Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband puts everyone first before me.

An example: We were invited to his aunt Diana's 50th wedding anniversary. His father was their best man but couldn't make it due to illness. So, at the last minute, my husband was asked to sit at the head table with his aunt and her husband. I was not invited to do that, and my husband didn't ask if I could sit with them. The room was full and there were no other seats for me, so the event coordinator set up a table for me in the hall, by myself, next to the washrooms. The only time I saw anyone was when they used the facilities. My husband came to use the washroom and asked me if I wanted anything. I told him I'd like a drink, but he didn't come back until he needed to use the washroom again. I told him to take me home and he could return to the event. It was a 15-minute drive. When I talked to him the next day and explained how hurt and embarrassed I was, he thought it was selfish on my part since it was such a special event for his aunt Diana. I was supportive of him taking part, but if it had been the reverse, I would have ensured he was seated at the main table, or at least close by. What are your thoughts? -- CAST OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAST OUT: What happened at your husband's aunt's anniversary celebration was an embarrassment for everybody. If you and your husband were invited as a couple, there should have been an assigned seat for you at one of the tables. You should not have been seated alone next to a bathroom. The event coordinator has plenty to apologize for, and so does your thoughtless, self-centered husband. Under the circumstances, your hurt feelings are understandable. You owe no one an apology for feeling rightfully offended.

DEAR ABBY: Am I a crank, or is it OK these days for waiters to become involved in diners' conversations and actually take over the conversation? At dinner last night, our waiter interrupted us three times and stayed at our table for more than five minutes taking over our conversation. It had nothing to do with the restaurant or our food -- it was about his travels and all the countries he's been to and worked in. The last time he interrupted, we had finished eating and were talking. He talked for about 10 minutes. When he finally stopped to take a breath, I quickly said, "Well, let's get going!" It wasn't late and the restaurant was more than half empty. I had given him a 50% tip because it was a holiday, but after I thought about the intrusive service, I was sorry I did it. Any suggestions? -- BACK OFF OR YOUR TIP WILL SUFFER

DEAR BACK OFF: Many people would have enjoyed that server's sharing. However, because you didn't, when his patter became intrusive, you should have politely said, "Excuse me, we are trying to have a private conversation. Could you please take our order?" (That you tipped so generously would have softened the blow.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired seniors. We live in a beautiful two-story house we built 14 years ago. At the time, we thought it would be our final home, but in my opinion, it no longer meets our needs. I want to move and downsize. The problem is that my wife doesn't.

Throughout our 50 years of marriage, we have lived in four houses, and each time I wanted to move, she did not. She becomes emotionally attached to a house. I have explained to her that we need a one-story house or condo closer to our kids, who live across town. Just bringing up the subject gets her very upset. I believe I will die before she does. It would give me peace knowing that after my funeral, she would return home and not be faced with a lot of problems. When I die, our children are going to want her to move closer anyway. She will then have to coordinate and handle the move on her own -- a massive job even with the help of our two sons. I could easily take the position that I'll be gone so what do I care, but I do care. I have looked out for her our entire marriage, and I would like to finish the job. Advice? -- HERO HUSBAND IN OHIO

DEAR HERO HUSBAND: I do have some. You signed your letter "Hero Husband," but hasn't it occurred to you that in your zeal to take care of and protect your wife, you may have infantilized her? Her feelings on this subject should be respected. Many widows (may it be many, many years before she becomes one unless she dies first) find strength and resourcefulness they didn't know they had after the death of their husbands. What happens to this house should be a family decision, not yours alone.

DEAR ABBY: Both my parents passed away fairly recently -- three years ago for my dad and almost two for my mom. They are buried in the town where I live. All my other relatives of their generation are gone, too. I place artificial flowers on their graves, but I rarely pass by there, and my children and grandchildren don't visit them. They have their memories of time spent with my parents, as do I. My husband and I plan to be cremated and have our ashes scattered. I place the flowers because I want people to know I respect my parents, but I often forget to change them seasonally, which seems worse than not decorating at all. I would like to stop, and I need to convince myself it is OK. Is grave decorating a generational thing, and is the trend not to do so in this day and age? -- GRAVE QUESTIONS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR GRAVE QUESTIONS: Allow me to express my sympathy for the loss of your parents. Grave decorating is a personal choice. Some individuals and families do it on the birthday of their deceased loved one; others do it on the anniversary of the death. The time to show affection and respect to our loved ones is while they are living. If you did that, you have nothing to apologize for in deciding to scale it back or cease entirely.

DEAR ABBY: My relationship with my partner hasn't been the greatest, but we are both working on ourselves to become better partners. Recently, I found out he has been texting another female (flirting). He 100% swore to me nothing more has happened besides the texting. He claims he likes the attention. This other woman knows he's in a relationship. How can I move forward from this? Before I found out, things were starting to get better. Now I'm not sure how to feel. I want to move past this, but I'm hurting. Help! -- TAKEN ABACK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: I understand that you are hurting, and I am sincerely sorry. Your partner has some serious flaws that you shouldn't take lightly. First, he is so insecure that he needs constant validation that he's attractive -- more validation than one woman can give him. Shovel as fast as you could, and you probably would never be able to fill that hole. Second, he may also have an honesty problem. While I don't usually advise readers to contact the "other woman," in your case, if you do, you may learn enough to decide whether it would be in your best interest to move on.

DEAR ABBY: Our parents and grandparents have passed. There are five of seven siblings left. When we were living at home, holidays were special and celebrated on the actual day. Once we moved away and started families of our own, it became difficult to get together every year on the exact date of the holiday. Some of us remained single; others wanted to spend the day with in-laws or at home with spouses and children. We still wanted to get together, so some years we gather on the actual holiday or the day or weekend before or after. This seemed like a great compromise.

Thirty years ago, one of our siblings decided that he wouldn't join us for any holidays, including birthdays, unless they were celebrated on the exact day. With different work schedules, travel and other family obligations, accommodating the wishes of the one sibling has been impractical. We have missed him greatly over the years as we continue gathering to celebrate as a family. We are now in our 60s, and grandchildren and their families are added to the mix. How can we convince our missing sibling to join us for holidays whenever we are able to get together as a family versus him staying home alone? -- MOURNING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MOURNING: When the family gathers, call and FaceTime your absent sibling so he can see the merriment he is missing. Tell him you wish he could be there celebrating with you. However, after 30 years of self-imposed exile, do not expect him to change his pattern, because it's unlikely to happen.