Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband greets everyone with a smiling, hearty "Good morning," "Good afternoon" or "Good evening." If the recipient does not repeat the same message in return, he says it again, a bit louder and more emphatically.

This usually gets him the reply he wants, but if not he'll say: "You're not sure?"

The person will say: "What?"

He'll say: "Whether or not it's a good morning!"

At this time of the year, he does the same thing with "Merry Christmas."

If the clerk, for example doesn't say it back, he'll get a little closer to them and say it again. If they come back with: "Happy holidays," he'll say: "No, I said Merry Christmas, not Happy holidays."

One clerk said: "We are not permitted to say 'Merry Christmas.'" My husband then demanded to see the STORE manager. The FLOOR manager appeared and my husband lectured him on the fact that this worldwide Christian celebration is what was making his cash register ring. The least he could do was to acknowledge the cause.

I make sure I'm busy at another counter, but, believe it or not, in this example a few people started applauding him, which only gave him more confidence for the next encounter. What can I do to make him stop doing this?

GENTLE READER: You can't lock him in the bathroom, Miss Manners supposes, as much of a benefit as that would be to society.

People who go around inflicting their tricky little tests on innocent people are a public menace, but as the danger they create is that they will be throttled, it is hard to make them understand the harm while others remain under control. Those egging him on to harass honest working people are little better than he.

About all you can do is to busy yourself elsewhere. This is not so much to relieve you from embarrassment -- each adult is responsible only for her own behavior, even if she is married -- but to lessen the likelihood that the person who will throttle your husband will be you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would never dream of sending someone a Christmas card that was dirty or so old that it had turned yellow, or so cheap that it wasn't much thicker than a regular piece of paper, but that's what I got. Last year my mother received a Christmas card that was in worse shape than a card that I had saved from the early 1960s!

My mother thinks I should give them the benefit of the doubt because they might have cataracts. A friend thinks I am terrible because it's supposed to be the thought that counts.

I really don't want to offend these people by not sending them a card next year, but I don't appreciate how little they apparently think of me! They have soured me on the tradition of sending cards altogether. How would you recommend that I handle things?

GENTLE READER: With a modicum of jolly good will toward all. If Miss Manners is not mistaken, this is what Christmas cards -- the ones you send, as well as the ones you receive -- purport to convey.

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(EDITORS Please be advised: The last line of this column contains language that may be offensive to some readers.)

Here are some clues that you might be overdoing the holidays:

-- The neighbors' children are going to school bleary-eyed, because the lights on your house are keeping them awake.

-- There is so much to be done in connection with your office celebrations that it is one of the most hectic work times of the year, although the service your company ordinarily performs has been all but suspended.

-- Your special wardrobe contains so many Christmas sweaters and items of jewelry with trees, bells and wreaths that you have to keep track of which you have worn where.

-- Not remembering who some of the people on your card list are and how they got there does not discourage you from sending them greetings.

-- Strangers show up at your holiday parties and open conversations with you by asking whether you can point out the host.

-- You are sending presents to a generation of relatives whom you have not seen since babyhood, and from whom you have never received acknowledgment.

-- People to whom you bring little surprise treats don't look thrilled and exclaim in pleasure; they look cornered and exclaim, "Oh, I meant to get something for you."

-- After you offer people good wishes, you find yourself having to urge them to get into the spirit of the season.

-- Your children get cranky when there are no more presents for them to open, partly because it doesn't occur to them to go on to the next stage of playing with what they received, but mostly because they are just plain exhausted from the task.

-- You press food on people after they claim to be sated by telling them how much work you put into making it.

-- You quiz people about their ancestry for the purpose of celebrating their particular holidays, even ones they don't celebrate themselves.

-- You end up being annoyed at everyone you were trying to please.

