Life and Money With Helaine

Dear Helaine: My brother and sister both have kids. I don’t. My mother recently changed her will so that instead of each of us getting a one-third share of her estate when she dies, my siblings receive more than me because they have children, and, she believes, they will need more money.

Here’s my question: If she asks, am I obliged to leave anything to my nieces and nephews in my will? I like them fine, but I would prefer to leave my money, including what I assume I will inherit one day from my mother, to charity. -- A Charitable Dilemma

Dear Charitable Dilemma: I am going to guess you are making this inquiry for a reason: You expect your mother is going to ask you the question, and you expect she wants you to answer that you plan to leave money to your nieces and nephews. Here’s my two cents. First, much in the way your mother decided to leave more of her money -- and it is her money -- to your siblings, you also enjoy the right to dispose of your money as you see fit, both during your lifetime and in your will. But you are under no obligation to share those plans with anyone, including nosy and possibly controlling relatives.

It’s also true that you might change your plans over time. If, say, a niece or nephew or friend helps you out as you age, you might decide to thank them in your will. If anyone in the family asks directly about your will, I’d simply say you consider it a private matter and let it go at that.

As for your mother’s will, what she did strikes me as a primo way to ferment future bad feelings between you and your siblings, and I am shocked a lawyer (if she used one) didn’t point that out. If she wants to take care of her grandchildren, better to leave them money directly and then divide the remainder fairly among her children. But I also get that telling her that might cause bad blood in the family, something it sounds like you rather sensibly and kindly want to avoid.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

Dear Helaine: My father has always been the type of person who lived with the idea of “sticking it to the man” as an undertone to his life. As I was growing up, my parents saved enough money to buy a house, which is almost fully paid off, but that was about it. They saved little money, and my father’s jobs rarely lasted long. He would find another job and then things seemed stable again. Money was always tight. But about 20 years ago, it seemed like things changed. My father set up as a contract computer programmer. He was successful for several years, and was finally able to set money aside. But then that ended, too.

My parents are now 65 and almost out of money. My mother has cancer and can’t work. My sister pays her to watch her children three days a week after school. My father refuses to take a part-time job. My mother feels trapped, but says there is nothing she can do. They receive Social Security checks, but my mother’s healthcare expenses are not small.

I’m at a loss about what I can do to help. I have thought about having them live with me, but they want to remain in their home as long as possible. Financially supporting my parents would compromise my own retirement. My siblings are not in a position to help, either. What can I do? -- Out of Options

Dear Out of Options: The hardest lesson in life to learn is that we can’t save other people from themselves. I’m sorry you are learning it via your parents’ rapidly deteriorating financial situation. The good news, as you know, is that they are not out of options. They can tap into their home to come up with extra money if they need it. They don’t even need to live with you. They could simply sell the residence and move to a lower-cost condo. That’s their choice.

Your choice is whether you want to consider enabling this situation in the future. I don’t recommend it. If your father doesn’t want to get a job -- and I mean even a part-time retail position -- you most certainly shouldn’t financially support that decision. As for your mother, if the time comes when their precarious finances impede her ability to access needed medical care, you and your siblings could consider paying for it directly, if you can afford to do so.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

Dear Helaine: During the recession, I lost a great, well-paying job. I lived off my savings for a time and took a series of short-term, not-well-paying gigs before training for a new field. I was offered a very good job in the Middle East. It pays well, with free housing, no bills, summers off and frequent breaks.

I am now 66. I could stay on this job for three more years before mandatory retirement. The problem is, I hate living here! I miss trees, greenery, culture, spring, fall and, most of all, my friends. The issue? I have about $300,000 in savings and an $800-a-month pension, and if I file tomorrow, $2,000 a month in Social Security. It's probably not enough money, not if I live into my late 80s or early 90s. I've always rented, so there is no home waiting for me in the states.

I know I should stay at this job and sock away more money. If I come back, I think I can land some poorly paid seasonal work, maybe adding an extra $15,000. But I want to come home! I am aware I won't be healthy and vigorous forever. I want to start living in a place where I am happy sooner rather than later. I could live in a modest apartment. What should I do? -- In Misery in the Middle East

Dear Misery in the Middle East: When I was younger, I never could understand how and why people retired. Surely, they could put in one more year, right? Or two more years? Or three? But now I am a little bit older, and I totally hear what you are saying. Life can feel like it is slipping away while we are doing things we believe we should do but that make us unhappy.

My advice to you: I would sit down and make a realistic budget of what you believe you would spend monthly back in the states. I would then work out how much you will have -- from Social Security, from your pension, from a spend down of your assets, and from the possibility of part-time work. See if it is doable.

If you think the numbers add up to future trouble, don't think about three years. Think about six months. Or maybe even three months. During that period, save aggressively, then reassess. You might find it's easier to hold on for, say, another year, if you think about it in small chunks, rather than a long three-year period.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)