DEAR ABBY: I chaired an event with a local service organization. Many hours were exhausted with planning and decorating. During the program, a few members playfully started throwing some items from the centerpieces at the guest speakers. By the end of the program, most of the room's centerpieces were dismantled and on the floor.

My committee had the job of cleanup, which was difficult and tedious. We felt the many hours we spent planning and doing hard work were disrespected because of these juvenile antics. This was an end-of-year program, ringing in new officers and celebrating a wonderful previous year, and there are always some lighthearted shenanigans. But I've never experienced total chaos before. Should I say something or chalk it up to celebrating a successful year's end? -- FLABBERGASTED IN TEXAS

DEAR FLABBERGASTED: Were these lighthearted members drunk or just disorderly? "Lightheartedly" destroying the centerpieces and throwing parts of them at the speakers? How disrespectful to everyone involved, not to mention potentially dangerous! I don't think what happened should be ignored. By all means, speak up. You and the other committee members are certainly entitled to let the perpetrators know how it made you feel. You're not the only person who is flabbergasted. So am I.

DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my friend "Lila" that I think she'd be happier if she got divorced? To be clear, I don't think her relationship is unsafe -- it's just unhappy. Things have been rocky with her wife for a while now. They keep trying to work things out, but every few months, something new comes up or becomes a problem again.

Lila cares deeply about her wife. She really wants to make things work, but I constantly hear she feels neglected and unattractive because of how her wife treats her. I'm obviously only hearing half the story, but it seems like Lila is putting in all the effort to make the relationship work, and her wife isn't responding in kind.

Part of the problem may be that Lila is introverted and doesn't have many friends besides her wife and me, which may be why she clings so hard to that relationship. I think both of them would be happier if they stopped trying to make the marriage work and went back to being friends, but I don't know how to tell Lila that, or even if I should. Please help. -- LISTENING IN MARYLAND

DEAR LISTENING: Stay out of it. Lila needs a friend and a sounding board at this point, not a life coach. If her marriage is as dysfunctional as you have described, she will figure out sooner or later whether it's time to "dial it back" or to end it. Understand that when divorces happen, most couples don't "go back to being friends" unless there are children involved.

DEAR ABBY: What can I buy for Christmas for my brother who is terminally ill with cancer? Nothing seems right -- not music, books or any of the things he has always enjoyed. I'm at a loss. Any thoughts? -- SADDENED IN OREGON

DEAR SADDENED: I am so sorry about your brother's diagnosis. The surest way to give him something he will enjoy would be to ask him what he would like. His activities may be diminished, but he can point you in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: Our friend "Carrie" revealed to our close friend group that for the last few years she has been having an affair with her best friend "Julia's" husband. Their kids are best friends, and they spend a lot of time together, even taking family vacations.

We have told Carrie many times how this can affect the kids, which she acknowledges, but the affair continues. This dirty secret is becoming increasingly difficult to keep because we love Julia, but nobody wants to be the messenger. Should we tell Julia, or wait until it inevitably comes out? -- ROTTEN IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR ROTTEN: Are you sure Julia knows nothing about the affair and hasn't chosen to ignore it? Julia has children who still live at home. If you spill the beans, what will it do to the intact lifestyle they presumably enjoy? If you prefer not to hear any more about Carrie's hijinks, tell her you don't want to know any more. But I vote for keeping your mouth shut when it comes to making the revelations.

DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have been married for three years and have an 8-month-old son. She stays home to care for the baby. My son works from home as well. He has now taken a second job to make ends meet, so three days a week he works 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. and then leaves from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. and returns home at 11 p.m.

His wife believes in co-sleeping, which means she sleeps in the bed with the baby, while my son sleeps on a mattress on the floor. This has been going on since the child was born. My son also does 80% of the cooking. They live a thousand miles away, so I can't help. He is almost her slave. I don't want to say anything, but I would like their marriage to last. What should I do? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: The last thing you need to do is interfere. Unless your son complains to you about the arrangement, stay out of it. If the situation becomes intolerable, your son will deal with it.

DEAR ABBY: It's been five years since my position as professor at a small graduate school ended. I was forced out after 30 years of teaching, and two years short of my announced retirement date. I did nothing wrong. The reasons given were vague. Being deprived of a solid explanation hurt me deeply.

There was no severance pay and no benefits. I lost a substantial amount of income at a crucial point in my life, but no one seemed to give that a thought. For a long time, I was heartsick. I cannot yet find it in myself to forgive the dean and the president of the school. But somehow, I feel I should. How do I get unstuck? I've actually moved on in many ways, but I just can't forgive. -- HURTING STILL

DEAR HURTING: Here's how to get unstuck: Find a competent attorney who specializes in wrongful termination and discuss what was done to you. Follow the attorney's advice, and when you are properly compensated, you are likely to be in a far more forgiving mood than you are today.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, whom I dearly love, is going through some difficult times. She confides in me about her troubles, and I gladly listen and give advice. Although I am willing to listen and help, I feel she would really benefit from seeing a therapist to help her overcome some of her challenges. I also know that her decisions are hers to make, and I don't want my perspectives to get between us when I say something she may disagree with.

How can I recommend she get professional help without it sounding like I'm pushing her away and discouraging her from sharing her feelings with me? When I mentioned therapy a few years ago, she said I should be her therapist. I told her that was sweet, but therapists have unique skills that I don't have.

My sister is on a very limited income, and I'm not certain what it would cost through her insurance. She does feel therapy is "good," but has never actually done it. She often says she can handle these issues on her own, and I suspect she'd be resistant to counseling because it would be like surrendering. Advice? -- HELPFUL SISTER IN COLORADO

DEAR SISTER: Tell your sister you love her, but you would like her to discuss her issues with a licensed psychotherapist because, in the years she has been confiding in you, she hasn't made progress. It's the truth. Point her in the direction of her health insurance company, because it can provide her with a list of approved therapists. If that isn't affordable, low-cost counseling may be available through the local department of mental health services or from a college or university that has a department of psychology.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest daughter will be getting married in three months. I am 69 and have been a widower for six years. I have been dating a widow, "Rose," who was a high school friend I bumped into at church while she was in town caring for her mother after our spouses passed away. She is well-accepted by my family and friends.

Rose is concerned about her role in the wedding. I have discussed this with her and indicated that her role is to be a guest of the wedding couple as well as my date for the evening. I believe this is appropriate and the right way to address this situation. I would appreciate any additional comments or suggestions you may have. -- FATHER OF THE BRIDE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FATHER: I gather from your question that you may be receiving some pressure from your lady friend to participate in the wedding. She may be well-accepted by the family, but if your youngest daughter and her fiance wanted Rose to be more than a welcome guest, they would have invited her to be part of the bridal party. Tell Rose that she is your date, and her role is to attend, have a good time with you and support the happy couple.