Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired seniors. We live in a beautiful two-story house we built 14 years ago. At the time, we thought it would be our final home, but in my opinion, it no longer meets our needs. I want to move and downsize. The problem is that my wife doesn't.

Throughout our 50 years of marriage, we have lived in four houses, and each time I wanted to move, she did not. She becomes emotionally attached to a house. I have explained to her that we need a one-story house or condo closer to our kids, who live across town. Just bringing up the subject gets her very upset. I believe I will die before she does. It would give me peace knowing that after my funeral, she would return home and not be faced with a lot of problems. When I die, our children are going to want her to move closer anyway. She will then have to coordinate and handle the move on her own -- a massive job even with the help of our two sons. I could easily take the position that I'll be gone so what do I care, but I do care. I have looked out for her our entire marriage, and I would like to finish the job. Advice? -- HERO HUSBAND IN OHIO

DEAR HERO HUSBAND: I do have some. You signed your letter "Hero Husband," but hasn't it occurred to you that in your zeal to take care of and protect your wife, you may have infantilized her? Her feelings on this subject should be respected. Many widows (may it be many, many years before she becomes one unless she dies first) find strength and resourcefulness they didn't know they had after the death of their husbands. What happens to this house should be a family decision, not yours alone.

DEAR ABBY: Both my parents passed away fairly recently -- three years ago for my dad and almost two for my mom. They are buried in the town where I live. All my other relatives of their generation are gone, too. I place artificial flowers on their graves, but I rarely pass by there, and my children and grandchildren don't visit them. They have their memories of time spent with my parents, as do I. My husband and I plan to be cremated and have our ashes scattered. I place the flowers because I want people to know I respect my parents, but I often forget to change them seasonally, which seems worse than not decorating at all. I would like to stop, and I need to convince myself it is OK. Is grave decorating a generational thing, and is the trend not to do so in this day and age? -- GRAVE QUESTIONS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR GRAVE QUESTIONS: Allow me to express my sympathy for the loss of your parents. Grave decorating is a personal choice. Some individuals and families do it on the birthday of their deceased loved one; others do it on the anniversary of the death. The time to show affection and respect to our loved ones is while they are living. If you did that, you have nothing to apologize for in deciding to scale it back or cease entirely.

DEAR ABBY: My relationship with my partner hasn't been the greatest, but we are both working on ourselves to become better partners. Recently, I found out he has been texting another female (flirting). He 100% swore to me nothing more has happened besides the texting. He claims he likes the attention. This other woman knows he's in a relationship. How can I move forward from this? Before I found out, things were starting to get better. Now I'm not sure how to feel. I want to move past this, but I'm hurting. Help! -- TAKEN ABACK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: I understand that you are hurting, and I am sincerely sorry. Your partner has some serious flaws that you shouldn't take lightly. First, he is so insecure that he needs constant validation that he's attractive -- more validation than one woman can give him. Shovel as fast as you could, and you probably would never be able to fill that hole. Second, he may also have an honesty problem. While I don't usually advise readers to contact the "other woman," in your case, if you do, you may learn enough to decide whether it would be in your best interest to move on.

DEAR ABBY: Our parents and grandparents have passed. There are five of seven siblings left. When we were living at home, holidays were special and celebrated on the actual day. Once we moved away and started families of our own, it became difficult to get together every year on the exact date of the holiday. Some of us remained single; others wanted to spend the day with in-laws or at home with spouses and children. We still wanted to get together, so some years we gather on the actual holiday or the day or weekend before or after. This seemed like a great compromise.

Thirty years ago, one of our siblings decided that he wouldn't join us for any holidays, including birthdays, unless they were celebrated on the exact day. With different work schedules, travel and other family obligations, accommodating the wishes of the one sibling has been impractical. We have missed him greatly over the years as we continue gathering to celebrate as a family. We are now in our 60s, and grandchildren and their families are added to the mix. How can we convince our missing sibling to join us for holidays whenever we are able to get together as a family versus him staying home alone? -- MOURNING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MOURNING: When the family gathers, call and FaceTime your absent sibling so he can see the merriment he is missing. Tell him you wish he could be there celebrating with you. However, after 30 years of self-imposed exile, do not expect him to change his pattern, because it's unlikely to happen.

DEAR ABBY: How do I politely tell people I don't like having anyone visit me in my home? My home is my safe haven. The energy of the outside world drains me, and I don't want that feeling inside my home. This includes family members, friends, neighbors, church family and anyone else who might come knocking on my door. I have anxiety and some unresolved trauma I'm working through that contributes to this. I'm happy to meet in a public place or visit someone in their home if we are both comfortable with it. My family cannot understand why I'm like this. They think they have a right to my space simply because they are family. I don't mind anyone thinking I'm weird, but how do I respond without feeling like I have to explain myself? -- INTROVERT IN TENNESSEE

DEAR INTROVERT: Do not allow anyone to make you feel defensive. If you want to get your point across, simply repeat what you told me. It is succinct, it conveys your feelings, and your feelings should be respected.

DEAR ABBY: Is it OK to grieve the loss of an ex-husband from your early 20s if you've been happily married to someone else for 35 years? I'm not sure my present husband wouldn't somehow be hurt by my feelings over the loss. Losing my ex makes me feel bruised inside and represents the end of an era for me. I'm already dreading the loss of my present husband. We have shared so much in our many years together. -- SENSITIVE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SENSITIVE: Nobody lives forever, and it is a waste of time to fear the inevitable. Because someone dies doesn't mean the person must be evicted from our heart. People don't necessarily "get over" the death of a loved one. Many learn to live with and manage the ache. My experience has shown me that although death may close a chapter of our lives, it doesn't mean another one won't open.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25 years old, I have my master's degree and work for a large technology and data company in Georgia. I make great money, live on my own and travel often. All that being said, I am having a really hard time finding guys who match up to that. At times, I feel like I'm entertaining men who aren't on my level.

I'd like to be "equally yoked" with my partner, but I sometimes settle because some people have told me my standards are too high. Do you have any advice for a young woman who wants to be in a relationship, but only with a guy who checks all the boxes? -- YEARNING FOR LOVE IN ATLANTA

DEAR YEARNING: Yes. Start editing that list of yours, because limiting yourself to someone who "checks all the boxes" may make it difficult to find a partner with whom you can be "equally yoked." And that's no "yoke."