Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My relationship with my partner hasn't been the greatest, but we are both working on ourselves to become better partners. Recently, I found out he has been texting another female (flirting). He 100% swore to me nothing more has happened besides the texting. He claims he likes the attention. This other woman knows he's in a relationship. How can I move forward from this? Before I found out, things were starting to get better. Now I'm not sure how to feel. I want to move past this, but I'm hurting. Help! -- TAKEN ABACK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: I understand that you are hurting, and I am sincerely sorry. Your partner has some serious flaws that you shouldn't take lightly. First, he is so insecure that he needs constant validation that he's attractive -- more validation than one woman can give him. Shovel as fast as you could, and you probably would never be able to fill that hole. Second, he may also have an honesty problem. While I don't usually advise readers to contact the "other woman," in your case, if you do, you may learn enough to decide whether it would be in your best interest to move on.

DEAR ABBY: Our parents and grandparents have passed. There are five of seven siblings left. When we were living at home, holidays were special and celebrated on the actual day. Once we moved away and started families of our own, it became difficult to get together every year on the exact date of the holiday. Some of us remained single; others wanted to spend the day with in-laws or at home with spouses and children. We still wanted to get together, so some years we gather on the actual holiday or the day or weekend before or after. This seemed like a great compromise.

Thirty years ago, one of our siblings decided that he wouldn't join us for any holidays, including birthdays, unless they were celebrated on the exact day. With different work schedules, travel and other family obligations, accommodating the wishes of the one sibling has been impractical. We have missed him greatly over the years as we continue gathering to celebrate as a family. We are now in our 60s, and grandchildren and their families are added to the mix. How can we convince our missing sibling to join us for holidays whenever we are able to get together as a family versus him staying home alone? -- MOURNING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MOURNING: When the family gathers, call and FaceTime your absent sibling so he can see the merriment he is missing. Tell him you wish he could be there celebrating with you. However, after 30 years of self-imposed exile, do not expect him to change his pattern, because it's unlikely to happen.

DEAR ABBY: How do I politely tell people I don't like having anyone visit me in my home? My home is my safe haven. The energy of the outside world drains me, and I don't want that feeling inside my home. This includes family members, friends, neighbors, church family and anyone else who might come knocking on my door. I have anxiety and some unresolved trauma I'm working through that contributes to this. I'm happy to meet in a public place or visit someone in their home if we are both comfortable with it. My family cannot understand why I'm like this. They think they have a right to my space simply because they are family. I don't mind anyone thinking I'm weird, but how do I respond without feeling like I have to explain myself? -- INTROVERT IN TENNESSEE

DEAR INTROVERT: Do not allow anyone to make you feel defensive. If you want to get your point across, simply repeat what you told me. It is succinct, it conveys your feelings, and your feelings should be respected.

DEAR ABBY: Is it OK to grieve the loss of an ex-husband from your early 20s if you've been happily married to someone else for 35 years? I'm not sure my present husband wouldn't somehow be hurt by my feelings over the loss. Losing my ex makes me feel bruised inside and represents the end of an era for me. I'm already dreading the loss of my present husband. We have shared so much in our many years together. -- SENSITIVE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SENSITIVE: Nobody lives forever, and it is a waste of time to fear the inevitable. Because someone dies doesn't mean the person must be evicted from our heart. People don't necessarily "get over" the death of a loved one. Many learn to live with and manage the ache. My experience has shown me that although death may close a chapter of our lives, it doesn't mean another one won't open.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 years old, I have my master's degree and work for a large technology and data company in Georgia. I make great money, live on my own and travel often. All that being said, I am having a really hard time finding guys who match up to that. At times, I feel like I'm entertaining men who aren't on my level.

I'd like to be "equally yoked" with my partner, but I sometimes settle because some people have told me my standards are too high. Do you have any advice for a young woman who wants to be in a relationship, but only with a guy who checks all the boxes? -- YEARNING FOR LOVE IN ATLANTA

DEAR YEARNING: Yes. Start editing that list of yours, because limiting yourself to someone who "checks all the boxes" may make it difficult to find a partner with whom you can be "equally yoked." And that's no "yoke."

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law thinks he is good with his hands. He built a deck on the back of his house, and it's obvious that he's not a professional. My husband and I have never sat on his deck because it doesn't look safe. (Others have said the same thing.) He bragged to me about how he got away with not having to pull any permits and never had the city inspect it while he was building it. He also didn't have it inspected when it was finished.

I'm afraid someday someone is going to be sitting on his deck and it's going to collapse, and people will get hurt. I'm afraid if I call the city to report it and the city shows up at his house or sends him a letter or calls him, he will find out who reported him, even if I say I wish to remain anonymous. (The city records all phone calls, and they also have caller ID.) When I tried talking to him about this, he told me to stay out of it because it's none of my business. So, do I just keep my mouth shut and hope no one gets hurt? -- CONCERNED RELATIVE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR RELATIVE: Please do not keep your mouth shut! Right now, the weather may be too cold for your brother-in-law to do any entertaining on that deck. But next time he is hosting friends and family, there could be an accident that might change lives forever. This needs to be reported before someone is severely injured or killed.

DEAR ABBY: I'm falling for a man at church. I'm a widow, and he's a widower. We have been seeing each other for about two months. We talk for hours on the phone and in person. He's a writer, poet and musician. He reads me poems and Bible verses and even sings to me. We both are laughing and happy.

Unfortunately, I have a lot more money than he does. He knows I have a nice older car, but he hasn't seen my condo. I'm afraid he won't like me if he finds out I have a lot of money. I want to help him update his apartment since it's very humble, and I don't know how to do it. I want to be honest with him and help him, but I'm afraid it will change things and that money will put a wall between us. Any advice you have will be helpful. -- PERPLEXED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Keep your mouth shut and your wallet closed. You have been seeing this man for only two months, and while you may think you are falling for him, he may not have fallen for you yet. Do not redecorate anyone's apartment before you are in a committed relationship, if then. The time to discuss what financial assets you both have would be when there is talk of marriage, and the place for that talk might be your attorney's or CPA's office. I cannot stress this too strongly.

TO MY IRISH READERS: Happy St. Patrick's Day!

"May the most you wish for

be the least you get.

May the best times you've ever had

be the worst you will ever see."

Love, ABBY