DEAR ABBY: I am 76. My husband and I planned our final wishes for cremation because I have had a lifelong fear of being buried underground. My children from my first marriage are Jewish and very much against cremation. When I told them my wishes, they attacked me with a barrage of negatives about cremation, such as, "You won't go to heaven," "You won't see your deceased mother or grandson in heaven," "We won't be able to say kaddish for you," etc., so I immediately changed my plans. My husband and I purchased side-by-side crypts, thinking it was an acceptable alternative.

I was wrong. For the last month, they have continued to push me to change to a regular burial. I finally had enough and told them to respect my choices and never discuss this with me again. So now, no contact at all except an occasional text from my grandchildren. Any advice or help would be appreciated. -- UNHAPPY IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNHAPPY: I assume from your letter that you are neither a conservative nor an orthodox Jew. Because your question involves Jewish law (which is outside my area of expertise), I ran your question by the most brilliant rabbi I know, Rabbi Elliot Dorff, who teaches at the American Jewish University in Los Angeles. In part, this is what he had to say:

"The prohibition against cremation comes from the belief that your body belongs to God, not to you personally. It's not unlike renting an apartment. Part of the lease agreement is that you will not destroy or harm the property before you cease residency. (There is no restriction on piercing, which was practiced by Jewish women and men from the time of the exodus from Egypt. As for tattooing, the restriction against it goes back to the days when the Jews were fighting with the Canaanites, who used tattooing in their religious rites.)

"The restriction regarding cremation came about because of the belief that it is actively destroying God's property. According to the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards, cremation is prohibited, but if people do that their cremains may be buried in a Jewish cemetery -- but, unlike what your children are threatening, it has nothing to do with what happens after death. There are differences on this subject. Nobody knows what happens after death, not even rabbis. Jewish people have a positive commandment to save a life. Organ donation would be an example of this. Although it might be considered 'damaging a body,' saving a life takes precedence."

Rabbi Dorff said your children need to know there's a disagreement among rabbis as to whether interment in a mausoleum is equivalent to burial in the ground. So, cremation may be "out" for you, but you can be laid to rest next to your husband in a crypt. What is of utmost importance is that your relationship with your children be restored. In the precious time you are on this side of the sod, you and your children need to be able to love and enjoy each other. Weapons like threats and blackmail should not be used.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is an attention-seeker. She's very loud and talks in a baby voice so that everyone looks at her. She made my wedding shower and, years later, my baby shower all about her and the gifts she gave. Not only did it take the spotlight from my husband and me, but it made other family members' gifts or contributions seem inadequate. She always has to give the biggest and best (while letting everyone know) and distract from other people's special moments.

My daughter is being married in a year and a half. She has already told me she doesn't want Grandma "Dorothy" to come dress shopping because she doesn't want to be embarrassed, but she does want my mom and her fiance's mom and grandmother to be there. I have told her that she has to invite Grandma Dorothy.

I do love my mother-in-law, and I want her to come to all of the festivities. The problem is she gets irrationally mad if you ask her to modify her behavior in any way. My question is, how do I ask her to reel it in without offending her or making her mad? My husband's solution is to ignore his mother's behavior. -- CRINGING IN MISSOURI

DEAR CRINGING: It's time to step out of the way on this matter. You seem to have forgotten that this upcoming wedding is not your wedding, but your daughter's. Her wishes about who should attend what should prevail. If she understands the ramifications of excluding Grandma Dorothy and is willing to forgo the lavish gifts and contributions her grandmother bestows, then that should be her privilege. Further, the person who conveys that message should be your daughter, not you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been separated for six months due to verbal abuse, physical abuse (both of us) and financial dishonesty and abuse (him). We have worked to better ourselves, and the separation has helped us realize that we do love each other and are committed to changing our ways.

I was preparing to move back home, and I informed him that I am going to go on a trip before a required medical procedure. I will be spending the summer recovering from this procedure, and I want to do something fun before I'm laid up for the next several months. I plan to go with my brother, his wife and another sister-in-law. My husband feels it is disrespectful for me to go on this trip. He said that if I go, I should expect divorce papers. Thoughts? -- BIG DECISION IN MONTANA

DEAR BIG DECISION: If your husband feels your going on the trip is disrespectful to him because he wasn't invited, go without him and make other arrangements for your recuperation. Someone who has worked successfully to better himself does not give ultimatums like the one he has given you. If you skip the trip, this is only the beginning of how he will threaten you in the future. Love him, if you will, but do not reunite with him.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have been married seven years. I was celibate before we met and thrilled to have a partner I respected and was attracted to. Our sex life seemed normal and exciting with lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day.

Recently, I caught him on a phone sex call and then discovered he visits sex chat rooms. I'm devastated. I feel betrayed and angry that my trust has been violated. After several attempts to lie, he finally admitted the truth, but said it was a "recent" thing -- which was even more insulting!

My therapist says men don't suddenly take up phone sex and pornography in their 70s. When I shared that with my husband, he revealed it wasn't "as often" in the past. He swears he loves me and will get help, but I can't imagine how I can trust him again.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any further, other than taking some online classes dealing with porn addiction. Our relationship has always been cordial and friendly and that continues, though I'm no longer willing to have sex at this time. My impulse is to bolt. I'm too old to deal with this nonsense, and I just want to live the rest of my life in peace. What do you think? -- THROWN IN KANSAS

DEAR THROWN: Please ignore your impulse to bolt. When you started your letter, you stated you had a good marriage to a man you respect and are attracted to -- with the bonus of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Your husband isn't having physical contact with anyone on the "hotline."

If your therapist hasn't told you, many thousands of individuals of both sexes consider porn to be erotica and helpful, and many couples use it to enhance their sex lives. Rather than sacrifice what has been a successful marriage, you and your husband would be better off scheduling some appointments with a marriage and family therapist, and possibly one who specializes in sex therapy to help you overcome your emotional issue on this highly personal subject.

DEAR ABBY: My former husband of 28 years cheated on me for the last 15 years of our marriage. For the last six years, I have been in a healthy and happy relationship. I went to counseling for five years and, per the counselor, I don't need to go anymore.

My 36-year-old daughter wants me to attend family gatherings with my ex and his wife (his third mistress). I have gone to two of them, but I really have no desire to do it any longer. My daughter is telling me I still have "issues that I need to heal" and has been lecturing me about this for years. Must I sacrifice my feelings for hers? -- CLEAN BREAK IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR CLEAN BREAK: No, you have suffered enough. I see no reason why you must continue to expose yourself to the company of two people you neither like nor respect. If your daughter cannot accept this, then perhaps she needs counseling to understand it.