic, and my younger daughter is not having children at all. I saved their christening gowns, but they don't want them. I would love to pass them on to another family member so they can be used instead of sitting in a trunk, but I don't want them to leave the family or be sold. Is it OK to put stipulations on something you are passing on? -- UNSURE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR UNSURE: You can stipulate whatever you like, but there is no guarantee that the garments will remain in the family. Once a gift is given, it becomes the property of the recipient to keep or dispose of.

DEAR ABBY: If someone did something "nice" for you, but it turned out to cause such a hassle that you didn't appreciate the gesture, how do you politely tell the person not to do it again, or that you wish they hadn't?

An example: Someone gives you a box of chocolates or cupcakes when you are trying to lose weight. Or, the baby sitter folds all the clothes that were sitting in the laundry basket, but puts everything away in the wrong drawers. (And you didn't ask her to fold the laundry in the first place.) -- DON'T DO IT AGAIN

DEAR DON'T: Here's how. Thank the person for the thoughtful gesture and explain that you are watching your diet, cannot have candy and won't be able to for the foreseeable future. If the person is someone who cares about you and is not a saboteur, he or she won't tempt you again without asking first.

As for your baby sitter, while you thank her for trying to help you by folding and putting away your laundry, explain that this isn't something anyone can do for you because you have your own way of doing it, and please not to do it again.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this to relieve a heavy burden I have carried for many years. I'm 16 and have had a crush on this girl since I was 9. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her, and have never gotten over it.

I have always had a problem expressing my feelings. I have been very shy from the day I was born. Now that I'm older, I have more confidence and have lost most of my shyness. What should I do after years of barely talking to her? -- NOT SO SHY ANYMORE

DEAR NOT SO SHY ANYMORE: Now that you have more confidence, start talking to her. You don't have to declare your love in the first conversation, but her reaction will tell you if she wants to have some sort of relationship with you, even if it's only friendship -- and that's an auspicious beginning.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for two years, and my husband has three grown children. He was recently planning a getaway with the youngest and included me in the plans. I didn't want to interfere and suggested that his child might want to spend some one-on-one time with him. I later learned that not only were his other kids going, but their spouses were as well. Everyone was included but me. I felt very hurt to be excluded.

When I shared with him how I felt, his response was that he couldn't control his kids, but I feel he could have controlled his response. To exclude me was deliberate. When I told him how hurt I was, he got less than an inch from my face and started screaming about my kids (who love him like a father). It scared me because he was in my face. I have never had a man scream in my face like that before. I don't know what to do. I was truly terrified. -- LOST IN THE EAST

DEAR LOST: Your husband may have reacted the way he did out of guilt. If you haven't already, tell him that no one has ever spoken to you the way he did and that it terrified you. Tell him that when someone acts that way, the natural conclusion of the person being bullied (which is what he was doing) is to fear the verbal attack will escalate to physical violence.

If he can't explain calmly why he overreacted when you said you were hurt, then the two of you could use some sessions with a marriage counselor. If he refuses to go, go without him. He was less than honest in not disclosing beforehand that everyone but you would be vacationing together. During some of your counseling sessions, consider discussing healthy ways to disagree and the dynamics of "vacations with the kids" -- both his and yours -- in the future.

DEAR ABBY: Years before my dad passed away, he started keeping a notebook he called "Jack's Doomsday Book." In it he listed account numbers and balances, names of banks, passwords, locations of documents and other detailed instructions on how to take over his responsibilities if he was incapacitated. He always told Mom and me that if something happened, to find that notebook in which everything was written down.

Mom died first, so when Dad became ill years later, he made sure I had the notebook. I can't tell you how much easier it made things. I didn't have to go searching through paperwork to figure out what was what. I knew the banks I had to go to and what to bring. It was all there, down to the changes he had made after Mom passed. Even our financial adviser was impressed at how easy Dad made everything for us. Everyone should have a doomsday book. -- JACK'S GIRL IN LOUISIANA

DEAR JACK'S GIRL: I couldn't agree more. I admire your father's pragmatism. Too many adults fail to plan ahead for this kind of inevitability, which causes additional problems for survivors at a time when they are trying to cope with their grief. Readers, if you haven't already done something similar, you should consider it.