Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother of two teenagers. I've been seeing my boyfriend, "Sean," for almost five years, and when the pandemic started, he moved in with us. I am supposed to share custody of my teens with their father, alternating weeks. However, his job requires travel, and the kids are with me more often than not, with little to no notice. They are also reaching an age where they don't really want to go to their dad's all the time.

This has caused some tension with my boyfriend. He feels we never get "alone time" anymore. He then withholds affection from me, as if I've done something wrong by having my kids. Since he moved in, our sex life has dwindled to almost nonexistent. He refuses to be intimate when the kids are home, yet he hasn't made the most of the "alone time" we do have when the kids aren't here. He usually goes to bed early, without so much as a goodnight kiss. Or he'll go out on weekend days and not include me.

I have been cheated on in the past, and my insecurities are starting to rear their ugly heads. I don't know how to talk to him because he gets defensive and gaslights any issues I bring up. I don't feel safe sharing my hurt with him, let alone sharing my anger at him for trying to make me feel bad for being a mom. I'm losing hope and feel myself shutting down. How can I approach him in a way that he won't get defensive? -- FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE

DEAR FIGHTING: There are red flags all over your letter. You are going to be an active mother until your children are at least 18. That this man would move into your home and give you heartburn about your responsibilities is terrible. You state that your sex life is over, and when you raise other important issues, he gaslights you. This does not bode well for a healthy future.

His defensiveness when you attempt to have an adult discussion with him isn't your real problem. Getting him out of your home and your life before he wastes any more of your time is what you should focus on.

DEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette when attending an event and sitting at a table with more than six people? I think it's rude to talk to a person across the table. Talking to a person next to you is acceptable. Talking to someone across the table is rude because the other diners must stop talking to the person seated next to them and be forced to listen to your conversation. Seeing this happen is becoming more and more annoying. What do you think? -- FORCED TO LISTEN

DEAR FORCED: While that rule of etiquette may have been true in Edwardian times, table etiquette today is no longer so rigid. While, of course, it is desirable to converse with the guests seated next to you, unless communicating with someone across the table requires one to shout -- which would be distracting and disruptive -- I see nothing rude about it.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, who is 81 and in excellent health, has just suggested that when we feel we can no longer live independent lives (I am 72), we should move closer to his daughter in another state so she and her husband can help us.

Abby, I don't like her husband, and I don't want to be reliant on him, beholden to him or even socialize with him. In the 15 years I have known him, we have never had a conversation. In the beginning, I tried, but he cannot relate to older women. Apparently, he didn't have a good relationship with his mother. His only topics of conversation are his dogs, guns or sports. I have no interest in any of those things.

It breaks my heart that my husband and I may not be spending the last years of our lives together. I'm sure my husband would tell me to "get over" my dislike of his daughter's husband. Do I have to agree to be around someone I have nothing in common with? I don't like the part of the country they live in either. -- NERVOUS IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR NERVOUS: My late mother once told me that parents who count on their adult children "taking care of them" in their old age are often in for a rude awakening. You and your husband are supposed to be equal partners in this marriage. If you dislike not only the man his daughter is married to but also the area of the country in which they live, no law says you are obligated to relocate. I recommend you have that difficult discussion with your spouse soon, preferably in the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in an on-and-off relationship with a woman for three years. We live about two hours apart. In the beginning, our relationship was wonderful. We would see each other on a regular basis and would text and video chat almost daily. We even talked about marriage.

But as time went on, she became more and more distant. She would either take forever to respond back to me or not respond at all. Her excuse was work. She was always working and always had something going on. I then found out she was dealing with a couple of personal things. When I explained to her that relationships are all about communication, she kind of disagreed.

At one point, I was so upset, angry and frustrated that I said some horrible things to her. I even used foul language because of her not communicating. Also, she didn't even bother to take two minutes out of her time to wish me a happy birthday. I always remember her on her birthday.

She is making me out to be the bad guy. I'm so hurt and angry at her because of her refusal to communicate. Abby, what else can I do? Am I really the bad person here? -- UNCERTAIN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Although you refuse to recognize it, this woman HAS been communicating with you. Her behavior indicates that she is nowhere as interested in you as you are in her, which should have become apparent as she became more and more distant.

You are not a bad person, and neither is she. She's just afraid to give you the bad news verbally. In cases like this, there is nothing you can do besides tell her it's apparent she isn't as invested in the relationship as you are and make a graceful exit.

DEAR ABBY: I took a DNA test seven months ago. It came back that the man who raised me is not my biological father. My heart dropped, but I decided to meet my real dad. We have formed a relationship, mostly a good one, and I introduce him as my dad now. My problem is, we hardly know each other or how we react to things.

I had a hard week. My older sister was very rude to me, I had many college exams to take, and my best friend unexpectedly announced she had to go away for six months. I just wanted to run "home," but then I realized I no longer have a home to run to. My dad doesn't know I'm very clingy when I'm upset, so he was oblivious to my constant communications, and I'm sure it came off as annoying.

My mother and I don't get along these days because she hid this secret from me for 25 years. Also, I mostly just wanted to go over to his house because my three little siblings are there, and I actually feel like we're a family. What do you think, Abby? Am I too clingy? Is it understandable? How do I explain to him that I need to see them more? If he tells me no, how do I handle that? -- ADJUSTING IN OHIO

DEAR ADJUSTING: If you want a better relationship with your biological father, slow down and let him get to know you gradually. A way to accomplish this would be to mend fences with your mother, believe it or not. Yes, she should have told you about your biological father years ago, but she may have had reasons for not doing so. One of them may have been embarrassment.

You ask, "Am I being too clingy?" The answer is yes. You stand a better chance of building a solid relationship with your bio-dad, his wife and your half-siblings if you don't overwhelm them when you are feeling so needy. Your chances of finding the emotional support you need would be better if you talk with a counselor at the student health center at your college when you are as stressed as you are.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I inherited our mother's condo some years ago. She wants to sell it; I do not. She has harangued me nonstop with inane scenarios of what "could" happen with our heirs if we don't sell, even going so far as to threaten, "If we don't sell it now, I don't think I will want to sell." I don't even know what that means.

Because I was fed up, I agreed to sell. The problem is, at this point, I don't even like her. I'm not mad -- I just abhor the way she harangued me. I don't think I'll ever want to talk to her again, and I feel sad about that. Any thoughts? -- SIBLING DISASTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SIBLING: It is unfortunate (but not uncommon) for money to drive a wedge between family members. When your sister started her harangue, you should have inserted your lawyer into the negotiation. Because you wished to keep the unit, you could have bought her half from her, leaving you both with what you wanted. If it's not too late, give it some consideration. As to never wanting to talk to your sister, I hope with time your feelings will mellow and fences can be mended.