Life and Money With Helaine

Hi, Helaine: My husband and I divorced five years ago. Because I had no money -- I had taken a big career hit by staying home for a decade to raise our children -- I accepted his suggestion that we go through mediation instead of getting separate lawyers. I’ve recently discovered that he had a lot more stashed away in secret accounts I didn’t know existed. Do I have any recourse? He is surely relying on my not being able to afford an expensive lawsuit. -- Broke Ex-Wife

Dear Broke Ex-Wife: First, I am so sorry about this. It’s hard to end a marriage. It must be even harder to find out years later that he lied about finances when you trusted him enough to go through mediation instead of the often more adversarial court process to legally dissolve it. It’s a profound betrayal.

But what do you do now? According to Kelly Frawley, a matrimonial litigator with Kasowitz Benson Torres in New York, your first step is to set up a consultation with a divorce lawyer in your state so you can discover what rights you possess. Each state has a different statute of limitations on how you can handle this kind of situation, with different deadlines revolving around when the mediation was held, and when you first should have known of the deception by your ex-husband.

And that’s key. Were the accounts disclosed during the mediation and you and/or your representative missed it? Did you exchange sworn statements of assets and liabilities? If you decided to waive your right to that process because you trusted your husband, there is no deception. If, on the other hand, your now former spouse deliberately hid assets from you, you’ve possibly got a cause for action. Only a lawyer will know for sure.

A bigger point that’s probably too late for you, alas, but can help someone else in the future: Mediation does not mean completely forgoing legal advice. The mediator is there to help guide the parties to a dispute toward a settlement, but a mediator does not represent either side. There’s a lot of due diligence -- especially financial due diligence -- that goes into a divorce. The assistance of a lawyer is invaluable as you navigate that.

A lawyer can also advise you on what to say during the mediation, so you can get the best deal for yourself. In fact, if there are substantial assets at play, forgoing the advice of a lawyer is the definition of penny wise and pound foolish.

That’s not to dis mediation. Mediation is less adversarial than allowing lawyers to do battle. That’s no small consideration. But no one should endanger their long-term financial health in hopes of putting a collapsed marriage behind them. That only makes it more likely the damage of the failed relationship will continue on, ultimately hindering your ability to get on with your life.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

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Hi, Helaine: My husband and I have saved to afford a home in the San Francisco Bay area. We're now in our mid-30s, and we can cover the down payment with our savings and investments, and cover the monthly mortgage expenses with our income. But we are considering taking additional money out of our 401(k) as a loan to cover additional costs of fixing up the house the way we would like it.

On one hand, we would like to fix up the house before starting a family, and this seems to be the only way to do that right now, since the down payment and other closing costs will basically clean us out. On the other hand, this will add an additional monthly expense to cover, but at least we'll be paying it back with interest to ourselves. Is this a good idea? -- Eager Renovator

Dear Eager Renovator: Why do you believe you need to renovate a home immediately after buying it? Is it because your budget leaves you no choice but to purchase a fixer-upper that needs immediate roof and electrical work? Or is it simply that you've seen your friends insist on a fresh coat of paint, new furniture and the like when they move into a home? If it's the latter, let me assure you that's not a requirement.

I've done renovations on homes both before and after I moved into them. While the latter is more inconvenient, I'm also generally happier with the results. There's likely a reason for that. If you take on a renovation project before you move into a home, you are only guessing at what you need and what will make you happy. If you do it after you live in a home for a time, you will know quite specifically what's essential and what would be nice, but isn't a must. There are even things you will likely decide to forgo entirely.

Another consideration: Are you contemplating what having a child will possibly do to your otherwise excellent finances? Annual child care costs in many parts of the country exceed the expense of a college education at a public in-state university. College costs are also significant. And then there are all the costs in between -- food, tutors (if needed), summer camp, toys. I can go on, but you are no doubt getting the idea. In other words, it's quite possible your ability to save will be impacted, and not for the better.

On the other hand, given your age and the amount of money you must have managed to save, your financial habits are clearly quite good. So my take: If you are taking on a house that needs immediate work, go ahead. But if it's a home that could be lived with for a few years, show patience.

Finally, remember that renovation is forever more expensive than even the most honest and upright contractor claims. Whatever money you've budgeted for this task, know that you will probably spend significantly more.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

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Hi, Helaine: I’m a reasonably well-educated 40-year-old making below his earning potential (though a bit higher than average). The reason is laziness. I do not like working, so I work in a fairly high-paid sector, where I don’t need to work full-time. I could probably get a better job if I wanted to, but I really don’t. I value a stress-free life.

My girlfriend is similarly educated. As we want to start a family soon, she’s been on my case to get more serious about work. We’ve had the talk about income and expenses. It turned out I am earning almost twice as much as she is, and though I don’t have a ton of assets, I have more than she does too. I am now wondering if it is fair for her to pressure me to work more. I like my current lifestyle, and if she would match my income, we could live an upper-middle-class life. Even now, it’s enough for a middle-class life.

I am not advocating we need more. She is. I should also tell you she lives a more extravagant lifestyle than I do. Her car costs more than mine, and she travels internationally. She lives with her dad. Her family is also quite wealthy, while I support my mother.

What do you suggest? -- Job Slacker

Dear Job Slacker: Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You are exactly where you want to be economically and professionally. You’ve found a girlfriend you like enough to make permanent, but her dad is subsidizing her high-end lifestyle. She’s not suggesting she be the one to work harder, longer hours so she can continue to travel internationally, drive a nice car, and otherwise enjoy the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. She’s quite openly saying she would like you to do that instead.

In other words, she’d like to replace her dad’s financial support with your financial support. And it gets better! You say the two of you plan to have a child together. Children are wonderful, and they add much to our lives. They are also, unfortunately, a notorious financial drain. So even if she cuts back, someone in this relationship is almost certainly going to need to up their financial contributions. And, again, she expects that person to be you.

This situation is a guarantee of future resentment unless you confront it head-on. It’s way past time for the two of you to sit down and have a complete and honest talk about money. You should ask her how she would feel if someone asked her to upend her professional life to support their high-flying lifestyle. (My guess? Not well!) At the same time, you should both ask each other how you see altering your lifestyle and finances to accommodate parenthood. Hopefully, you can come to an agreement. But if you can’t, it might be time -- sadly -- to move on with your lives without each other.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

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