Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my friend I feel she needs a mental health evaluation? She has been my closest friend for 20 years, and we have been through many trials together. She has been married for a couple of years to a man who seems very nice.

Abby, she is convinced that she's being followed, but doesn't know by whom or why. She tells me about terrible arguments she has with her husband because she thinks he orchestrated situations in public places. For instance, she claims he seats himself in a position to look at other women. The poor man is blind in one eye and has limited vision in the other. She also believes his ex-wife flirts with him and he is probably cheating with her, although they have been divorced for 20 years. She resents his contact with his grandkids and his family because of it. I should add that her mother was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's at around her age. It's heartbreaking to watch. I have mentioned it numerous times, as well as suggesting she speak to a pastor (she thinks the church may be in on it) or a therapist, but she tends to dodge it. If I try to contact her husband, she will start to think I'm a traitor. I don't know how to help. Please advise. -- TRAINWRECK IN ARIZONA

DEAR TRAINWRECK: From your description of your friend's paranoid and irrational behavior, she appears to be sick. Because neither you nor I are qualified to diagnose what has gone wrong with her, she needs to be evaluated by a doctor. It would not be betraying her to discuss this with her beleaguered husband, who may be at a loss about how to deal with her behavior. Rather than a betrayal, seeing that she gets help would be a tremendous favor.

DEAR ABBY: I am a "young" senior citizen (age 90). People sometimes think I'm in my early 60s because I look and act it. I have been widowed three times by women younger than I.

I recently met a woman I'm very attracted to. I think the feeling may be mutual. We have a lot in common. The first time we talked on the phone, the conversation lasted more than three hours. Last evening, I learned while talking on the phone with her that I'm older than her mother by one year. Would you advise me to "back off"? -- JUST A NUMBER IN COLORADO

DEAR JUST A NUMBER: If this woman's mother is 89, she probably had her daughter between the ages of 20 and 30. This would make the woman to whom you are attracted between 59 and 69. I see no reason for you to "back off" or obscure your age. Because the two of you have a lot in common, enjoy the relationship. (If she's brave enough to be with you after you have killed off three younger women, more power to her!)

DEAR ABBY: My husband puts everyone first before me.

An example: We were invited to his aunt Diana's 50th wedding anniversary. His father was their best man but couldn't make it due to illness. So, at the last minute, my husband was asked to sit at the head table with his aunt and her husband. I was not invited to do that, and my husband didn't ask if I could sit with them. The room was full and there were no other seats for me, so the event coordinator set up a table for me in the hall, by myself, next to the washrooms. The only time I saw anyone was when they used the facilities. My husband came to use the washroom and asked me if I wanted anything. I told him I'd like a drink, but he didn't come back until he needed to use the washroom again. I told him to take me home and he could return to the event. It was a 15-minute drive. When I talked to him the next day and explained how hurt and embarrassed I was, he thought it was selfish on my part since it was such a special event for his aunt Diana. I was supportive of him taking part, but if it had been the reverse, I would have ensured he was seated at the main table, or at least close by. What are your thoughts? -- CAST OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAST OUT: What happened at your husband's aunt's anniversary celebration was an embarrassment for everybody. If you and your husband were invited as a couple, there should have been an assigned seat for you at one of the tables. You should not have been seated alone next to a bathroom. The event coordinator has plenty to apologize for, and so does your thoughtless, self-centered husband. Under the circumstances, your hurt feelings are understandable. You owe no one an apology for feeling rightfully offended.

DEAR ABBY: Am I a crank, or is it OK these days for waiters to become involved in diners' conversations and actually take over the conversation? At dinner last night, our waiter interrupted us three times and stayed at our table for more than five minutes taking over our conversation. It had nothing to do with the restaurant or our food -- it was about his travels and all the countries he's been to and worked in. The last time he interrupted, we had finished eating and were talking. He talked for about 10 minutes. When he finally stopped to take a breath, I quickly said, "Well, let's get going!" It wasn't late and the restaurant was more than half empty. I had given him a 50% tip because it was a holiday, but after I thought about the intrusive service, I was sorry I did it. Any suggestions? -- BACK OFF OR YOUR TIP WILL SUFFER

DEAR BACK OFF: Many people would have enjoyed that server's sharing. However, because you didn't, when his patter became intrusive, you should have politely said, "Excuse me, we are trying to have a private conversation. Could you please take our order?" (That you tipped so generously would have softened the blow.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired seniors. We live in a beautiful two-story house we built 14 years ago. At the time, we thought it would be our final home, but in my opinion, it no longer meets our needs. I want to move and downsize. The problem is that my wife doesn't.

Throughout our 50 years of marriage, we have lived in four houses, and each time I wanted to move, she did not. She becomes emotionally attached to a house. I have explained to her that we need a one-story house or condo closer to our kids, who live across town. Just bringing up the subject gets her very upset. I believe I will die before she does. It would give me peace knowing that after my funeral, she would return home and not be faced with a lot of problems. When I die, our children are going to want her to move closer anyway. She will then have to coordinate and handle the move on her own -- a massive job even with the help of our two sons. I could easily take the position that I'll be gone so what do I care, but I do care. I have looked out for her our entire marriage, and I would like to finish the job. Advice? -- HERO HUSBAND IN OHIO

DEAR HERO HUSBAND: I do have some. You signed your letter "Hero Husband," but hasn't it occurred to you that in your zeal to take care of and protect your wife, you may have infantilized her? Her feelings on this subject should be respected. Many widows (may it be many, many years before she becomes one unless she dies first) find strength and resourcefulness they didn't know they had after the death of their husbands. What happens to this house should be a family decision, not yours alone.

DEAR ABBY: Both my parents passed away fairly recently -- three years ago for my dad and almost two for my mom. They are buried in the town where I live. All my other relatives of their generation are gone, too. I place artificial flowers on their graves, but I rarely pass by there, and my children and grandchildren don't visit them. They have their memories of time spent with my parents, as do I. My husband and I plan to be cremated and have our ashes scattered. I place the flowers because I want people to know I respect my parents, but I often forget to change them seasonally, which seems worse than not decorating at all. I would like to stop, and I need to convince myself it is OK. Is grave decorating a generational thing, and is the trend not to do so in this day and age? -- GRAVE QUESTIONS IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR GRAVE QUESTIONS: Allow me to express my sympathy for the loss of your parents. Grave decorating is a personal choice. Some individuals and families do it on the birthday of their deceased loved one; others do it on the anniversary of the death. The time to show affection and respect to our loved ones is while they are living. If you did that, you have nothing to apologize for in deciding to scale it back or cease entirely.