DEAR ABBY: My husband and I retired a few years ago to a neighborhood where most of the residents are our age, and we have become friendly with the widow next door. My husband and I help her out with any minor home issues she runs into and some light gardening. We are happy to do this. She and I also occasionally get together for coffee.

She recently called to invite us to dinner at her house with her sister (whom we have met) and her sister's husband. Abby, I don't want to start socializing over dinners with her. My husband and I are introverts, and I have anxiety issues. Although I have entertained on a small scale occasionally over the years (usually just one couple), I become extremely anxious and I'm miserable until it is over. I want my retirement years to be as stress-free as possible. We also are particular about the foods we eat. She sends food over occasionally that I end up throwing out.

Her brother lives close by, keeps completely to himself and has nothing to do with any neighbors. I'm thinking of telling her (or using the excuse) that my husband is pretty much like her brother and isn't interested in getting together for dinners. Is this rude, or is there a more polite way of doing it? -- SEEKING STRESS-FREE IN THE EAST

DEAR SEEKING: Your neighbor may have invited you for dinner as a way to repay the many favors you and your husband have done for her. Do NOT tell her your husband is "like her brother," because you don't know the reason her brother is the way he is.

A preferable solution to your problem would be to be honest. Tell her you enjoy your occasional coffees together, but you have anxiety issues, which is why, although you like her very much, you would not be comfortable socializing with her sister and brother-in-law.

DEAR ABBY: I am married, but it isn't perfect. My husband of seven years, for whatever reason, doesn't like my family. My mom has now been diagnosed with early dementia. I want her to come live with us, but he doesn't want that. If I even go by her home, he has a problem. I'm torn between saving my marriage or taking care of Mom. Please help me figure out what to do. -- NEEDED IN THE VIRGIN ISLANDS

DEAR NEEDED: It's time to carefully evaluate the quality of your marriage. When you married your husband, you promised to stay with him until death do you part. If your mother were out of the equation, would your marriage be better? Is he this controlling in other areas of your life?

Taking in a parent with dementia can be a full-time job. Are there other relatives who could take her in if you offer to participate in the care she will need? You have a lot of thinking to do, my friend. IF you were to end your marriage, would you have the stamina to care for your mother until the end?

DEAR ABBY: Should I be mad at the father of my unborn child for not coming with me to travel out of the country? My cousin is being married in Mexico. However, my partner, "Gabriel," isn't going because one of his good friends is getting married the same weekend.

We found out only recently that I am pregnant, and by the time my cousin's wedding comes around, I'll be five months along. My family will be going, but they already booked their flights, which are now sold out, so I will have to travel pregnant and alone in Mexico.

The night I found out I was pregnant, Gabriel told me he would go with me, as he didn't want the mother of his unborn child to travel alone to a different country. However, as the wedding got closer, he said he no longer wants to go, as it will be expensive and he'd miss his friend's wedding.

Abby, am I wrong for being upset that he doesn't want to come with me? I think I'm more disappointed because I assumed he'd want to be protective in this situation, but it almost feels like he's choosing his friend over us. I know I am biased and my emotions are high, but I really want to be level-headed about this and try to understand. -- EXPECTANT TRAVELER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TRAVELER: Forgive me if this seems harsh, but what you should understand is your partner is self-centered and more concerned with the good time he will have with his buddy than he is about the soon-to-be mother of his child. This should be an indication of the kind of husband and father he may make if you plan to marry him.

That said, if your doctor says you are OK to travel, your family will be around to keep an eye on you, so you shouldn't be in danger. The independence you demonstrate now may be necessary in whatever future you have with -- or without -- your partner.

DEAR ABBY: I can't understand why my mom kept the last name of her ex-husband (my stepfather), who sexually abused me and my sister as children. She knew all about it after I broke down and told her when I was 10. She stayed married to him for years afterward, with my sister and me in the house. Keeping that monster away from me was hell on earth.

Mom now has dementia, and I take good care of her. I made sure I had a good, healthy life and relationships, and also made sure to protect my child from abuse. I'm trying to not be angry, sad and damaged. I don't live every day thinking about it. Am I too sensitive? -- SURVIVOR IN INDIANA

DEAR SURVIVOR: Too sensitive? I don't think so. Considering the circumstances, your feelings are normal. I admire you for stepping up and making sure that your mother is well taken care of in spite of the fact that she didn't do that for you.

As a victim of sexual abuse, you should have received counseling years ago. If that didn't happen, it could benefit you greatly to get some now. A place to find what you need would be RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline, which can be reached online at rainn.org or by calling (toll-free) 800-656-4673.

DEAR ABBY: My sister has a squawky bird she insists on keeping alongside the dinner table when she invites guests for dinner. Its ear-piercing screeching inhibits guests' ability to carry on normal conversation, so I asked her if, in the future, she could please put the bird in another room during dinner. She responded that the bird is a family member. I said, "So are children, but they aren't permitted to run around the dining table screeching when there is company over."

This year, when we returned for another dinner, she pulled the bird and its cage even closer to the table and the person sitting next to her than last time. She apparently decided the comfort of her guests is not as important as her closeness to the bird.

I don't know how to address this in the future when she disregards my feedback. Aside from the squawking, it's not appealing to have a birdcage pulled up alongside a dinner table, or to have the host constantly distracted and conversation interrupted. What is your advice? -- NERVE-WRACKED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NERVE-WRACKED: Because it's clear your advice wasn't appreciated, the next time you are invited to a dinner party at your sister's home, feel free to say you are busy. The only bird at the table should be a nice roasted chicken or a stuffed turkey.

DEAR ABBY: I have my car detailed at a car wash near the beach. When I took my car there, I forgot to remove the spare change I keep for parking meters and laundry machines. When I got my car back, about eight dollars in quarters and dollar coins were missing. Dimes, nickels and pennies were left behind. I emailed the owner the next day.

The owner called me, apologized and refunded the full price of my car detail. I told him the refund wasn't necessary and that I only wanted him to know what had happened. Because I used the word "steal" in my email, he took offense. I replied on the phone that the money was gone after I got my car back. He said he wished me well, and I replied, "Are you saying you no longer want to do business with me?"

Now I feel bad. I did nothing wrong and only tried to alert him to a problem with his workers. As the saying goes, "No good deed goes unpunished." What do I do now, or should have I done differently? -- SUFFERING FOR TRYING TO HELP

DEAR SUFFERING: Do not let one bad apple spoil the barrel. Of course you should have informed the owner of the business about what happened. By comping the price of the car wash for your $8 loss, he did his best to make things right.

If the conversation you had with him was civil, he likely wants you to continue doing business with him. The next time you go in, make a point of smoothing things over. In the future, remember to remove your valuables from the car when you go.