DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is his own worst enemy. While my husband and I were dating, we visited his father regularly. Since our marriage, our visits have become less frequent. This is because my husband and I both have demanding jobs, and I am in school. We are BUSY trying to secure a stable life together.

My FIL has taken offense to this. He insists that the real reason we don't visit is because we are angry with him and hate him. We have tried explaining that it isn't so, but he refuses to believe us. He's convinced that he has somehow deeply offended us, and we are refusing to talk about it.

Unfortunately, he obsesses over this every time we DO visit and makes it awkward by guilt-tripping me and my husband, begging us to tell him what he did wrong. He also tries to prevent us from leaving when it's time to go by distracting us with conversation, refusing to see us out the door, and sometimes physically sitting in front of the car so we can't drive off. Neither my husband nor I look forward to visits anymore because they have become such a chore.

My FIL has issues with mental illness (which contribute to his behavior), but he refuses to get help. Worse, he has an elementary school-age child who believes everything he says. The child is convinced we hate and have abandoned them because of hearing my FIL talk. I am frustrated and sad for the child, but my words to my FIL fall on deaf ears. Do you have any advice? -- DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN THE SOUTH

DEAR D.I.L.: Frankly, I am surprised your FIL is not focusing his entire attention on the child who is living at home rather than obsessing about his adult son and you. The man appears to be not only disturbed but also irrational.

Because your husband has dealt with his father his entire life, take your cues from him. If your father-in-law is currently married (I assume he must be because he has a young child living with him), talking to his wife might help. She may be able to help counteract the damage that is being created with the child.

DEAR ABBY: My son is welcoming his first child at the age of 39, and I will be hosting a baby shower for him and his girlfriend. The problem is, I asked him for a list of attendees, and at the top of the list is someone my son and daughter were friends with since middle school. However, a few years ago, she interfered with my daughter's marriage and caused a lot of heartache, so my daughter cut all ties with her.

My son travels a lot. He is not home often and doesn't know the extent of what happened between my daughter and their mutual friend. I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I not invite her, or should I tell my son what happened and suggest he not invite her out of respect for his sister? Or do I tell my daughter this is about her brother, it's only one get-together, and she needs to respect her brother's wishes?

I'm in the middle and not sure what to do. At one time I was close with this girl, but after what she did to my daughter, I haven't spoken to her either. -- GETTING ALONG IN THE EAST

DEAR GETTING ALONG: Your son may travel a lot, but he has a phone. Call him, fill him in and ask how he and his girlfriend want this handled. I'm betting he will tell you to scratch "Miss Troublemaker" off the list.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my mid-30s and about a year ago I went from limited contact to no contact with two siblings and my mother. No single incident caused this, nor was there any history of childhood abuse, etc. I just find I am much happier without their presence in my life.

I am married, content, take joy in my job and am otherwise fulfilled. I do not miss their general negativity, peevish behavior or critical comments. My question is this: Do I owe them an explanation or a place in my life?

I am generally an unsentimental person. I try to be fair. After years of not enjoying our contact, is it OK to finally end it once and for all? -- DETACHED IN TEXAS

DEAR DETACHED: I'm glad you asked me to weigh in on this. You do owe your mother and siblings an explanation. Because what has caused you to withdraw is their "negativity, peevish behavior and critical comments," say so. Turning your back on your family with no explanation at all is cruel, punishing behavior and cowardly.

DEAR ABBY: I have a co-worker with a troubling psychosis that has left me afraid to wear certain colors or say certain words around him. He has allowed a college football rivalry to impact his relationship with co-workers.

I would really like to wear my maize and blue sweater, but I'm fearful of his reaction. He's from Ohio and is negatively obsessed with Michigan. I understand rivalries, but when you won't acknowledge another co-worker from that state and require all your co-workers to refer to Michigan as the "M-State" or you storm off in anger, there is an issue. What should I do? Should I recommend counseling? -- AFRAID IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR AFRAID: I agree that your co-worker may be off the deep end. You should not recommend counseling for this obsessive and immature individual, but someone in authority should. Depending upon how large a company your employer is, discuss what has been happening with human resources or your boss. This is a textbook example of bullying and creating a hostile work environment. Your clothing choices should not be dictated by a fellow employee.

DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful friend who tragically lost her husband 10 years ago. Since then, she and his family have done a balloon launch celebrating his birthday every year. It is sweet and beautiful, and I understand the significance. However, over the years it has become common knowledge how detrimental these massive balloon releases can be to the environment and wildlife.

I would like to suggest trying a different way to celebrate, but I know, even after all these years, she's still mourning and very sensitive about losing her soulmate, so I don't want to upset her. Should I keep my mouth shut, or should I say something? -- REMEMBERING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR REMEMBERING: You can say something, but when you do, rather than making it a statement, it might be less accusatory and better received to pose it as a question. Example: "Have you considered celebrating his life by doing 'X,' which would have less of an impact on wildlife and the environment?"

DEAR ABBY: I was born into a poor family, and my father gave me up for adoption to his well-to-do sister. My narcissistic adoptive mother severely abused me physically, mentally and emotionally as a child, and tormented me financially as an adult. I no longer speak to her.

My biological mother has been attempting to have a relationship with me as her daughter. But I don't regard her as my mother. I don't feel anything toward her. All those years of abuse have left me feeling ... jaded.

My biological mother is still poor, and she constantly asks me for money to help my nieces and nephews with their needs. I understand that they are blood, but I work hard for my money and cannot afford to support them financially. They have had plenty of opportunities in the past to better their lives but decided to live off handouts. How do I find validation that I am a person and not just a piggy bank? -- JADED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR JADED: Considering the circumstances in which you were raised, it may not be easy. A way to find some of that validation would be to start establishing some boundaries in your life. If you can afford to see a licensed mental health professional, you would benefit greatly by scheduling some sessions. Not only will it help you to get your priorities straight, it may also help you to feel less guilty about saying no to relatives with ulterior motives.

DEAR ABBY: I felt compelled to write after seeing your Dec. 15 response to "Anywhere, USA," the hosts seeking guidance about how to respond to the daughter of longtime friends who had recently visited. The daughter had emailed asking for a report on her parents' habits and conduct during their trip.

As a caregiving daughter myself, knowing many other caregiving adult children and belonging to a few support groups for caregivers, I believe inquiring of family friends and other relatives about their loved ones is not wrong or invasive. Our loved ones behave differently in different situations. How they negotiate changes and social situations without the caregiver present may provide important clues and information regarding their mental/cognitive status.

Caregivers try to give their loved ones as much freedom as safely possible. Gaining information about the visit would possibly give clues regarding the ability to travel independently or not, and whether they can still negotiate social and public situations appropriately. These are examples of things that a caregiver will never observe without the eyes of others.

Many caregivers out there read your column, and others who have aging, declining friends with caregiving kids. People must not hesitate to say something when they notice a change in behavior. -- LOYAL READER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR READER: I'm printing your letter because it is representative of the response I received about "Anywhere, USA's" letter. You raise an important issue about how it "takes a village" to band together and to share observations about changes in older people's comportment beyond simple aging.