Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am trying to work on becoming less bothered by the small things in life. I take things personally, whether they are big or small, and I let them ruin my whole day. For instance, if someone makes a harmless joke at my expense or if I receive minor criticism at work, I dwell on it for hours, sometimes even days. Even when I know deep down that the comment wasn’t meant to be hurtful, I can’t help but feel slighted or embarrassed. I replay conversations in my head, wondering if I said the wrong thing or if people are judging me. It’s exhausting to constantly feel like I have to prove myself or read between the lines of everything people say.

I admire people who can brush things off and not take life so seriously, but I don’t know how to get to that point myself. I want to be more easygoing and confident, but no matter how much I tell myself to “let it go,” I still feel a knot in my stomach when I think about certain moments. How can I stop overanalyzing every little thing, take things less personally and start enjoying life without feeling so weighed down by my emotions? -- Sensitive

DEAR SENSITIVE: At least you know that you are having an extreme reaction to the way people engage with you; that’s a step in the right direction. Now might be the time to count your blessings. Write down what’s good about you. What are your positive qualities? When you receive compliments, what do people say? Pay attention. Even if you think you don’t get any thanks or praise, I believe you do. Now is the time to notice it. Pump yourself up by acknowledging the good in you.

For anything that you need to take to heart and work on, do it. Instead of dwelling on a whole list of shortcomings, focus on one thing at a time that you can improve, and continue to recite your list of accomplishments to help balance out the negative thoughts. Read the book “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the agreements is not to take things personally.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m currently in a relationship with an older man. I’m 24, and he’s 40. My friends and mom don’t approve, but this person has supported me through some of the hardest chapters of my life. A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted, and it really uprooted so many things in my life. I found myself feeling broken and confused, and I wasn’t sure I would heal from it. This guy, who didn’t know what I’d been through at the time, showered me with love, care and gentleness, and I began to feel normal again. Currently, we are long distance, but he plans to move here. I’m excited, but I can’t help but worry how he’ll be received by my loved ones. Is there something my friends and family are seeing that I’m blind to? -- Older Man

DEAR OLDER MAN: Generational differences can cause conflict over time, but every couple is different. If you feel loved and respected by this man, give the relationship a chance. Let your family know that you want their support and faith in you. Ask them why they are so apprehensive, and listen to their answers. There is a good chance that they are reacting more to the long-distance aspect of the relationship than to the age difference. If you two have not yet met in person (safely, in a public space), it is vitally important that you do so before anyone decides to uproot and move to a new town. While you're at it, it wouldn't hurt to have him meet some members of your inner circle. Get honest reactions from them, and take those to heart as you decide your next steps.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a trained chef, culinary producer, published recipe author and former caterer. The television and culinary industries can both be unstable at times. A lot of the work I do is contracted for specific periods of time, meaning it’s always a hustle to get new work. My last gig (with a major network) ended a few months ago. Since then, it seems there have been some major changes to the network that are resulting in fewer work opportunities.

I don’t know what to do next. Some people have suggested I teach for the time being, but I’m scared. I don’t know how I would fare as a culinary instructor. I’ve done instructional content for social media before, but never to a room full of people who are depending on my expertise to help shape their careers. How do you know if you’re cut out to instruct others? -- Chef Becomes Teacher

DEAR CHEF BECOMES TEACHER: Teaching is a great way for professionals to share their knowledge and expertise with others, and it has proven to be a safety net for some when work dries up. Unfortunately, teaching will not likely pay as well as your TV gigs, but it can represent consistent income. You can get support on how to create a curriculum and learn about teaching methods, even as you also trust your knowledge. You know more than you realize.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my younger cousins is on the autism spectrum. He’s active, strong and affectionate, but he’s nonverbal. He’s a toddler, and he participates in therapeutic programs that help stimulate him; he seems to be learning so much. Naturally, though, like any child, he has some habits -- some are fleeting, but some seem harder to step away from (biting, pinching, chewing paper, etc.).

I’ve noticed that when his mom talks about helping him ending some of those habits, she describes it as “fixing” them. I hate to hear that because it implies that something might be broken. Like anyone else, habits take time, and words can have a long-lasting impact. I want to say something to her, but she seems defensive. I’m always wary of commenting on people’s parenting. Even though that’s not exactly what I’m doing, parents always seem to get defensive in that way. How can I help his mom realize that her child is not something to be “fixed”? -- Stop Fixing

DEAR STOP FIXING: Tread carefully here. Your cousin is doing the best she can with her child, and she is naturally defensive. Rather than attempting to correct her directly, you may want to model your thinking through your own language. You can talk about children learning how to stop bad habits and replace behaviors with healthier ones. Look for words that describe what she is saying that you find less judgmental, and use them when you are talking to each other.

Look for books or articles on helping children adopt healthy habits -- especially children on the spectrum -- and share them with her. Assure her that you are always looking out for them. Don’t correct her directly. Share information that may open her eyes to the importance of language.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love beaches and sandy vacations, but somehow I also have a wild fear of deep waters. I don’t think I had ever come to that realization before -- probably because I’m never too far from shore and I’m tall -- which also makes me feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

Recently, I went to Mexico on vacation with a girl I’m dating. We each had a day to pick an excursion of choice. I chose riding dirt bikes, and she chose a boat ride and snorkeling. We were both excited when we saw the boat, but as we set sail, I was uncomfortable. I am 6 feet, 6 inches tall, and the feeling of standing up on a small yacht was unsettling against the waves. When we finally got to a calm area where the water was clear and we could do some snorkeling, we geared up to jump in, and as soon as we did, I freaked. My girlfriend is pretty tiny, and she jumped in without even a life jacket. She was like a mermaid while I was kicking and screaming because I couldn’t touch the ocean floor. I’m not used to that. Moving forward, I don’t want to feel that panic again. I’m thinking it might be time for swimming lessons, but what if I freak out in the deep end of the pool, too? How do people get over these types of extreme fears? -- Ocean Floor

DEAR OCEAN FLOOR: Swimming lessons are a must. You should not be getting into the ocean unless you can swim. For basic safety, you should take lessons now. Once you can swim, your fear will likely dissipate because you will have more control over yourself in the water. It takes time to learn how to swim, but there’s no need to be embarrassed. People learn at all ages. Enroll in a class now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In response to your advice to “Crossing the Line,” the person whose roommate was using their stuff and generally being too involved in the roommate’s personal business, yes, she should lock up her stuff. But people all around us ask impertinent questions all the time. In the United States, we've been taught that we should always answer, but my British friends just ... don't. When confronted by a personal question, the answer, with a smile or a look of shock, should be along the lines of:

-- “Wow, that's really personal!”

-- “I’m going to pretend you didn't ask that.”

-- “I’ll never tell!”

-- “That's between me and my doctor.”

Just keep repeating if they press, but they seldom do when they are met with these polite, pointed responses. This is a great skill to have and will serve her in the workplace, in public and in her home. -- Still Learning

DEAR STILL LEARNING: This is great wisdom. Thanks for sharing. Being able to stand up for yourself and set boundaries is important and can be hard to do. Throwing the person’s comment back at them in the ways you have suggested can be just jarring enough to get the invader to think twice the next time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)