DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years, together for five. He's a wonderful man I love dearly. I always felt called to be a mother, and he has expressed the same about being a father. He would be an incredible father, and I'd love nothing more than to raise children with him.

The conflict is that, over the past year or so, I have learned much more about pregnancy and childbirth and what they can put the mother through emotionally and physically. A number of my friends who have given birth recently had serious complications.

Abby, after learning all this information, I'm terrified of being pregnant. So many things can go wrong, and I have a chronic illness that likely will be exacerbated by pregnancy. I also question the ethics of bringing a child into this world, knowing how horrible a place it is, and there are so many children who need a home already, but that's minor compared to my fear of health issues.

My husband does not want to adopt our first child unless we are unable to conceive or I am unable to carry the child, but he's open to adopting after we've tried for one of our own. Adoption or surrogacy isn't financially feasible for us anyway.

I don't know how to tell him I don't want to carry a child -- ever. We are a little older, so my biological clock is ticking. How can I get over my terror to give us something we both deeply want? -- TERRIFIED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TERRIFIED: I discussed your letter with Beverly Hills OB/GYN Michele Milovina. The first words out of her mouth were, "That's a very common question," if it makes you feel any better.

Dr. Milovina went on to say that if someone (like yourself) is afraid because of a preexisting health condition, it's time to schedule a preconception visit with their OB/GYN or with a perinatologist. A perinatologist is a physician who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. You can then get real percentages and numbers and make an informed decision.

If you are still fearful, a reproductive psychiatrist (yes, there is such a specialty) may help to quell your fears. You can include your husband in these visits because this is a decision that should be made together with him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm part of a group of four girlfriends. We gather for all of our birthdays and treat the birthday girl to dinner at a restaurant of her choice. However, one girl in the group orders several expensive cocktails, and the bill comes out to be a fortune. She seems to have no regard when it comes to the bill.

This friend's birthday is coming up soon, and she has chosen a very pricey restaurant where the bill will be a minimum of $900 for four people. I'm scared to think about it. How do we nicely tell her she has gone overboard, or do we just not say anything at all? -- TOO MUCH IN MIAMI, FLA.

DEAR TOO MUCH: What "we" say to the birthday girl is that her choice of this restaurant is going to cost more than any of you can comfortably afford, and to please make another selection that will fit into your budgets. Order a bottle of wine and skip the cocktails.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I retired a few years ago to a neighborhood where most of the residents are our age, and we have become friendly with the widow next door. My husband and I help her out with any minor home issues she runs into and some light gardening. We are happy to do this. She and I also occasionally get together for coffee.

She recently called to invite us to dinner at her house with her sister (whom we have met) and her sister's husband. Abby, I don't want to start socializing over dinners with her. My husband and I are introverts, and I have anxiety issues. Although I have entertained on a small scale occasionally over the years (usually just one couple), I become extremely anxious and I'm miserable until it is over. I want my retirement years to be as stress-free as possible. We also are particular about the foods we eat. She sends food over occasionally that I end up throwing out.

Her brother lives close by, keeps completely to himself and has nothing to do with any neighbors. I'm thinking of telling her (or using the excuse) that my husband is pretty much like her brother and isn't interested in getting together for dinners. Is this rude, or is there a more polite way of doing it? -- SEEKING STRESS-FREE IN THE EAST

DEAR SEEKING: Your neighbor may have invited you for dinner as a way to repay the many favors you and your husband have done for her. Do NOT tell her your husband is "like her brother," because you don't know the reason her brother is the way he is.

A preferable solution to your problem would be to be honest. Tell her you enjoy your occasional coffees together, but you have anxiety issues, which is why, although you like her very much, you would not be comfortable socializing with her sister and brother-in-law.

DEAR ABBY: I am married, but it isn't perfect. My husband of seven years, for whatever reason, doesn't like my family. My mom has now been diagnosed with early dementia. I want her to come live with us, but he doesn't want that. If I even go by her home, he has a problem. I'm torn between saving my marriage or taking care of Mom. Please help me figure out what to do. -- NEEDED IN THE VIRGIN ISLANDS

DEAR NEEDED: It's time to carefully evaluate the quality of your marriage. When you married your husband, you promised to stay with him until death do you part. If your mother were out of the equation, would your marriage be better? Is he this controlling in other areas of your life?

Taking in a parent with dementia can be a full-time job. Are there other relatives who could take her in if you offer to participate in the care she will need? You have a lot of thinking to do, my friend. IF you were to end your marriage, would you have the stamina to care for your mother until the end?

DEAR ABBY: Should I be mad at the father of my unborn child for not coming with me to travel out of the country? My cousin is being married in Mexico. However, my partner, "Gabriel," isn't going because one of his good friends is getting married the same weekend.

We found out only recently that I am pregnant, and by the time my cousin's wedding comes around, I'll be five months along. My family will be going, but they already booked their flights, which are now sold out, so I will have to travel pregnant and alone in Mexico.

The night I found out I was pregnant, Gabriel told me he would go with me, as he didn't want the mother of his unborn child to travel alone to a different country. However, as the wedding got closer, he said he no longer wants to go, as it will be expensive and he'd miss his friend's wedding.

Abby, am I wrong for being upset that he doesn't want to come with me? I think I'm more disappointed because I assumed he'd want to be protective in this situation, but it almost feels like he's choosing his friend over us. I know I am biased and my emotions are high, but I really want to be level-headed about this and try to understand. -- EXPECTANT TRAVELER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TRAVELER: Forgive me if this seems harsh, but what you should understand is your partner is self-centered and more concerned with the good time he will have with his buddy than he is about the soon-to-be mother of his child. This should be an indication of the kind of husband and father he may make if you plan to marry him.

That said, if your doctor says you are OK to travel, your family will be around to keep an eye on you, so you shouldn't be in danger. The independence you demonstrate now may be necessary in whatever future you have with -- or without -- your partner.

DEAR ABBY: I can't understand why my mom kept the last name of her ex-husband (my stepfather), who sexually abused me and my sister as children. She knew all about it after I broke down and told her when I was 10. She stayed married to him for years afterward, with my sister and me in the house. Keeping that monster away from me was hell on earth.

Mom now has dementia, and I take good care of her. I made sure I had a good, healthy life and relationships, and also made sure to protect my child from abuse. I'm trying to not be angry, sad and damaged. I don't live every day thinking about it. Am I too sensitive? -- SURVIVOR IN INDIANA

DEAR SURVIVOR: Too sensitive? I don't think so. Considering the circumstances, your feelings are normal. I admire you for stepping up and making sure that your mother is well taken care of in spite of the fact that she didn't do that for you.

As a victim of sexual abuse, you should have received counseling years ago. If that didn't happen, it could benefit you greatly to get some now. A place to find what you need would be RAINN, the national sexual assault hotline, which can be reached online at rainn.org or by calling (toll-free) 800-656-4673.