DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 22 and have been in a relationship for three years now. My best friend, who is the same age, is also in a relationship, going on over a year. Here is my problem: She seems to feel the need to relay to me every single aspect of their romance, whether it's sexual, emotional, or even "Oh, guess what John said/e-mailed to me today!"

I don't mean to be callous; it's natural for a young lady to be excited about a relationship, but that tell-all feeling usually passes after the relationship has entered the long-term phase. I know I personally still don't feel the need to report to her every detail in the relationship between my boyfriend and me. It's getting more and more difficult to muster up enthusiasm or even interest in the minutiae of their courtship.

I've joked with her that "30 years from now, when you two are married, I might not listen anymore!" but she just laughed and carried on. Should I keep listening, or is there a gentle way to say that maybe it's time she keeps all these details to herself? I'm happy for her, but I'm ready for a new topic of conversation.

GENTLE READER: As you understand, your friend is in the familiar shouting-it-from-the-housetops stage of romance, which, fortunately, does not last forever. The lady in question appears to have less discretion than most, but Miss Manners promises that even she will eventually stop.

In the meantime, best friends do have to endure some of this. From your remark that you don't "still" feel the need, Miss Manners gathers that at one time you must have cornered this lady, or other friends, with similar confidences.

You can make a few protests, such as, "You know I can't keep a secret," and "I'm never going to be able to look John in the eye," and "Stop, please, you're embarrassing me." Beyond that, Miss Manners recommends resigning yourself to using the time for a mental review of your grocery list.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 9 years old. When I call a friend and they're not home and I leave a message on their answering machine, how long should I wait until I call a different friend? How many hours should I wait until I call a different friend without hurting the first friend's feelings? Then when my other friend returns my call and I already have a friend over, what should I do?

GENTLE READER: If you are old enough to issue invitations, Miss Manners believes you are old enough to learn a secret that many adults get into trouble for not knowing:

Invitations do not have to be open-ended to be gracious. Now is the time to learn to put time limits. Your message should be, "I'm hoping you can come over to my house. Call me by three if you can come today, but if you can't, please call me tomorrow and let's pick another day."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be attending the wedding of my boyfriend's best friend in a few weeks. I don't know either the bride or groom well, if at all. We went to dinner once with the couple when we visited their home in the Midwest, and we spent an evening with his friend when he was in town visiting us in the West. I agreed to attend the wedding because I know how much it means to my boyfriend for me to be there. My boyfriend just recently purchased a new home and does not have the money to buy my plane ticket, so I spent almost $300 for a ticket. I'm not sure what etiquette dictates. Should I give them a wedding gift?

GENTLE READER: Considering the enormous favor you are already doing them -- by conferring on them, on this momentous occasion in their lives, the presence of a near-stranger?

Miss Manners is afraid that that does not count, priceless as the experience may be for the bridal couple. Transportation and housing costs are the responsibility of the guests, who may consider the expense a factor in whether or not to attend the wedding, but may not charge it to the account of their hosts, literally or otherwise. Wedding presents are customary from people who presumably care enough about the couple to attend their wedding. Or who care enough about someone who does care enough, etc. This means that you can go in with your beau on a joint present. How you split that cost is up to the two of you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because I am an employee, I ran our hospital's annual 5K race. The hospital's chief operating officer and CEO -- somewhat above me on the leadership ladder -- ran the race. They began the race on the start line due to their roles, and I started yards behind them.

It wasn't a huge race, and many runners were solo after the first mile; with an age advantage it didn't take me long to pass them both. Should I have been collegial and made some pleasant acknowledgment as I was passing each runner such as "Good pace," or is it rude to draw attention to oneself while going past a competitor -- recalling the old line: "You're not supposed to beat your boss at golf"?

GENTLE READER: That is presuming that your boss wants to employ only cheats (reverse cheats, it is true, but cheats all the same) and toadies. Evidently yours do, or they would base the handicaps on ability, rather than rank.

However, Miss Manners does not care for your idea of collegiality. It is one thing to win a competition honestly, but quite another to sail by while complimenting the other entrants on keeping up a losing pace.

:

Watch out! Someone is coming at you with the clear intention of saying hello.

Will your shoulder be thumped or your fist be bumped? Will your hand be slapped? High five? Low five? Will you receive a pat on the cheek or a pinch on the cheek? A grabbing of the forearm or a full leap into both arms?

Will you be hugged or kissed? Kissed on the cheek or the mouth? Which cheek? How many times?

The chances of receiving a curtsey are not big unless you make a living teaching ballet, running debutante balls or reigning. But the bow and namaste are not uncommon, although not necessarily performed by, respectively, Japanese or Hindus.

The handshake is more of a rarity these days, unless performed with four hands, either in a pile-up, patty-cake style, or sandwich style, with one set taking the outside and the other inside. The hands may also be used to grab or snap a finger, curl the fingers together, or execute some combination of such gestures.

You never know, and you may also not know who that person is bearing down on you. Someone you obviously know but whose name you can't remember? Someone you don't know and whose surname you will never be told?

What will be said, or what will you be expected to say? How're you doing? Pleased to meetcha? Wassup?

Miss Manners realizes that etiquette's stodgy old greeting routine is considered too complicated for any sensible person to spend the time mastering. It decrees that gentlemen are introduced to ladies, young people to their elders, and lower-ranking people to high officials. Not only do you have to figure out which is which, but then you have to figure the combinations. Suppose the lady is a young prime minister and the gentleman is an elderly bishop? (Answer: "I presume that two such distinguished people as you already know each other.")

You also have to chose among the correct things to say on being introduced: "Good morning" or "Good evening," which requires checking the position of the sun; or "Hello" or "How do you do?" depending on the formality of the occasion, and whether you can count on the other person to understand that the answer to "How do you do?" is "How do you do?" even though that makes two questions in a row. (Etiquette opposes any declaration of being pleased to meet someone on the cynical grounds that it may not turn out to be a pleasure.)

The simple part is supposed to be the handshake, which Miss Manners would have thought to be quite warm enough as a start for an acquaintanceship or an evening. True, the lady/older/ranking person has to initiate the gesture, but we have to wrestle with identifying which one that is, anyway.

There are exceptions and objections to handshaking -- religious, physical and hygienic -- and exemptions are granted. But the gesture itself has been so well known that a refusal to participate has to be explained ("I'm so sorry, but I can't shake hands"), because a refusal to shake hands is a symbolic insult (and thus a handy gesture when faced with tyrants and outlaws). Unless, of course, you are too busy thumping, bumping and kissing, or positioning yourself to dodge or return whatever may be thrown your way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter had breast enhancement surgery -- nothing outlandish, but a bit larger than most girls her size, and both men and women she barely knows ask, "Are those real?"

If she doesn't say anything, they assume her breasts are fake. Can you think of a comeback that will put them in their place and keep them guessing?

GENTLE READER: You wish to encourage your daughter to banter with strangers about her breasts, so as to keep them speculating? And exactly what made you think that Miss Manners would agree to join in the fun?

: