Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a trained chef, culinary producer, published recipe author and former caterer. The television and culinary industries can both be unstable at times. A lot of the work I do is contracted for specific periods of time, meaning it’s always a hustle to get new work. My last gig (with a major network) ended a few months ago. Since then, it seems there have been some major changes to the network that are resulting in fewer work opportunities.

I don’t know what to do next. Some people have suggested I teach for the time being, but I’m scared. I don’t know how I would fare as a culinary instructor. I’ve done instructional content for social media before, but never to a room full of people who are depending on my expertise to help shape their careers. How do you know if you’re cut out to instruct others? -- Chef Becomes Teacher

DEAR CHEF BECOMES TEACHER: Teaching is a great way for professionals to share their knowledge and expertise with others, and it has proven to be a safety net for some when work dries up. Unfortunately, teaching will not likely pay as well as your TV gigs, but it can represent consistent income. You can get support on how to create a curriculum and learn about teaching methods, even as you also trust your knowledge. You know more than you realize.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my younger cousins is on the autism spectrum. He’s active, strong and affectionate, but he’s nonverbal. He’s a toddler, and he participates in therapeutic programs that help stimulate him; he seems to be learning so much. Naturally, though, like any child, he has some habits -- some are fleeting, but some seem harder to step away from (biting, pinching, chewing paper, etc.).

I’ve noticed that when his mom talks about helping him ending some of those habits, she describes it as “fixing” them. I hate to hear that because it implies that something might be broken. Like anyone else, habits take time, and words can have a long-lasting impact. I want to say something to her, but she seems defensive. I’m always wary of commenting on people’s parenting. Even though that’s not exactly what I’m doing, parents always seem to get defensive in that way. How can I help his mom realize that her child is not something to be “fixed”? -- Stop Fixing

DEAR STOP FIXING: Tread carefully here. Your cousin is doing the best she can with her child, and she is naturally defensive. Rather than attempting to correct her directly, you may want to model your thinking through your own language. You can talk about children learning how to stop bad habits and replace behaviors with healthier ones. Look for words that describe what she is saying that you find less judgmental, and use them when you are talking to each other.

Look for books or articles on helping children adopt healthy habits -- especially children on the spectrum -- and share them with her. Assure her that you are always looking out for them. Don’t correct her directly. Share information that may open her eyes to the importance of language.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love beaches and sandy vacations, but somehow I also have a wild fear of deep waters. I don’t think I had ever come to that realization before -- probably because I’m never too far from shore and I’m tall -- which also makes me feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

Recently, I went to Mexico on vacation with a girl I’m dating. We each had a day to pick an excursion of choice. I chose riding dirt bikes, and she chose a boat ride and snorkeling. We were both excited when we saw the boat, but as we set sail, I was uncomfortable. I am 6 feet, 6 inches tall, and the feeling of standing up on a small yacht was unsettling against the waves. When we finally got to a calm area where the water was clear and we could do some snorkeling, we geared up to jump in, and as soon as we did, I freaked. My girlfriend is pretty tiny, and she jumped in without even a life jacket. She was like a mermaid while I was kicking and screaming because I couldn’t touch the ocean floor. I’m not used to that. Moving forward, I don’t want to feel that panic again. I’m thinking it might be time for swimming lessons, but what if I freak out in the deep end of the pool, too? How do people get over these types of extreme fears? -- Ocean Floor

DEAR OCEAN FLOOR: Swimming lessons are a must. You should not be getting into the ocean unless you can swim. For basic safety, you should take lessons now. Once you can swim, your fear will likely dissipate because you will have more control over yourself in the water. It takes time to learn how to swim, but there’s no need to be embarrassed. People learn at all ages. Enroll in a class now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to your advice to “Crossing the Line,” the person whose roommate was using their stuff and generally being too involved in the roommate’s personal business, yes, she should lock up her stuff. But people all around us ask impertinent questions all the time. In the United States, we've been taught that we should always answer, but my British friends just ... don't. When confronted by a personal question, the answer, with a smile or a look of shock, should be along the lines of:

-- “Wow, that's really personal!”

-- “I’m going to pretend you didn't ask that.”

-- “I’ll never tell!”

-- “That's between me and my doctor.”

Just keep repeating if they press, but they seldom do when they are met with these polite, pointed responses. This is a great skill to have and will serve her in the workplace, in public and in her home. -- Still Learning

DEAR STILL LEARNING: This is great wisdom. Thanks for sharing. Being able to stand up for yourself and set boundaries is important and can be hard to do. Throwing the person’s comment back at them in the ways you have suggested can be just jarring enough to get the invader to think twice the next time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently went through a divorce, and I’m struggling to figure out who I am now. There were no kids involved, so the breakup was really just between my ex and me. I thought I had my life figured out, but now that I’m on my own, I’m feeling lost. I’ve been so focused on being a partner for so long that I don’t even know what I want for myself anymore.

I’ve started doing things for myself -- like picking up new hobbies, traveling more and spending more time with friends -- but I still feel like there’s something missing. I’m not sure whether it’s the routine I had when I was married or whether I’m just afraid of being alone in this new phase of life. I keep wondering whether I’ll ever feel truly comfortable on my own, or whether I’ll always feel like something is incomplete. How do I rediscover who I am and what I want out of life after a marriage? Is it normal to feel this way, or should I be worried that I’m not moving forward as I should? -- Newly Divorced

DEAR NEWLY DIVORCED: It takes time to redefine your life after divorce. It’s natural for things to feel odd or out of place given the life you previously lived. Be patient with yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company. Who knows whether you will partner with someone again, so don’t make that your objective. Instead, seek peace and joy. Figure out little things that make you happy, and cherish them. Give yourself time to see how your life will settle. Accept that life may feel incomplete now, but trust that you will become more comfortable over time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: What should I do to learn patience if I’m constantly reminding myself, but it still doesn’t click? I find that I have a short fuse for many things: loud environments, people asking for favors, people not following through on promises, last-minute changes (even if they’re not an inconvenience), people telling me no, figuring out what to eat, completing work projects, people who make me wait -- the list goes on. Sometimes I surprise myself with how I react to things, and I usually can’t answer myself when I ask, “Why did you have to yell?” I’m high-strung, and I don’t know what to do about it. -- Impatient

DEAR IMPATIENT: In a word: Breathe. Literally. You need to learn to calm yourself by engaging your breath. When you feel anxious, pause for a moment and take three deep, cleansing breaths. As you inhale, invite patience to fill your being. As you exhale, you invite discomfort to dissipate. Before you do or say anything, allow your breath to support you.

Consider taking a yoga class. Learn to meditate. Practices like that can help calm you. You may also want to take up a sport or some kind of physical activity that engages your body and requires you to concentrate. Finally, get a therapist. It would be beneficial to find a professional who can help you look at your life and examine what is going on and how you can deal with what comes your way more effectively.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)