Normally, Miss Manners is an enthusiastic supporter of the cheerful and the festive, with little patience for those who claim that they find merriment depressing. She believes that traditions bind people together and that it is divisive, if not cruel, to scorn family observances. Her admiration for those who plan their holidays for others' pleasure, and not just their own, is boundless.

But she worries about people who, bless their hearts, get so into the holiday spirit that they go around spreading fatigue and obligation and, ultimately, their own disappointment that others fail to keep up with them.

They would do well to remember that there can be too much of a good thing:

-- An hour of generalized fellowship in an office is a delightful break, but the additional workload or assessment to support serious celebrations is a burden that should not be imposed.

-- There is no pleasure in receiving cards or presents from people one can't place, and no point in sending presents into a void from which there is no response.

-- Unexpected treats and presents should be on so modest a scale as not to leave the recipient with a surprise social debt.

-- Giving is blessed, but force-feeding people presents or food beyond what they can handle is not.

-- Assuming that everyone celebrates Christmas may be insensitive, but so is assuming that everyone has a Christmas-equivalent and wants help sharing it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple of years ago, my wife and I attended the wedding of two people who had been friends of ours for years. One year ago, the woman left the man for another man. We heard all about it from the man but heard nothing from the woman as we live in separate towns.

We received a little Christmas package from the woman who, in her note, made no reference to her infidelity -- an act that considerably affected all who were friends of the pair.

I felt instinctively the need to thank her for the gift and card, but I didn't feel as if I should ignore the issue of her leaving her husband. In the end, I wrote a thank-you note and told her what I thought of the situation -- not in excoriating terms but in bluntly honest ones. In your opinion, was this boorish?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Had you wished to register your disapproval you could have written her a dry letter of thanks; had you wished to register extreme disapproval, you could have returned the present. Miss Manners is afraid that "Thanks, slut," is not a proper communication.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am happily married and get along very well with my husband's family, even though our backgrounds are very different. My parents live in a mansion, while his parents live in a converted mobile home.

When I visit my in-laws, I'm happy to sleep on the living room floor with my husband, perhaps even sharing the room with one or two other family members. This Christmas, though, my in-laws will be hosting a family reunion, in which my husband and I are expected to share the living room with more than a dozen people, some of whom even my husband doesn't know.

Should I grit my teeth, or is there a way to ask my beloved in-laws if they would mind if we stayed at a hotel instead? The only acceptable excuse I have been able to think of is telling them we were trying to conceive a child and that was my fertile time, but as much as I dread camping out with strangers, I do not think that is a good reason to start a family.

GENTLE READER: Nor to startle the one you already have.

Miss Manners is flabbergasted that the only excuse you can think of would provide everyone with a vivid, if misleading, picture of how you and your husband plan to spend the night. Did it not occur to you to say, "I'm afraid I've been having trouble sleeping"?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in the airline industry and live in a large condominium. Unfortunately, most of my neighbors know what I do for a living since they see me in my uniform coming and going to work, and everybody, invariably, will ask me questions pertaining to my line of work anytime they see me in the elevator, at the pool, etc.

I understand my work draws curiosity, but answering the same questions over and over to the same people for over five years now is really driving me nuts! They ask me if it's my day off or when am I going on a trip again?

Why would that matter to a stranger anyway? Why would I want to discuss my company business with strangers? Please tell me what would be a good answer to these irritating questions so they won't ask me again?

GENTLE READER: Airport security must be getting to you, if you cannot distinguish between an idle question and an interrogation.

The answer to your question of why your schedule would matter to strangers is that it doesn't. They are just trying to be pleasant, and since they travel less frequently and love to talk about where they go, plan to go and have been, they do not realize you do not.

Miss Manners does not mean to suggest that you therefore need to tell them. All you are required to do, since these are your neighbors with whom you presumably want to be on good terms, is to offer a return pleasantry. Almost anything vague would do if you offer it cheerfully: "Just glad to be home" or "Hither and yon," or "Depends on the scheduling," or "I'll know when I get there."

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